A woman lounging on the couch, on the phone to NHS DIRECT .
Operator
Hello NHS direct. How can I help you.
Woman
I need to speak to a Doctor or nurse please. It is quite important
Operator
What is the problem.
Woman
Well my husband’s head seems to have fell off.
Pan to woman holding her husbands head in her arms.
Operator
Well we are very busy at the moment it may take up to 80 minutes to get a call back. I will Mark you as a 2. The marking system goes from 1 if the person is dying up to 10 for a grazed knee.
Woman
But his head has fallen off.
Operator
Well he is dead DUH! That means no rush to help him.
Woman
He is perfectly alive I can assure you.
Operator
What without an attached head.
Woman
Would you like to speak to him, hold on
Woman puts the phone to the mans head.
Man
Hello my head seems to have fallen away from my body. I think I need to speak to someone as soon as possible.
Woman lifts the phone back to her ear.
Woman
Are we still marked at a 2.
Operator
No you are now a 4. The head spoke so that means his breathing is fine. You will receive a call within 120 minutes. Bye now.
2 hours later the phone rings
Woman
Hello
Nurse
Hello there, This is a nurse. I am returning your call to NHS Direct. How is your husbands head.
Woman
Well it is still away from his body.
Nurse
Ok right, is your husband able to talk
Woman
Hold on he is sleeping I will just wake him up.
Woman picks up her husbands head from under her arm and starts shaking it violently. His eyes open, roll about for a while then he awakens.
Woman
Right he is awake now, I will just put him on
Woman puts her husbands head on top of hers
Woman
Right I am wearing him now. He is on.
Nurse
I really would like to speak to your husband please.
Woman
*Tsk*. Puts him on her lap and places the phone to his ear.
Man
(sleepy voice) Hello
Nurse
I understand from your wife that your head has fallen off.
Man
(Yawns) Yes, I am afraid so. Clean off.
Nurse
Are you suffering from any dizzy spells
Man
Nah
Nurse
What is your body doing
Pans to his body, which is lying in a crumpled heap on the floor
Man
Erm! Not a lot really
Nurse
Is your head swollen at all
Man
No I don’t think so.
Nurse
Are you in any pain
Man
Surprisingly No actually
Nurse
Are you on any medication
Man
Umm yes I am. I am taking gongameenaluna.
Nurse
Ahhh! Gongameenaluna.
Man
Yes gongameenaluna. Does that explain anything
Nurse
No not at all I am afraid. I have no idea why gongameenaluna tablets would cause your head to fall off.
Man
Oh!
Nurse
So you are not dizzy, or swollen or in any pain. Your breathing is fine beacause you are speaking.
Man
That’s correct.
Nurse
So apart from the fact that your head has fell away from your body you are in perfect health.
Man
Perfecto
Nurse
Right. All I can say is should any of the symptoms you dont appear to have become apparent, please call NHS Direct again. You are now marked at a 10. A call back will take around 3 days ok. Now if you dont mind I am hanging up. There could be some person who is realy sick trying to get through. (mutters time wasting decapitated freak)under her breath.
