Is this good enough to animate?

This is my script for the mini scene I plan to animate. Obviously animation is no quick process, so, do you think it is worth animating........is it interesting enough.

Here it is:

(This scene is a extract from Memoirs of a bar steward)

Scenery shot:
The Royal Ship (P missing, so it looks like Royal Shit)

Scene starts with a very close close up of main character preening himself

First we see him run a comb through his hair

He straightens his tie

He puts on his glasses

And last he puts on his name tag: Jacob Cox

As he is doing this we hear this voice over

V.O: Far from being the busiest pub in town as Dad promised, we've actually only got two customers, Bert and Antony.......however they are great guys, the best of friends since childhood (Cut to montage showing old photographs of the pair growing up together, saving each other in WW2 etc)
so their a great starting point for me to build my might business empire on. Well it's time to introduce King Cox to my wonderful subjects

As the loving montage ends we cut to Jacob entering the bar, only to see these two lovely old men violently beating each other with terrible headbuts, attack with pool cue and glass. We see eyes gorged, ears sliced, the lots, and whjile they are doing this they are insulting each other.

"I saw't first!"

"F**k ya, yer ol'Jerry cock cuddler"

"Givvy'ere. I saw't it on da bar first. Ye gurt big robbin bastard!"

"Well I ad it first, so tuff shit Bertie"

"Ye ol'c**t, I'm gunna tear ye a nuw shit bag!"

Ant barked back and he launched himself up onto Bertie and sunk his false gnashers right into his droopy old balls. I swear I heard a pop sound. As Bertie doubled over and collapsed onto the floor, Antony continued his fearsome comeback. He lifted his heavy glass handled beer mug off of the bar and struck it down with all his force onto Berties crown. Hundreds of shards of glass splintered and embedded themselves gruesomely into his skull. Just as Antony was about to strike a second devastating blow, Bertie came roaring back to life and sprung at his adversary, knocking him onto his back. Bertie quickly grabbed hold of Antony's arm and placed it over the top of two over turned stools and stamped his foot down upon it with all of his power, snapping it, with a loud horrible crack, like a twig. As Ant rolled around the floor, cradling his floppy wrinkly limb, Bert crouched down and picked up what Antony had finally dropped. A scratch card.

"Tis mine, oh precious, tis mine" Bertie cried happily, as he jigged about, covered in blood, holding the card aloft in his hand.

Then, unbeknown to Bert, Ant silently rose up behind him and launched over his shoulder, grabbing hold of Berts hand, which was proudly and victoriously clutching the scratch card, and with one almighty snap of his awesome choppers, he chomped down on Berts fingers, separating them from the knuckles.

"Geezus, grab him! He's covering the wall in blood"

V.O: I shouted to Curly but his attempt to bring about order was futile as he was soon lounging about on the floor in an idiotic daze, cupping his badly attached balls. What a fookin loser, getting beaten up by two geriatrics, typical Curly. I soon found my no good brothers in the corner of the room, far from helping they were pissing himself laughing! Do I have to do everything? Did the generals go over the top? No, but this f**ker has to. So I ran and got the bouncers. Had the three not been half pissed, they might have noticed the trouble themselves. I was hoping the hefty trio would be able to bring some calm to the storm but instead they darted into the bar like Spanish bulls and between them they lifted the warring pair into the air. The two old bastards were still going so the bouncers showed them the door, head first. I watched as the two airborne war veterans landed hard on the tarmac floor outside. I worried for a second they might have been hurt but the pair soon got up and disappeared off down the street, still kicking the living shit outta each other.

"What the hell just happened?" I asked the three Stooges (Clint, Miller and a wounded Curly)

Clint Explains, which prompts a flash back to how it happened

V.O: Clint had foolishly decided to play a trick on Miller. He had a bunch of fake scratch cards. They looked completely authentic. They appeared no different to the official cards that you could buy from a shop. The only difference however was that when you scratched them off they revealed that you had won £250,000.00. You only found out that they were fake when you looked at the small print on the back that told you how to claim your prize. 'Place this card under the Christmas tree in December, and when Santa arrives, suck him off to receive your reward'. It's turns out that Miller the feckin knob'ed had placed one of the joke tickets on the bar, and sat himself in the corner to watch what would happened when one of the old bastards picked up the ticket. What a prick. Was he sorry? Of course not, though I didn't get time to point out why he was such an utter twat because I wanted them to go and fetch the old boys back and apologise

"F**k off am I doing that Says Miller

"I'm in charge here, do as I say Says Jacob

"F**k a duck

"Right, I'll get Dad

"Ha laughs Miller

"I'll...(DRAMATIC PAUSE)........get Mom

Shock horror on Millers face

Cut to a scene of someone being tortured, head in a vice, gangster style. There is a big shadow but it is quickly revealed to be a little old lady

Cut back to pub

"Right I'll get them says Miller and he and Clint runs out of the pub. Curly has passed out.

Fades out

Cut back to pub and Clint and Miller enter.

Well, where are they asks Jacob

"They're dead, there's police everywhere, looks like they fell over the cliff edge fighting

"Oh my God no!............what have you done...............they were out only two customers you dick heads

End

Obviously being animated I can make the fight scene really O.T.T and gruesome, the same with the Mom intro scene. Unlike Family Guy this wouldn't be a separate story per episode, but a story told over a series, though each character would have their episode subplots

My Christmas offering is thus: If you can't see it working well as an animated piece
I think it might be unlikely that someone else will. But I'm an inunanimated
poster of pointless comments. One other thing: Would some old geezer be likely
to be called Ant? Tony, perhaps. Ant I don't think not. HAPPY CHRISTMAS.

Maybe Anthony?

Animation wise I'm happy with this, I particularly like the way I can animate the big fight, so yes I'm happy with this BUT it is always nice to get other peoples unbiased view

I found it mildly entertaining, but not particularly funny.

Reads like a Ronnie Corbett monologue - minus the jokes.

It is based on my book Memoirs of a bar steward, and it isn't sketch humour, not punchline stuff, its more of a black comedy. However, saying that, I am hoping to do some funny stuff with the visuals.

This animation will hopefully highlight that the main character is in charge of a nightmare pub and has a nightmare family 'helping' him run it

What I would like it to be is a show about interesting characters, who are all connected by a interesting story, with black humour being involved where possible but not wedged in. I've chosen memoirs as over 10,000 people have downloaded it so far and I've received messages from all over the world, so its got a positive response. However Memoirs the book is only half written, its finished in note form, and I think it could work well as a adult animation

Im working on a storyboard already, whats above is a quick adaption from the original source material, which I did just to show my design partner. The idea is that we'll record the vocals and then put them with the storyboards stills and see how it runs for time. We'll get it into shape before we commit to the long slog of animating it. I put this on here just to see if the general idea was good enough

There's a fair chunk that will probably get cut out, like the voice over when the bouncers chunk them out. In the original text that needed explaining, obviously in a visual animation I don't need him saying all that, you'll just see the action. A lot of the vocals will be trimmed down

I'm not sure anything stands out as being paticulary "animated" I can see the first bit with him introducing the old fellas working quite well as a straight filmed piece.

What purpose will this short serve? Is it to introduce people to the series? or simply flex and test out some techniques?

Also I think it needs to be written as a script.

Well the fight scene is going to be very dramatic, in only a way you can do with cartoons. These two ol'bastards are going to be brutal to each other, limbs will be lost, I'm going to make it more OTT than it is written above. And also there is the gangster intro for the mother, where she pops the mans eye (Casino rip) The other characters play it straight.

At the very least I'll use this as a advert for the book. If it turns out as hoped, then maybe consider pitching it

l found this rather dull and it's difficult to read in the current format. Isn't the book a free download?

So, all in all, your very pleased with it and think it'll make a great animation and anyway some of the words are going to change, so we shouldn't get too hung up on them.

Looks like your good to go.

You see,that's what I'm worrying about. This 'scene' is taken from a chapter half way through the book. The book works as a diary, and the humour comes from the M.C opinions. I don't know however if this will work well as a visual piece of work?..............

Quote: Scott Evans @ December 17 2010, 2:48 PM GMT

I've chosen memoirs as over 10,000 people have downloaded it so far and I've received messages from all over the world, so its got a positive response.

View original

How many people have given it a positive response, Scott? Roughly.

Quote: don rushmore @ December 17 2010, 6:59 PM GMT

How many people have given it a positive response, Scott? Roughly.

View original

I get a few emails a month, not had a bad review yet, which is why I thought it could be worth doing something with.

Quote: Griff @ December 17 2010, 6:23 PM GMT

Well ADAPT IT INTO A SCREENPLAY and then we'll tell you. Unless you're asking us to judge whether the adaptation that you haven't written yet is going to be suitable for filming once you've done it?

View original

I was just wondering what people thought of the general scene, was it something you enjoyed reading or did it bore you?

For our animation project we had three ideas. The first being a paraody of the cartoons we use to watch in the 80's (a play on the likes of Thundercats, Visionaries, etc).

The second idea was to do something like a cartoon sketch show. Have three of four main cartoon characters who appear in each sketch (like how the same actors played all the different characters in something like Monty Python)

The above was our third idea, not a humour based as the first two ideas, or at least not as in your face comedy, this would be something that relies more on the storyline, the story of a git called Jacob Cox who is trying to make a success out of the family business, but the business in located in a hellhole, his family is a nightmare, the doormen want to kill him, the landlord in a rival pub is missing, who Jacob worries his ex-gangland mother has something to do with, and it turns out that his useless father got the money from some very bad people who need it back quick, so the family has a month to find a way of making the pub a success or they are all out on their ear and will have to return to the Midlands, which none of them want to do for their own grave reasons

The above I'll admit is a rather crude convert from the original text to how it could play as a animation. This isn't a proper screenplay obviously, it was produced fast for my design partner to look at, to give him a general idea how it could play out. I'm story boarding how it could act out but we're still trying to decide if the specific scene material chosen is strong enough and warrants a production

Would anyone be interested in a group animation, not anything to do with what being mentioned here? I've put a thread up about this idea here https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/19576/

Your figure of a couple of good reviews each month isn't very positive, is it? The book hasn't been out for that long, has it? Out of 10,000 downloads, that's a poor return.