Mr. Brown

Just wrote this a moment ago. What do you think?

LEROY sits disconsolately in the kitchen. His wife DELILHA cleans dishes at the sink.

DELILHA
What's the matter Leroy?

LEROY
I really don't know how I got such a bad reputation around here, Delilha.

DELILHA
Well, what have they been saying.

LEROY
They've been saying I'm bad.

DELILHA
How bad?

LEROY
Bad bad. Badder than old King Kong. I know I can be a little aggressive in traffic sometimes, like when you were in labour and I went all the way up to the speed limit. But are these people gonna hold that against me forever? King Kong? He destroyed property, he was responsible for countless deaths. Am I that bad? And meaner than a junkyard dog? Yes, I do sometimes only tip 18%, but that's only if I'm light on change.

LEROY becomes visibly upset and tearful.

LEROY
That's how they see me. A junkyard dog. A rabid, aggressive animal. They see no difference between a junkyard dog tearing an old woman limb from limb and me mistreating that poor waiter just because I didn't want to break a hundred.
And do you know who's the worst? That girl Caroline, I hear her screaming these slurs about me all the time. I don't know where people got the idea she's so sweet.

DELILHA
Have you told her teacher?

LEROY
Miss Lizzy? I doubt she can do anything, can barely stay on her feet. Why are they like this? Why, oh why Delilha!?

Leroy drops his head to his folded arms and bursts into tears. DELILHA up behind him and pats him on the back consolingly but he continues to cry and howls even louder. DELILHA awkwardly moves away from him.

DELILHA
Why don't I just put on the radio.

DELILHA puts on the radio and leaves. Music starts and LEROY sits up listening. The song playing is Mr. Brown by Bob Marley. As the lyrics kick in LEROY just looks confused.

RADIO (BOB MARLEY)
Mr Brown is a clown who rides to town in a coffin.

You asked for comments and, until now, have not been rewarded.
Unfartunately my contribution will be equally bereft of reward.
I didn't get it. It was beyond my ken. I was confused by the
tipping; restaurant; waiter; break a hundred; which all conveyed
the idea that Leroy is adult-ish. Subsequently, the reference to
"telling the teacher" then made me think that Leroy was a school
kid. In words of one or more sylables I have nothing more to add
to the little that I have so far wroted.
WELL WRITTEN, THO. HAPPY CHRISTMAS

It's a funny idea and I got it straight away.

Hooray for me!

If it were mine, I'd end it after Leroy's first substantial speech (i.e. with 'only if I'm light on change').

It'd work well as one of a series of similar sketches using different characters.

Got to love Jim Croce. It did make me smile although maybe a tad long for a reference that a lot of people may not get.

It was ok. It went on too long though. I was confused whether he was a school kid, or teacher. The end wasn't great. I also knew the Why oh why Delilah line was coming too.

Thanks for the comments, particularly Stephen Birch who kindly kicked off the discussion. A gentleman as always.

Some good points made. The confusion over adult/schoolboy I thought might occur. The teacher thing was obviously just to add the 'Miss Lizzy' thing. I could have made it 'Have you told her mother?' which may not have brought the same level of confusion but I though saying 'Have you told her teacher?' wasn't a completely ridiculous thing for an adult to say and if it was ever recorded there would be no doubt that he was an adult.

However, obviously this will never be recorded as even if it was funny enough as you point out it is too esoteric. But sure isn't it a bit of fun anyway!

In terms of it being too long, maybe you're right, I'd probably disagree though. Would it be better if he gives his spiel about people thinking he's bad then 'Sweet Caroline' comes on the radio and he says something along the lines of "Oh why do people think she's so great?" or maybe even something funny (that'd be a nice change of pace for one my sketches)??

Here's how I suggest you look at it:

Ask yourself if this would be a funny sketch if none of the songs alluded to had ever been written.

I think the answer is 'no'.

So, once the viewer cottons on to the song references and emits a laugh of recognition, it's (arguably) not very funny any more.

So why not get out early, while you're winning, at or just past the top of your laughter curve?

Earlier, my suggestion that it would work well as one of a series of similarly-based sketches using different characters had two purposes:

1) People who get the first one will be delighted with the subsequent sketches and will be competing with each other to 'name that tune' - in an ideal world, of course.

2) People who don't get the first one will (hopefully) get a subsequent one and join the people in group 1.

However, if you bore their arses off with an overly-long sketch, they might well click over to another channel.

I suspect you're right but I think I'm just really stubborn about changing stuff I write. (Maybe critique isn't the best place for me). The thing is the more I think about it the more I like the end because the joke is based on something alot of people will know while alot won't. The bit at the end takes the obscure reference to an extreme as I doubt too many people know the song Mr. Brown. Leroy's confusion kind of matches that of the viewers'. Even he doesn't know what joke is being made. That and its just kind of unexpected.

Maybe some of the other stuff could go, e.g. the obvious 'why, oh why delilha' bit.

Anyway, even if I disagree I appreciate the comments and suggestions. Some good food for thought. I might leave this aside and see how I feel about it in a few weeks.

That's all good Don. I guess it is what you want to do with it. Showcase is the way to go without critique possibly just reviews.

The bottom line, I think, is that it's a good intelligent idea for a sketch or a series of sketches. If done right, it'll appeal to a great many viewers and - as is often the case - there's more than one way of doing it right.

I often look at critiques and comments (both positive and negative) offered in Critique and in Showcase and think 'You can NOT be serious' but this sketch is a relatively decent offering with considerable potential and I think it's been critiqued fairly.