Updated Stand up routine

Hi guys, I've added a few more things, hopefully its coming together a bit more than the last times. I have a few other things but I believe that will mean that I'll be talking for way over my time. Any comments are well appreciated. Thanks.

Hi everyone, how are we all? Nice and merry? Its nearly Christmas now isn't it? Well you know that already don't you? You have all known that for quite some time now. We all have that one goofy friend who will come up to us at some point in the year and say "Did you know its only 280 days till Christmas? Can you believe that!"

"...so its...March?"

Its like evrywhere you go there's a little voice just reminding you that its nearly Christmas. You'll open the cupboard - 'nearly Christmas'. You'll open a drawer - 'nearly Christmas' ... What are you talking about? Its August!?

But I think its going to feel a lot more Christmassy this year because of course we had the snow rather early this year didn't we? And its led to all sorts of trouble - because people always fall into the trap of 'Ohhh those snowflakes look so pretty don't they?' But no, meanwhile the snow is scheming. Its soul purpose is to become an inconvinience to us..

(Impression of the snow as its falling)

"Yeahhh Im gonna make you late for work, yeahhh your kids are gonna be off school, yeahh im gonna cause so many accidents, yeah im gonna land on your car!! MWWHAHAHA"

And it does. It stops work it stops school it stops deliveries. Quite ironic actually, in the Milton Keynes SnoZone the snow actually stopped a delivery... of snow.

I had always wondered can you get such thing as acid snow? Its a beautiful concept because you can get acid rain so I thought it only makes sense to get acid snow..

"Play nicely Jimmy, here's your hat and gloves. Don't eat the yellow snow - or that luminous stuff!"

He comes back later with no face.. "MUMMMEHHHH"

Normal people will pray for no snow because they have commitments whereas all the junkes will be praying for the acid snow to get their free fix.

There's a lot of TV on an Christmas these days. Do you reckon the Queen watches telly? I hope she does so that she can see the terrible acting on EastEnders:

"Phillip."
"yes, dear?"
"You see that Ben boy on the television"
"Yes, dear."
"I want him to have a horrific accident."

"Well.. not sure we can do that dear."
"I can't stand him. At least write to the BBC and get them too change the storyline. Get him molested or something."

Im a Celeb's just finished hasn't it. You know I would love Ant and Decs job.
"And now celebs, for your next BushTucker trial, you ust eat the ENTIRE contents.. of this Iceland Party Platter"

"You must keep this.. 'prawn ring' in your mouth for 20 seconds"
"That's f**kin' disgustinnn'"

Anyway I should probably tell you a bit about myself. I am one of those people who has never known how to play 'Minesweeper' on the computer, but have found myself playing it on more than one occasion.

I can't anymore. I had a computer virus recently. Who here has had a computer virus? Mine was a right pain in the ass. I think they called it 'Ringworm'.

Well I ran the virus check and it gave me all sorts of bullshit;

'We have found several breaches in ports 5413 and 5310 in the central processing unit of the C Drive on the ... membrane... uterus..'

I said 'Give it to me straight Bill'

"Well, we've 'ad a quick look round... and yeah, you're FUCKED."

Anywaysthat's enough from me, you might wanna wake those guys up over there.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ December 5 2010, 1:15 PM GMT

Hi everyone, how are we all? Nice and merry? Its nearly Christmas now isn't it? Well you know that already don't you? You have all known that for quite some time now.

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Cut this bit down, you need to get to your first laugh asap.

(Impression of the snow as its falling)

"Yeahhh Im gonna make you late for work, yeahhh your kids are gonna be off school, yeahh im gonna cause so many accidents, yeah im gonna land on your car!! MWWHAHAHA"

Switch this to a three line list joke. The first two scenarios should be normal (late for work, kids off school) and the last one should subvert your expectation. Certainly a good premise.

And it does. It stops work it stops school it stops deliveries. Quite ironic actually, in the Milton Keynes SnoZone the snow actually stopped a delivery... of snow.

I really love the prmise, but it's not making too much sense in it's current layout. Also I would say you should change SnoZone for 'indoor ski ramp' as you will get people (like me) who don't know what SnoZone is.

"Luckily Royal Mail have reported minimal disruption because of the conditions. Except Milton Keynes indoor ski ramp's weekly delivery of snow."

Normal people will pray for no snow because they have commitments whereas all the junkes will be praying for the acid snow to get their free fix.

Acid snow part up to here is perfect. This is a good premise for a gag but a couple of technical issues will unravel it. Firstly 'junkies' are heroin addicts, so it doesn't make sense in this context.

"Acid snow would be terrible. Unless you were a druggie. You'd see them lining the streets talking to snowmen while tripping their frosty tits off."

"I can't stand him. At least write to the BBC and get them too change the storyline. Get him molested or something."

I like this section, but it need a stronger payoff than molestation. Think of something royal. Something to do with corgis maybe? Leaving a corgi head in his bed? I don't know.

"That's f**kin' disgustinnn'"

You don't need to say that, I think you'll just be talking over a laugh. Cut it out because the line before is the punchline.

Anyway I should probably tell you a bit about myself. I am one of those people who has never known how to play 'Minesweeper' on the computer, but have found myself playing it on more than one occasion.

I don't like this gag at all personally, but if you do like it it'll need reworking.

"I like playing minesweeper on the PC. Despite having NO IDEA HOW".

Well I ran the virus check and it gave me all sorts of bullshit;

With anything computery, don't assume your audience will even understand the basics. I'd take out bullshit and say error messages.

Anywaysthat's enough from me, you might wanna wake those guys up over there.

This last bit could be a good callback if you say at the beginning. "Hello everyone, I'm juan, I'm only here for 5 minutes in case any of you want to have a nap". But it could be risky depending on how you say it- it could put people off before you start, but if you're likable as soon as you come out it's a decent giggle, and a strong callback to finish on.

Wow, where do I start? Thanks both of you for the generous feedback I appreciate the time you both put into it to help me. I think all of the advice you have given me is spot on really.

Veronica the minesweeper joke is meant to be that I have tried playing it a couple of times out of curiosity but I've never actually known the rules, just clicked randomly.. lol

As for the Ringworm joke, that is meant to be because most viruses are called like Worms or Trojans or Bugs so im pretending as if know nothing about computers and could get a 'worm' (virus) confused with 'ringworm' which Im sure would be a literal pain in the ass.

Btw, I was meant to try this last night at a stand up thing but I phoned up before hand and they told me they weren't insured for anyone under 18 :/

I was thinking of adding this last bit into the mix somewhere:

So Facebook is pretty huge right now. Its causing a lot of controversy too. I once knew a girl who used to e-date people on Facebook and meet up wih them thinking it was 'true love'. But after one of these dates she was in pieces - on a hard shoulder 10 miles outside Luton in a bin bag.

Im thinking of writing to the creator and just saying 'Look, lets just cut the crap and change the f**king name to RapeBook.'

Or maybe 'Last-time-you'll-see-her-Face....Book.'

On the other hand I guess its a good thing that to be Facebook-raped or 'Fraped' as its better known, is defined by 'someone bein on your account and posting embarassing things pretending to be you' - Rather than 'being bundled into the back of a van after meeting up with 'Big Mac' at the park'

Nice work Juan, and with Veronica's and Nat's excellent feedback, even better. The only thing I would tweak a bit more is:

"Acid snow would be terrible. Unless you were a druggie. You'd see them lining the streets talking to snowmen while tripping their frosty tits off."
I would change "druggies" to "Hippies" as I think that would strengthen the idea about acid snow.

That's brilliant, Thanks a lot Scratchyr, I appreciate it

You're welcome. Only thought of it because of the hard work done by Nat though.

Haha yeah, I just thought of the concept but didn't really know how to get many laughs from it.. thanks for the help

Agree on the use of the word hippie. That works nicely.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ December 6 2010, 10:03 AM GMT

So Facebook is pretty huge right now. Its causing a lot of controversy too. I once knew a girl who used to e-date people on Facebook and meet up wih them thinking it was 'true love'. But after one of these dates she was in pieces - on a hard shoulder 10 miles outside Luton in a bin bag.

Im thinking of writing to the creator and just saying 'Look, lets just cut the crap and change the f**king name to RapeBook.'

Or maybe 'Last-time-you'll-see-her-Face....Book.'

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Just been reading through the stand up routines posted on here and this is the funniest I've read.

Love the facebook routine above but would cut it off where I have in the quote. Also thought the Ben from EastEnders section was great, although they have changed Ben now!

I think the biggest problem I have seen on here is people trying to crowbar in callbacks. I wouldn't worry about that when you first start out, if they come naturally then use it but don't feel you have to make it a 5 minute story. Think you avoided this, but it's a gneral observation.

Cheers for the feedback tom, but sorry what do you mean by crowbar in callbacks?

Yeah I noticed they've changed ben too, how ridiculous is it Haha! I always think that phil or whoever has picked the wrong kid up.. Would have been a better replacement if ben was a black kid. But I could always reword the queen joke as that's what happened to the kid who played ben?

I thought of a few more things I might add:

There's always good TV on at Christmas. I watched that sweeney todd the other day. The story of a man who chops people up and sells them as pies. Some people saythat's f**ked up, but mcdonalds runs on pretty much the same process. Im a fan of the saw movies. Anyone like the saw movies? Well they're aimed at more of a specific audience but I know that a few years down the line there will be a family one.. Probably where santa climbs down a chimney and falls into a trap. If then wakes up and is told that if he doesn't remove -and eat- the mince pie from behind his eye, Christmas will be ruined. Nice bit of family fun there.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ December 23 2010, 12:10 PM GMT

The story of a man who chops people up and sells them as pies. Some people say that's f**ked up, but mcdonalds runs on pretty much the same process.

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I'm not sure what you're getting at there.

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ December 23 2010, 12:10 PM GMT

Anyone like the saw movies?

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The 'Saw' movies did relatively well at the box office so if you get an audience that DOES know the 'Saw' movies, they'll like your joke. It's a great joke for 'Saw' fans.