British Comedy Guide

Mis-timed

I need help with a few short lines. I can't just make it sing.

MAN#1
How's ya dad

MAN#2
He died yesterday.

MAN#1
Oh, I am sorry

MAN#2
They are useless at that hospital.

MAN#1
Why, what happened.

MAN#2
They gave him a month to live and the month's not up until tomorrow.

That's basically very nice, Stephen.

You just need to tidy up the last line.

How about:

MAN#2
They gave him a month to live and that was only THREE WEEKS ago.

It's not funnier than your version in terms of content or meaning but I think the improved rhythm lifts it a little.

Yes, it's the last line that 'jangles'

I have tried different time settings but I want it to be almost to the day/hour they were out by.

I had a version where MAN#2 says something like 'He is going to die tomorrow, they gave him a fortnight 2 weeks ago'.

I am sure it can be done more succinctly

He's decided to save for next year's summer holidays.

How about making the man sound very posh :

MAN #2
They gave him a month to live. I was hoping it could be August so he could babysit when we go to France

or

MAN #2
I went to the trouble of bringing in some Deep Heat because they said he was stiff

MAN 2
They gave him a month to live and he died yesterday, the 30th - don't they know October has 31 days?!

Your big decision, Stephen, is whether you want the conversation to credible or incredible.

There's far more skill in creating credible scenarios and a useful guide to where the limit of credibility lies might be to ask yourself 'What would Trigger (Del Boy's mate) believe?'

How about:

MAN 2: They gave him a month to live

MAN 1: Make sure its not February

Thank you. All these lines have great merit and are funny - but I don't want obvious 'funny'

The MAN#2's character is a credible one. He unintentionally delivers pay-off's dead pan. (I suppose a little 'trigger' like)
For the moment I am going to leave it 'stet' or maybe work with Kasm's dateline a little

Thank you again for your help especially you Veronica

Hey Stephen, thanks for the compliment - if you're looking for something that obviousy isn't funny, I'm your man. :)

If it's more deadpan you're looking for, how about:

MAN#2
They gave him a month to live and he died bang on 4 weeks. How many months have only 4 weeks? Useless.

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