Sitcom Scene

Hey guys,

Have been working on this sitcom idea for a while, but having some problems with characters. Could you give some feedback as to whether they work, who you think they are, any ways to improve them etc. Sorry if it's a bit much. I'm interested really in whether they are believable/likeable/dislikeable, more than the funniness so much at this stage.

Just to set the scene, it's a sitcom set in a care home. The two characters in it are carers. The scenes with patients seem to work ok. Ta

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Scene 5. Doris Parker's Room 2

SOUND OF "CHAT SHOW" IN BACKGROUND. HAYLEY IS LAUGHING.

VIC: And things piss you off a lot. Like that spotty jobsworth in whites for instance.

HAYLEY: He ain't so bad.

VIC: Changed your tune. Who employed him anyway, the Warner Brothers? And the smell of piss after one of his...(pies for lunch.)

HAYLEY: (INTERRUPTING) Yeah. I've never done asparagus, but if that's what it smells like....ooh they're getting the ex. on!

VIC: And putting a smile on your smiley, whilely caring face to please today's Mr. and Mrs. Tightarse, who are making a convenient, little deposit at the granny bank. That's another one.

LAUGHING STOPS. THE TV CHAT SHOW AUDIENCE BOO.

Somebody they can forget about, for £900 a month...(People deserve better.)

HAYLEY: (INTERRUPTING) Check out the face shrapnel on her!

VIC: Nothing to be done. Not when you scrub toilets for 5p and a Murray Mint an hour.

HAYLEY: Slapper! What were you saying?

VIC: Nothing.

HAYLEY: I get what you mean. It's the way things work out, innit?

PAUSE.

This is a nice cardigan, I like that cardigan.

VIC: Don't see you as cardigan type o' girl. Cardigans this can tell you a lot about people... a lot about...(TRYING TO READ NAME) Doris Palmer?

HAYLEY: Wasn't there a Doris Palmer before?

VIC: Don't recall. Do you know who's in today?

HAYLEY Midge, Cheryl...Elmer Fudd.

VIC: (LAUGHING) Bumptious little sod.

HAYLEY: Bumped what? Dunno what you're sayin'. Oh here's that sixty.

SOUND OF MONEY JINGLING.

VIC: 'Ta.

HAYLEY: Get yourself a Diet Cola. What time's her son gettin' here? (LAUGHING) What a slapper!

HAYLEY ZIPS UP THE CASE. SOUND OF BANGING FROM OUTSIDE.

VIC: You were wrong about the room.

HAYLEY: It's Mr. Chapman. He won't want off yet. Can't stand leavin' midway.

VIC: Ah.

FIRE ALARM SOUND.

HAYLEY: Bollocks!

Vic: Great balls of fire.

It seems like you've got a little world worked out, which is good. Have you worked in this environment?

I like the joke about the granny bank.

I was a little confused by the TV, and the interruptions of speech, - well actually the whole thing kept thrashing in different directions, but maybe this sample wasn't long enough for me to get a feel for how that will play out, there was no context. Like you said, you're not worried about the scene but the characters.

The characters seem different to each other, which is also good! Vic seems a bit brighter and/or older than Hayley, who seems to be obsessed with daytime TV.

Again, difficult to tell much from the short scene, particularly as the characters don't have much to do. They just seem to be moaning about people we haven't met. I would like to see at least one of them with a task of some kind, that would tell me a lot more about them.

But then, what do I know?

Hey Joe,

Thanks for the comments. It is something I've worked in so I know the environment well. However, it's causing me a little blindness as to whether certain character behaviour is expected. It might seem a bit stereotypical for instance, having a young female character who works in a menial job watching daytime TV. Also I don't want the characters to seem callous, just de-sensitised.

I will put up another scene, or perhaps the first few scenes in a little bit, cos as you say it's a little context-less.

Going to have to change what exactly they are doing it in that scene, for it seems a bit thrashy.

You are obviously an inventive writer but the situation doesn't engender mirth. I did a similar thing on BSG some time ago. It was set in a home for retired show-biz artists, try it,I think it will give more scope.

I've had a real problem with this idea. One of them is the fact if you make a comedy about people who don't do much and can't remember anything: where's your plot going? Then what do the people who look after them talk about: people not doing much. Hospitals work better cos people are coming in and out. "Look he's got a saw" through his head," blah blah.

However Waiting for God was quite funny, which used this model. Though they escaped, took hostages, did crazy (or sensible if your life is boring) stuff.

I am trying to write this now as a television comedy rather than a radio one (which it was before). Do you think this might work better? By the way Jerf, what was that thread called?

Haven't posted for aeons.

A few months ago I wrote this sitcom pilot about a nursing home. It's kind of sad in places - which is hard to escape with the subject.

I tried to rewrite it recently taking out most of the stuff about the home and more about the residents in it. This is a section of it. Any feedback would be good! Looking to rewrite again, maybe even change the format.

SOUND OF ENGINE. FOUR RESIDENTS ARE IN MINI-BUS

BEATTIE, BERYL, NIGEL, AND PETER.

JOHN, THE CARER IS THERE. HIS TUNIC IS DIRTY
NIGEL HAS BLANKET OVER HEAD.
PETER IS ASLEEP AND SNORING.
BERYL HAS A PROGRAMME FOR "MONTY'S CIRCUS" ON IT.
BEATTIE IS EATING SOME CAKES.

JOHN LOOKS AROUND. HE IS BORED.
HE STARTS TO SING "THE WHEELS ON THE BUS" BUT FALTERS.
NOBODY REACTS. JOHN SIGHES.

JOHNMUTTERING AND LOOKING)
I'll be all night getting pie out of my tunic.

BEATTIEPOINTS AT NIGEL) Does he want one of these?
They ain't got much salt.

NOBODY RESPONDS.

BEATTIE:I need the loo. Nobody will take me though.

Nobody listens, but I don't care. I don't want these cakes anyway...

PAUSE.

JOHNorry Beattie?

BEATTIE POINTS AND WAVES CAKES.

JOHN:I don't think so, at the moment.

BEATTIE:Is he not well?

BEATTIE POINTS AT NIGEL AGAIN.

JOHN:Well I suppose you could say that.
He gets a bit scared sometimes.
He had nasty experiences in the past.

BEATTIE:Well we all have'em.
My husband, Norm, he was scared of lots of stuff.

JOHN:Really?

BEATTIE:Yeah heights, and dogs.
And do you what he was scared of most?

JOHN:No?

BEATTIELOOKS THOUGHTFUL AND AFTER PAUSE) Buttons.

JOHN:Really?

BEATTIE:He'd say "make sure you take the buttons of my coats."
So I did.

JOHN:Maybe he didn't like buttons,
because....clowns have big buttons.

BEATTIE: Do they?
Are we going then, to the circus?

BERYL:We've just been.

BEATTIE SNIFFS AND IGNORES BERYL.

JOHNOVERLAPPING) Yes we are.
It's called Beachview Care Home.

BEATTIE:Lovely. Do they have lions?

JOHNh yeah. Really ferocious ones.
And the clowns are in charge of the circus.

They get given loads of monopoly money.
Then, they keep everyone amused by paying very little,
and not employing enough people.
Which is why they deserve the company clown car.

BEATTIEEARNESTLY) I see.
Beachview, I know that name.

BERYLMUFFLED BEHIND PROGRAMME) You live there.

BEATTIETO JOHN) Do I?

JOHN:I'm afraid so Beattie.

BERYLLOOKING UP FROM PROGRAMME) Beastie?

PAUSE.

BEATTIE:With this...lot?

JOHN:Yup.

BEATTIE:That's a shame.

NIGELMUFFLED BY COVER) It's a shame.

SOUND OF ENGINE QUIET AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS.

JOHN:Nigel, come out of there mate.
There's a horse in that field. You like horses, don't you?

JOHN TRIES TO REMOVE NIGEL'S BLANKET, WITHOUT LUCK.

NIGELUNDER COVER) Some horses.

BERYLLOOKING UP FROM PROGRAMME) Some what?

SOUND OF ENGINE LOUDER.

JOHNid you see the horse in that field?

BERYL:No. Why?

JOHN:Just something to look at I suppose.

BERYL:Why?

JOHN:Um...

BEATTIEEATING) My husband's scared of horses.
And buttons. But not lions.

BERYL:Well if a horse comes near me, I'll punch it in the face.

JOHN:Why would you do that?

BERYLirty, smelly thing.

JOHN:What about a donkey? Would you hit one of them?

BERYL:What's a donkey?

JOHN:Like a horse, but a bit sadder.

BERYL: It'll be sadder, when I punch it in the face.

BERYL GOES BACK TO BOOK.

NIGEL: (MUFFLED BY COVER) It's a shame.

BERYL: What?

NIGEL: (MUFFLED BY COVER) It's a shame.

BEATTIE STARTS TUGGING THE BLANKET.

BEATTIE: This horse can't see well, it's got..(a hood on.)

JOHNOVERLAPPING AND GOING TO STOP BEATTIE)
Best leave him Beats.

BERYL: Who has a hood on?

BEATTIE: This horse.

JOHNOVERLAPPING) Here we go...

BEATTIESHOUTING) I think it's cruel, putting a hood on him.
He's scared of horses.

BERYL:That's not a horse, it's a f**king idiot.
And you're clearly, quite mad.

BEATTIEANGRY AND TRYING TO GET UP) Oh yeah?
You saucy bitch...

JOHN GETS BETWEEN THE TWO AS BUS STOPS.
A VOICE AT THE FRONT SAYS "LOO BREAK."
BEATTIE AND BERYL DISTRACTED, BERYL BACK TO PROGRAMME.

BEATTIE:Well I need the loo. I've been (bursting for ages now...)

NIGELOVERLAPPING, MUFFLED) It's a shame.

JOHNorry hon' but you're in a wheelchair today.
You're going to have wait 'til we get back. Anybody need the...?

BEATTIEInterrupting) I do.

JOHN:Anybody else?

BERYL:No thank you.