I wrote this just after the wedding announcement. I assume it's been rejected by Treason (even though it's almost certainly treason) and NR.
Dan
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LET'S DO IT (THE BALLAD OF KATE & WILLS)
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to the tune of Victoria Wood's 'Let's Do It (The Ballad of Barry & Freda)'
PRINCE WILLIAM AND PRINCESS-TO-BE KATE WALK ON STAGE. KATE SOUNDS LIKE AN AIRLINE STEWARDESS, CHEWING GUM
BOTH:
Kate and Wills sat one night,
The sky was clear, the stars were bright,
The wind was soft, the moon was up,
Katie drained her cocoa cup.
She licked her lips, she felt mystique
She switched off 'Coronation Street'
William cringed in fear and dread
As Kate grabbed his cravat and said
KATE:
Let's do it, Let's do it
That soap has really turned me on
Those cobbles, making me wobble
I'm gonna put my tracksuit on
Let's go, treat me like a 'ho
Shake my sexy booty in hip-hop video
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
But he said:
WILLS:
One won't do it, won't do it
One doesn't believe in working-class sex
Salacious, voracious
Frankly not what one expects
Stop nagging, One's flagging
Not sure one's cut out for council estate shagging
One won't do it, won't do it tonight
So she said:
KATE:
Let's do it, let's do it
Be a bit adventurous
Not in bed, like you said
Let's do it on a shuttle bus!
I'm not chavvy, let's do it in the lavvy
It might even help me be more media savvy
Let's do it, let's do it, tonight
But he said:
WILLS:
One won't do it, won't do it
You've very nearly royalty
It's uncouth, this sex-obsessed youth
You really must be able to see
It's madness, this badness
It's tinges one's grandparents with a morbid sadness
One won't do it, won't do it tonight
So she said
KATE:
Let's do it, Let's do it
Have a crazy night of lust
Non-stop, behind the Co-op
Hanging on those bars with rust
Satiate my fancies, Like we're vigilantes
I'm wearing nipple tassles and cheap crotchless panties
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
But he said :
WILLS:
One won't do it, won't do it
Daring sex is just all wrong
You've got to stop, trying to go on top
And then we'll just get along
We're not from Leicester, Or Manchester
We can't do it on the bonnet of an old Fiesta
One won't do it, won't do it, tonight
KATE:
Let's do it, let's do it
Share a night of wild roleplay
Aggressive, be possessive
Pretend you're leading me astray
Mock prosecution, Electrocution
Even whip me: try to teach me elocution
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
WILLS:
One won't do it, won't do it
I just don't get this kinky thing
Burlesque basque, gorilla mask
Or bonking whilst we're on a swing
I don't get it, it's too energetic
Your sexual demands will make me diabetic
One won't do it, won't do it, tonight
KATE:
Let's do it, Let's do it
I'm really feeling very rude
Feeling kinky, has moistened up my twinkie
Dress me up and use some food
Tight rubber dress, let's make lots of mess
whip me with spaghetti, call me Rudolph Hess!
But let's do it, let's do it tonight
WILLS:
One won't do it, won't do it
To dress up, I just refuse
No dramas, just put on pyjamas
Then we're ready for a snooze
It's rotten, when you're not in cotton
One doesn't like cigarette ash dropped into my bottom
I won't do it, won't do it tonight
KATE:
Let's do it, let's do it
I want to do it in the woods
Outdoors, on all fours
In perishable goods
Ignite me! Excite me!
To chase me like Benny Hill would delight me!
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
WILLS:
One won't do it, won't do it
We really can't be seen that way
It's silly, painting on my willy
That's not the way a king behaves!
Now listen, I want abolition
Of everything except the missionary position
One won't do it, won't do it tonight
(KATE WAVES NURSE'S UNIFORM AND GIMP MASK AT WILLS. HE LOOKS SCARED.)
KATE:
Let's do it, let's do it
I really want to try the new
Reverse cowgirl, give it a whirl
Put me in a cage made from bamboo!
Don't be mild, be a bit wild
We can make a mess now the bathroom's tiled!
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
Let's do it, let's do it
I need to experiment
New positions, lose our inhibitions
I'm sure you'll find it heaven-sent
Not meekly, more than once-weekly
You be Adrian Chiles, I'll be Christine Bleakle-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-y (HOLDS NOTE)
WILLS:
(NOW INTERESTED) Will *you* be Adrian Chiles?
KATE NODS WHILST HOLDING NOTE. WILLS GETS HIS KIT OFF.
BOTH:
We're gonna do it! Let's do it! Tonight!
END
Original lyrics:
Freda and Barry sat one night
The sky was clear, the stars were bright
The wind was soft, the mood was up
Freda drained her cocoa cup
She licked her lips, she felt sublime
She switched off Gardener's Question Time
Barry cringed in fear and dread
When Freda grabbed his tie and said
Let's do it, let's do it, do it while the mood is right
I'm feeling appealing, I've really got an appetite
I'm on fire with desire
I could handle half the tenors in the male voice choir
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
But he said
I can't do it, I can't do it, I don't believe in too much sex
This fashion for passion makes me a nervous wreck
No derision, my decision -
I'd rather watch McCalmans on the television
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight
But she said
Let's do it, let's do it till our hearts go boom
Go native, creative, we'll do it in the living room
It's folly, it's jolly
Bend me over backwards on the hostess trolley
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
But he said
I can't do it, I can't do it, my heavy-breathing days are gone
I'm older, I'm colder, it's other things that turn me on
Yes, I'm boring, I'm imploring
I want to read this catalogue on vinyl flooring
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight
Then she said
Come on, let's do it, let's do it, have a crazy night of love
I'll strip bare, I'll just wear stilettos and an oven glove
Don't give me no palaver
Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
But he said
I can't do it, I can't do it, I know I'll only get it wrong
No angle for me to dangle, my arms have never been that strong
Stop shouting, stop pouting
You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting
I can't do it, can't do it tonight
But she said
Let's do it, let's do it, have a night of old romance
Poetic, frenetic, this could be your last big chance
Read Milton, eat Stilton
Roll with gay abandon on a tufted Wilton
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
Then he said
I can't do it, I can't do it, I've got such a lot of jobs on hand
Don't grouse around the house, I've got a busy evening planned
Stop nagging, I'm flagging,
You know as well as me that the pipes need lagging
Can't do it, can't do it tonight
Then she said
Let's do it, let's do it while I'm really in the mood
It's years and years since I got you even semi-nude
Get drastic, gymnastic
Wear the baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
But he said
I can't do it, I can't do it, I must refuse to get undressed
It's chilly, I feel silly to go without my thermal vest
Don't choose me, don't use me
Mum sent a note saying you must excuse me
Can't do it, can't do it tonight
Then she said
Let's do it, let's do it, I really absolutely must
I won't exempt you, I want to tempt you
I want to drive you mad with lust
No caution, just contortions
Smear an avocado on my lower portions
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
Be mighty, be flighty
Come and melt the buttons on my flame-proof nightie
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
Not meekly, not bleakly
Beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly
Let's do it, let's do it tonight
