Okay, I don't ever intend to do stand up comedy but thought I'd get in on the act since alot of people are posting their's. (Plus it was requested by Veronica). Anyway, this is the first stand up I've written, first some long winded jokes then some quickies. Its not in the order I would do it if I chose to perform it I just wrote whatever came to mind and left it in that order. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
My brother's a vegetarian so he gets those Linda McCartney sausages. They're a bit plain though, maybe if she'd eaten more meat.
She was great though, with all her charity work. I recently did a bit of charity work myself, I made a charity calendar for the local fire station. The women went mad for it, all queuing up to buy them from the sexy firemen. Boy were they disappointed by the pictures of burning buildings inside...and I thought that one of that pet store was so cute. Burning puppy hanging out the window (Mime a puppy whimpering). Had some trouble taking that one, the lads kept trying to put the fire out.
Some charity campaigners they point out that a lot of the clothes we wear are made by little children in third world countries. They its young kids working for a pittance until their fingers bleed so we shouldn't buy anything made in these places.. But I wouldn't wanna disappoint all those little fellas after they've worked so hard. Imagine them back at the sweat shop being told that nobody is buying the lovely Nike trainers they've been working so hard to make. They'd be distraught. So, you know, always support the sweat shops, its a good cause.
Do you ever clean your room? (Wait a moment for crowd's response). Well, evidently some of you don't, messy f**kers. The thing I like about is when you look around after and you think "Yeah, this is my new life now. I'm gonna be clean, I'll be organised". You come in drunk later that night, dragging in muck, spilling your drink, eating a curry in bed. You wake up and there's a right mess...and then you have to wake her up and tell her to leave.
So I'm 21, I lived with my mother for all my life but she recently left me for another man. She said she needed a man that could deliver, she ended up marrying our postman. I needed someone who could make me happy so I moved in with a clown. He left me and I ended up moving in with a fisherman for a while but he left too. But there are plenty more fisherman in the sea.
I remember back when I was younger I used to say I'd never get married. I'll never make generalisations like that again. But we all make mistakes, that's what rubbers are for.
You know the way in school there was always one kid who was really weird and always smelled funny? That was me. I never had an imaginary friend but I used to spend hours imagining I had one.
