Affair Sketch

Int. Bedroom

Brian enters the bedroom and is shocked at what he sees.

Brian:
Sarah! How could you?!

Sarah is in bed next to a large, round piece of cheese which is wearing a handlebar moustache and tucked into a dressing gown.

Sarah:
It's not how it looks!

Brian:
You said you were lactose intolerant!

Sarah:
I am! I am!

Brian:
Oh yeah?! So how do you explain this?!

Brian storms round to the bedside cabinet and picks up a plate of crackers. Sarah looks down guiltily.

Brian:
It all makes sense now. The sneaking around, the "overtime" at work and the endless purchases of pickle.

Sarah:
Well what did you expect?! You've barely looked at me these last few months! Let alone provided me with an adequate source of calcium.

Brian:
I've been busy with work.

Sarah:
And I was busy developing osteoporosis!

Sarah stretches her arms and then her knuckles which crack loudly.

Brian:
But why him?!

Sarah:
Because he's kind, he respects me and he's got a wonderfully nutty flavour

Brian:
And he's supposed to be my best friend!

Sarah:
I'm so sorry.

Brian gets up close to the cheese.

Brian:
Well, come on, Clive, what have you got to say for yourself?

There is no answer from the cheese.

Brian:
Hmmph! I hope you get mould. And I don't mean the type people pay good money for.

Brian storms out before. Sarah looks sad and mournfully nibbles at the piece of cheese.

ENDS

Brilliant. Especially like the nutty flavour line and the fact that the cheese is called Clive.

Thanks, Scratchy!

Yes, I liked it. Put me in mind of Big Train.

I think it's very good.
But the last line, although funny seems to lose the flow, it seems a bit difficult for a final line, where the drama is great against the sillyness I think a snappier or more subtle last line would have been the icing on the cake.

It's missing something I am not sure what. Maybe... port?

Liked it, especially the osteoporsis line but I thought the punch was a bit of a let down it just didn't seem right to say 'I hope you get mould' to a piece of cheese that's shagging your wife.

Maybe he should beat the crap out the cheese whilst the wife looks on crying, sneaking a cheeky nibble on the cracker?

I have had a couple of glasses though so feel free to ignore.

Thanks for the comments, all.

Delivered correctly, I think the last line would work. I agree that, on paper, it may seem a bit awkward.

HAPPY CHEESEMAS. Nicely rancid. What did one cheese say to the other?
#1: Cheddar's turn for the Christmas party, but he may not do it.
#2: Edam well better.

I revisited this sketch a while back as the ending had been bothering me. What do people think to the new ending?

Int. Bedroom

Brian enters the bedroom and is shocked at what he sees.

Brian:
Sarah! How could you?!

Sarah is in bed next to a large, round piece of cheese which is wearing a handlebar moustache and tucked into a dressing gown.

Sarah:
It's not how it looks!

Brian:
You said you were lactose intolerant!

Sarah:
I am! I am!

Brian:
Oh yeah?! So how do you explain this?!

Brian storms round to the bedside cabinet and picks up a plate of crackers. Sarah looks down guiltily.

Brian:
It all makes sense now. The sneaking around, the "overtime" at work and the endless purchases of pickle.

Sarah:
Well what did you expect?! You've barely looked at me these last few months! Let alone provided me with an adequate source of calcium.

Brian:
I've been busy with work.

Sarah:
And I was busy developing osteoporosis!

Sarah stretches her arms and then her knuckles which crack loudly.

Brian:
But why him?!

Sarah:
Because he's kind, he respects me and he's got a wonderfully nutty flavour

Brian:
And he's supposed to be my best friend!

Sarah:
I'm so sorry.

Brian gets up close to the cheese.

Brian:
Well, come on, Clive, what have you got to say for yourself?

There is no answer from the cheese.

Brian:
Just what I thought! Well, I guess I better leave you to it. I'll be back for some things later. AND the children!

Sarah:
Ah... Now.. About the children..

Brian:
Where are they anyway? (LOOKS ROUND) GIRLS? WHERE ARE YOU? WENSLEYDALE? EDAM?

Sarah:
I think you better sit down.

ENDS

ok. I liked it overall, but doesn't the sketch blow it's load straight away revealing the cheese wheel? that said interesting enough and parts of it are amusing.

Perhaps Bryan could reveal he's been having an affair in the biscuit factory he works in...

He definitely sounds f**king crackers...!

TBH I preferred the first version. Hard to judge as I read them both in quick succession so naturally I laughed more at the one I read first, but I did really like the mould punchline; "And I don't mean the type people pay good money for".

Well, this is quite brilliant, but neither ending works for me.

It needs to end after 'There is no answer from the cheese.' line.

Thanks for the interesting array of responses. I'm still not decided on the ending, so will probably keep this one in the 'come back to' pile.