Will The Real Leevil Please "Stand Up"?

My go at Stand Up:

I woke up to the smell of a full English breakfast. Which was great. Although I had crashed into a Little Chef.

And when I say Little Chef, I don't mean a small person cooking me breakfast. I do mean the roadside restaurant. And if Little Chef were to ever employ a little chef, then they have my full support. But if Burger King ever got the same idea...

So I was in the back of the ambulance. The paramedic asked me, "are you a friend or relative?" I said, "I've never met you before." She said, "No, are you a friend or relative of the patient?" I said, "Nah, I'm just nosy."

So this Police man started asking me loads of questions. He asked, Were you drinking? I said, I've never touched a drop in my life. He asked, Were you taking any drugs? I told him, I don't use drugs. His final question, What exactly were you doing? I said, "Reading."

"Explains the book then." He said as he held up a copy of 'War & Peace'. I said, "I didn't get it." He then delineated the novel to me, explaining that it was about Napoleon's invasion of Russia through the eyes of five Russian aristocratic families in a Tsarist society. I said to him, Maybe Napoleon could've got a job a Little Chef. He said, There's more chance of their being a Burger King.

I smiled.

This bit. I liked this bit.

"are you a friend or relative?" I said, "I've never met you before."

Quote: Nat Wicks @ December 8 2010, 3:47 PM GMT

This bit. I liked this bit.

"are you a friend or relative?" I said, "I've never met you before."

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It was originally going to be. "Let me take you for a drink and see where it leads to" but that sounds like the worst and weirdest chatup line ever.

Hi!

Quote: Nat Wicks @ December 8 2010, 3:47 PM GMT

This bit. I liked this bit.

"are you a friend or relative?" I said, "I've never met you before."

View original

Agree with Wicksy here Leevil - loved this line

But the rest is shit, yah?

It doesn't join in the middle.

After "I crashed" it's logigal to assume that "I" am the patient, not a nosy bystander.

Re-write so that the employed "Little Chef" is the patient ??

Good work Leevil, I did laugh at a couple of points and think it's worth pursuing, when are you going to do your first gig?

I've put some notes below if you're interested.

My go at Stand Up:

I woke up to the smell of a full English breakfast. Which was great. Although I had crashed into a Little Chef.

LOVED THIS LINE

And when I say Little Chef, I don't mean a small person cooking me breakfast. I do mean the roadside restaurant. And if Little Chef were to ever employ a little chef, then they have my full support. But if Caffe Nero ever got the same idea...

I CHANGED BURGER KING TO CAFFE NERO - SEEMED A WEIRDER CONCEPT BECAUSE BURGER KIG DOES USE A KING IN THEIR ADVERTS.

So this Police man started asking me loads of questions. He asked, Were you drinking? I said, I've never touched a drop in my life. He asked, Were you taking any drugs? I told him, I don't use drugs. His final question, What exactly were you doing? I said, "Driving into a Little Chef. Can't you tell? Thought you were supposed to be a police man"

I THOUGHT READING DIDN'T QUITE WORK, ESPECIALLY AS YOU WOKE UP TO THE SMELL OF AN ENGLISH BREAKFAST

"Do you know where the hospital is?" said the Police man. I said I did and he said, "Good, come with me." I asked why and he said, "I left my coat there and forgotten where it is."

THIS ISN'T A GOOD ADDITION FROM ME BUT FELT THAT IT NEEDED TO CHANGE FROM THE WAR AND PEACE BIT DUE TO READING NOT BEING THE REASON YOU CRASHED.

I actually went to the hospital to visit someone else the other week. The nurse asked me, "are you a friend or relative?" I said, "I've never met you before." She said, "No, are you a friend or relative of the patient?" I said, "Nah, I'm just nosy."

THOUGHT THIS BIT WAS EXCELLENT AND WOULD WORK BETTER NEAR THE END. HOWEVER NOW THERE IS NO CALLBACK TO A LITTLE CHEF BUT A NEW ONE COULD BE WORKED IN EASILY ENOUGH.

Feel free to ignore all of this of course

Quote: billwill @ December 11 2010, 2:02 AM GMT

It doesn't join in the middle.

After "I crashed" it's logigal to assume that "I" am the patient, not a nosy bystander.

Re-write so that the employed "Little Chef" is the patient ??

View original

Was trying to imply that *I* injured somebody else. Although, you're right. The term nosy probably doesn't work in this case.

Thanks Chopz! I'm going to reply to you with notes also, to make this even more confusing.

Quote: Chopz @ December 11 2010, 11:28 AM GMT

Good work Leevil, I did laugh at a couple of points and think it's worth pursuing, when are you going to do your first gig?

Thank you. I just wrote this as part of the current 'stand up' challenge thing going on. No first gig yet.

I've put some notes below if you're interested.

I am!

My go at Stand Up:

I woke up to the smell of a full English breakfast. Which was great. Although I had crashed into a Little Chef.

LOVED THIS LINE

Thanks!

And when I say Little Chef, I don't mean a small person cooking me breakfast. I do mean the roadside restaurant. And if Little Chef were to ever employ a little chef, then they have my full support. But if Caffe Nero ever got the same idea...

I CHANGED BURGER KING TO CAFFE NERO - SEEMED A WEIRDER CONCEPT BECAUSE BURGER KIG DOES USE A KING IN THEIR ADVERTS.

I was imagining a king made of out burger, obviously I need to express this better. But also you're right, they already use a King Character anyway. The Nero alt. is good.

So this Police man started asking me loads of questions. He asked, Were you drinking? I said, I've never touched a drop in my life. He asked, Were you taking any drugs? I told him, I don't use drugs. His final question, What exactly were you doing? I said, "Driving into a Little Chef. Can't you tell? Thought you were supposed to be a police man"

I THOUGHT READING DIDN'T QUITE WORK, ESPECIALLY AS YOU WOKE UP TO THE SMELL OF AN ENGLISH BREAKFAST

Again, I need to express my point better. *I* feel asleep reading the book.

"Do you know where the hospital is?" said the Police man. I said I did and he said, "Good, come with me." I asked why and he said, "I left my coat there and forgotten where it is."

THIS ISN'T A GOOD ADDITION FROM ME BUT FELT THAT IT NEEDED TO CHANGE FROM THE WAR AND PEACE BIT DUE TO READING NOT BEING THE REASON YOU CRASHED.

I actually went to the hospital to visit someone else the other week. The nurse asked me, "are you a friend or relative?" I said, "I've never met you before." She said, "No, are you a friend or relative of the patient?" I said, "Nah, I'm just nosy."

THOUGHT THIS BIT WAS EXCELLENT AND WOULD WORK BETTER NEAR THE END. HOWEVER NOW THERE IS NO CALLBACK TO A LITTLE CHEF BUT A NEW ONE COULD BE WORKED IN EASILY ENOUGH.

I imagined my original line in the ambulance to be more about me 'getting in the way' and acting like a bit of a tit in an accident I had caused. Obviously I need to expand on this idea.

Feel free to ignore all of this of course

OK...

Ahhh!

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Thanks again n everybody else too.