This was dropped from our Christmas sketch show last night as it didn't fit the eventual format of the show. Again, this one hasn't had the benefit of a rewrite and here it is exactly as first written. It's a runner.
Part One
SARAH: Those of you who have been to the show before will know that we've been doing our own advent calendar. Today is the 15th so whoever has ticket number 15, turn your ticket over and you will find a picture of some shepherds following a star and a tiny chocolate Sellotaped to the back.
SOPHIE SHUFFLES ON TO THE STAGE, LOOKING APOLOGETIC, TRYING TO GET SARAH'S ATTENTION.
SARAH: We'll do another of those tomorrow...(NOTICES SOPHIE) Yes Sophie?
SOPHIE: Hi Sarah...sorry...it's really cold backstage. Do you mind if we turn the thermostat up a bit?
SARAH: No, that's fine. It's on the wall by the door.
SOPHIE: Thanks, Sarah...sorry Sarah. (SHUFFLES OFF)
SARAH: Sorry about that. Where was I?
SARAH IS INTERRUPTED BY NICK COMING ON STAGE WEARING A CYCLE HELMET AND BANGING A COUPLE OF BICYCLE D-LOCKS TOGETHER.
SARAH: Why are you doing that?
NICK: These should really be chains but cyclists don't use chains these days, they're not secure enough. We use these instead.
SARAH: But why have them on stage at all?
NICK: It's supposed to be spooky and ominous. I'm trying to warn you to change your selfish ways.
SARAH: What selfish ways?
NICK: Like how you treated poor Sophie Cratchit just then, refusing to allow her to put more wood on the fire.
SARAH: But I said she could turn the heating up a bit.
NICK: Oh...err...right. Well we've already planned all this out now so we're kind of stuck with it if we don't want to run out of material before the end of the show. You will be visited by three ghosts. Just go with it.
NICK TURNS TO LEAVE THEN PAUSES AS IF HE JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. HE TURNS BACK TO MICROPHONE, WAVES HIS D-LOCKS IN THE AIR AND MAKES GHOSTLY "WOOO-OOO-OOO" NOISE INTO THE MIC. THEN HE LEAVES THE STAGE.
SARAH CONTINUES WITH THE SHOW.
Part Two
SARAH: As we all know, Christmas can be a time of hope - hope that we'll get snow instead of grey slush here in London, hope that this year the Doctor Who special will be good, hope that the time we spend with our families will be over quickly. But it can also be...
DAVE COMES ONTO STAGE COVERED BY A SHEET.
SARAH: Um...hi Dave. What are you supposed to be?
DAVE: I'm the ghost of Christmas past. (BEAT) Erm, wooo-ooo! I've come to remind you of Christmases from your childhood to illustrate why you hate Christmas so much.
SARAH: But I love Christmas!
DAVE: But what about the Christmas of 1992?
SARAH: Oh! That was great! I got a Sylvanian Family House set. Best Christmas ever!
DAVE: Yes, exactly...that's...erm...well I think I've made my point young lady. Erm... (RUNS OFF STAGE).
SARAH CONTINUES WITH THE SHOW.
Part Three
SARAH: So, only eight shopping days left before Christmas. Hands up who has bought all their Christmas presents already? (PAUSE) Me neither. My plan this year is to...
DAVE COMES ONTO STAGE COVERED BY A SHEET AND WEARING A SANTA HAT.
DAVE: (INTERRUPTING) Wooo-ooo! Speaking of Christmas presents...I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Do you see what I did there?
SARAH: Yes, very clever. And what do you do?
DAVE: I'm here to show you how other people are enjoying their Christmas without you. (POINTS TO PAUL STANDING AT SIDE OF STAGE ON A MOBILE PHONE).
PAUL: So that's a table for nine at 8 O'clock on Saturday. Thanks. Bye.
DAVE: If you weren't so wicked, you too could enjoy a Christmas meal out with friends!
SARAH: I'm going with them. It was my idea.
DAVE: Erm....Wooo-ooo! But look at this. (POINTS TO SIDE OF STAGE AGAIN, WHERE SOPHIE IS CHATTING TO SOMEONE ELSE)
SOPHIE: (SNIFF) I think I might be getting a bit of a cold. I always seem to get one at Christmas.
DAVE: If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, Tiny Sophie will die.
SARAH: Die?!
DAVE: Well...not die as such. She'll have a bit of a sore throat and a runny nose and an irritating cough that will last until new year's.
SARAH: How is that my fault?
DAVE: Erm...woooo-ooo again. (CHECKS WATCH) erm...it's midnight, I have to go.
SARAH: It's nowhere near midnight.
DAVE: My watch must be fast again. Bye! (RUNS OFF STAGE)
SARAH CONTINUES WITH THE SHOW.
Part Four
SARAH: Well we're getting towards the end of our show so don't worry, you'll be out of here in time to go to the pub. All Hallow's Church have asked me to make a couple of quick announcements on their behalf...
DAVE COMES ON STAGE IN HIS SHEET. SARAH STOPS TALKING TO LOOK AT HIM. DAVE JUST STANDS THERE.
SARAH: Hi Dave. (PAUSE) Dave? (PAUSE. SOMETHING CLICKS IN SARAH'S HEAD) Ah. You're the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come aren't you?
DAVE NODS UNDER HIS SHEET.
SARAH: And if I remember the story correctly, the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come doesn't say anything.
DAVE NODS UNDER HIS SHEET.
SARAH: Which works OK in the book but isn't really appropriate for a live show like this. I don't think whoever wrote this bit thought it through properly.
DAVE SHRUGS UNDER HIS SHEET.
SARAH: Shall we just assume that I've learnt whatever lesson you're supposed to be teaching me and get on with the show?
DAVE NODS UNDER HIS SHEET.
SARAH: According to the original story, I'm supposed to ask a passing ragamuffin what day it is and send him off to buy me a turkey. But I've already ordered my turkey from Ocado. It's being delivered tomorrow. (BEAT) And I've just realised that we've done an entire Scrooge parody without me even saying, "Bah, humbug!" Sorry about that. I'll go have a word with the writer. (SHE LEAVES THE STAGE)
DAVE IS LEFT STANDING ON STAGE ON HIS OWN, STILL UNDER HIS SHEET. HE SHRUGS AND GOES TO THE MICROPHONE.
DAVE: I went to the pub before the show. But the barman said they don't serve spirits.
DAVE SHUFFLES OFF STAGE TRYING TO LOOK EMBARASSED UNDER HIS SHEET.
