Soloman's Guard

Hi. New to the forum and posting some material to see if it's got legs. One of my sketches below:

King Soloman's court. King Soloman on his throne with an armed guard holding a large curved sword next to him. A number of other guards are dotted around the room. Two peasant farmers approach with a goat.

Soloman: You are in my court of wisdom and justice. What is your grievance?

Farmer 1: He stole my goat!

Farmer 2: I didn't. It's my goat!

Farmer 1: Oh you flipping liar!

Farmer 2: You flipping liar!

Soloman raises a hand with calm authority. The farmers stop bickering.

Soloman: The solution is simple. My guard will chop the goat in two and...

The guard chops the goat in two. Both farmers gasp.

Guard: Sorted.

Soloman is horrified.

Soloman: (TO GUARD) What did you just do?

Guard: Chopped the goat in half, sir. Like you said, sir.

Soloman: Yes, but I didn't mean it!

Guard: Sir?

Soloman: It was a gambit! I threaten to chop the goat in half and then gauge the reactions of the owners. The one that reacts the most is the real owner.

Guard: That's quite wise, that is, sir.

Soloman: Yes. Well, it would be if you hadn't just gone and chopped it in half!

Guard: But you said chop it in half, sir, so I chopped it in half, sir.

Soloman: Yes. But you could have taken your time about it.

Guard: Sorry, sir. I'm one of the elite palace guard, sir, and we don't take our time. You say chop. We get stuck in. So, I chopped. Sorted. Sir.

Soloman: Oh great. Just great. Now we have two halves a dead goat. What's so wise about that, eh?

Guard: You want me to chop it a bit more, sir? Get some decent joints out of it?

Soloman: No. No. Just take it away.

The farmers and the goat are taken away. Two shepherds come in with a sheep.

Soloman: You are in my court of wisdom and justice. What is your grievance?

Shepherd 1: He stole my sheep!

Shepherd 2: It's my sheep. Look, it even resembles me in the right light.

Shepherd 1: Ooh, you...

Soloman: Enough! Right, the solution to this problem is simple. My guard will...

The guard chops the sheep in half.

The shepherds gasp.

The guard stands back in his place. King Soloman turns to the guard and stares at him. The guard, staring straight ahead, flicks a glance at the king.

Soloman: Guard?

Guard: Yes, sir?

Soloman: You chopped the sheep in two.

Guard: Yes, sir.

Soloman: Why did you chop it in two?

Guard: Knew what you were going to say, sir.

Soloman: Oh? Did you? And how did you know?

Guard: Anticipation, sir. Trait of a good warrior, sir. Get stuck in before the enemy does, sir.

Soloman: Right, well that's all very laudable, but in this case, and I refer you to our previous case, I didn't actually want the sheep chopped in two.

Guard: Oh. Was that one your wise gambits again, sir?

Soloman: Yes!

Guard: Oh, well done, sir. Another triumph, sir.

Soloman: Right. Next!

Two women approach. A female servant brings in a baby and lays it at Soloman's feet.

Soloman: You are in the court of wisdom and justice. What is your grievance?

Woman 1: She stole my baby!

Woman 2: It's my baby!

Soloman holds up his hand.

Soloman: This is a simple case. We must...

Soloman pauses and looks worriedly at the guard, who's looking bored and efficient.

Soloman: Um... right. You... woman.

Woman 1: Me?

Soloman: Yes. Hypothetically, and this is purely hypothetically, I'm not saying that we'll actually do it, but in a purely imaginary scenario that's never going to happen ever, but if I were to ask the guard to chop...

The guard shifts slightly with his axe.

Soloman: If I were to ask someone who is definitely not the guard to chop...

Soloman pauses

Soloman: To chop the...

Soloman looks at the guard again.

Soloman: To (whisper) chop the infant (normal) in half...

Soloman stares at the guard again, waiting, then relaxes.

Soloman: How would you feel?

Woman 1: But you wouldn't actually do it?

Soloman: No. Completely hypothetical. Never going to happen.

Woman 1: Well, I'd be very upset, obviously.

Soloman looks smug.

Soloman: Aha. And what about you?

Woman 2: Same, I s'pose.

Soloman: What?

Woman 2: Well, it's bloody horrible thing to do to a baby, innit? Barbaric. And not the sort of thing I'd expect coming from you I might add. I mean, it's one thing chopping sheep in half, but a baby? You'd be right sick to even think that, if you ask me.

Soloman: Um... right. But, on balance, because it's your child, would you say you would be more upset than her?

Woman 2: About chopping a baby in half?

Soloman: Yes.

Woman 2: Yes.

Soloman: Aha!

Woman 1: No she wouldn't. I'd be more upset.

Woman 2: That's a lie!

Soloman rubs his temples.

Soloman: Fine! Fine! Okay, let's just approach this from a different angle. Guard?

Guard: Sir?

Soloman: Give me your sword.

Guard: Sorry, sir?

Soloman: Give me your sword.

Guard: But it's mine, sir.

Soloman: What?

Guard: It's my sword, sir. I'm never supposed to surrender my sword.

Soloman: Yes, but I'm not asking you to surrender it. I just want to borrow it for a moment.

Guard: Can't do that, sir. Been conditioned, I have. If that sword is taken from me, I'm honour bound to kill myself, sir. And given the choice of killing myself and not killing myself, I'm, if you'll pardon the expression, sir, buggered if I'm going to let you have it.

Soloman: But I'm the king!

Guard: Yes, sir. And a very good one at that, sir. But your overall performance as a wise and just king isn't going to matter much to me if I'm bleeding to death on the floor, sir, is it? With all due respect.

Soloman: Right. Has anyone else got a sword I can borrow?

The guards around the room surreptitiously hide their swords.

Soloman: Fine! Fetch me my ceremonial sword!

Guard: Sorry, sir. Not available.

Soloman: Why? Why is my ceremonial sword not available?

Guard: Gone to the cleaners, sir. Dirty rubies.

Soloman: Oh great! So there are no swords available? None?

Guard: I've got an old club, if you want it, sir.

Soloman: A club? I don't want a club! I'm dispensing wisdom here! It takes finesse and a fine control of language. When I announce that I am going to cut the baby in two, there's a certain amount of poetry to the statement! It doesn't sound as good if I announce I'm going to bludgeon the little bastard into a bloody pulp, does it?

Guard: No, sir.

Soloman: Right.

Guard: Would you like me to bludgeon the little bastard into a bloody pulp, sir?

Soloman: No!

Guard: You sure, sir? I do a good bludgeoning. Top of my class in bludgeoning.

Soloman: No! There will be no bludgeoning here today, okay?

Guard: Aw. I never get to do any bludgeoning.

Soloman stares at the guard as if he's mad.

Woman 1: Excuse me?

Soloman: What?

Woman 1: Are you going to be long with the dispensing of wisdom, only I've got a cart to catch.

Woman 2: Me too. And I've got to get the tubers on before my husband comes home.

Soloman: Oh, am I keeping you? Is my divine wisdom reputed throughout the known world holding you back from your drudgery?

Woman 1: Well, you are a bit. And I don't appreciate the drudgery comment, thank you. Being a domestic operative takes a lot of hard work. Not that you'd know that, being all royal and stuff.

Woman 2: Tell you what, in the interests of time, how about if we share the baby?

Soloman: What?

Woman 2: Well, I live in the same hut as her, so we could just share the baby, take it in turns like. Could have a few nights off then. Go out a bit.

Woman 1: Hey, that's wise. I'm up for that.

Soloman: Oh. You are, are you? Wise is it? Well, so be it then. Of you go, share the baby. Why not?

Woman 1: Ta.

The two women take the baby and leave.

Soloman puts his head in his hands.

The guard leans in.

Guard: Very wise, sir. Boring them into submission. Very wise indeed.

Two women and a man appear in the court. No one says anything for a while, then the man coughs. Soloman looks up, not very happy.

Woman 3: Is this the court of wisdom and justice?

Soloman: For what it's worth, yes. Do you want some wisdom and justice?

Woman 3: Ooh, yes please.

Soloman: Fine. What is your grievance?

Woman 3: She stole my husband!

Woman 4: I didn't. He's my husband!

Soloman glares wearily at them then turns to the guard.

Soloman: Guard?

Guard: Yes, sir?

Soloman: Bludgeon them .

The guard looks very chuffed. He lifts up a club.

Guard: Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

Funny idea and some lovely dialogue, but rather long?

Yep. Length. I've got four parts to this. The first two set up the third and the fourth is signing off. Could lose the fourth and pare bits out of the rest.

Good dialogue and great idea but it is very long

Firstly, but not most importantly, the king's name is Solomon (with an 'o' instead of an 'a') but that's a minor point.

The sketch itself shows comedic writing skills and an understanding of how to maximise the potential of comedic situations.

The length isn't a problem: the problem is that its funniness takes a bit of a nose dive at the point where Solomon asks to borrow the guard's sword.

From that point, it becomes farcical. That's not necessarily a bad thing in itself (all children and many adults love farce) but it's a sudden, radical and, I think for for most readers, unwelcome departure from the polished comedy we've enjoyed prior to that point.

For me, you need to end it very quickly after the two women bicker about who'd be saddest at the baby's demise.

As a demonstration of your comedy-writing, however, it's very effective and shows you most certainly have potential.

I absolutely loved it! You can always trim the odd line but don't cut any scenes! A sketch is only too long if it isn't funny and this was hilarious!

Thanks all. Good point, VV, on the break. It does move away from the main idea. I've considered making a run of different Solomon sketches, so this might break out into one of those.

Don't know why I'm hung up on Solomon this week. Would help if my obsession spread to spelling his name right.

Funny idea and nicely executed, but it's way too long. I'd suggest getting to the point a bit quicker. I think some of the conflict between Solomon and his guard could be a bit witter to make this really fly. Still good though.

I basically disagree on the length comments. Found it very funny (sort of a cross between Monty Python circa "Holy Grail" and Terry Pratchett's Night Watch), but I think it became funnier due to the length. People are always trying to chop things up (excuse the pun) as if to make something funny shorter makes it funnier. Doesn't always. Look at the endscene in "Life of Brian" -- would that have been funnier if they all just said "I'm Brian" and left out "I'm Brian and so is my wife?"

Nah, leave it as it is. Thought the two women making up their own justice was quite funny in itself, and liked the "came top of my class in bludgeoning sir" comment. This sketch needs the time to mature, which I think you've done quite well.

I would maybe have finished having the guard bludgeon or slice himself though, but good ending nonetheless. Well done.

I can't add much to the others in terms of it being too long etc. but I kept reading it as it was funny and well structured.

There was a lot to like
& some lovely lines.

Quote: Trollheart @ December 23 2010, 9:45 PM GMT

People are always trying to chop things up (excuse the pun) as if to make something funny shorter makes it funnier.

View original

In comedy-writing, the further you are from the top of your trade the more you tend to over-write.

Show me 100 sketches written by non-top-writers and I'll be amazed if at least 99 of them aren't better for trimming.

I enjoyed it but way too long. Be ruthless with your own material. It'll pay off in the long run.

Oh, you're all so kind. I don't mind running different versions of the sketch, and I'll have lots of fun cutting it about and see what comes out the other end.

Really enjoyed it. Great work.

Bo.