A response to Veronica's call for 2 minutes of original Stand Up. https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/19410/
My persona? - a man in his sixties.
"Good Evening all. Anyone here from {insert local town name}?"
Somebody in the audience eventually waves a hand.
"Excellent. If you could wait around at the end, I need a lift home."
Indicate my ageing features.
"I'm not a young man. I've been around the block a few times."
{Two follow-ups here, dependent on the venue.}
"Well. There's no bloody where to park near here."
or
"Well. This place is bloody badly signposted."
"For men of my age, Prostate Cancer is a big worry. I had the blood test and got referred to the hospital. Turns out my local hospital is using dogs to sniff out cancers. I got there and the nurse said: 'Just slip on your gown. The specialist will be with you shortly; matron is just taking him for his walkies.'"
Audience stony silence.
"I'm recording this for release. John Cage is gonna want royalties!"
"You think you're a tough audience? The last gig I had was at an Old People's Home. That is tough. Being the warm up for Afternoon Tea. Heckles of: 'When's cake?'."
"Anyway, the dog decides I have cancer and I ask the nurse if I can have a second opinion."
Pause for audience to expect old Ken Dodd gag
"The nurse says OK and we fill in a referral form. She asks me about my family medical history. I tell her that all 4 of my grandparents died in the 1920s of Consumption ... the women of cakes and the men of beer."
"I got my letter of referral to the brand new hospital out of town. The Trust is closing down the local one. National Car Parks are buying the land; they've noticed how hard it is to park near the hospital and reckon to make a fortune ... I'm not so sure."
Select random man and woman from the audience
"You two should get married." {to the man} "Why don't you propose to her here and now?"
Random reaction.
"All right. All right. I was just trying to engage the audience."
"I had that Cheryl Cole in my cab the other day ... No, I'm not a taxi driver. We both hailed the same cab in the West End. And both got in. I let her have the cab after I'd explained her destination to the driver. Am I the only man who doesn't fancy Cheryl Cole? Did you see her on X-Factor on Saturday? She looked like Coco the Clown with all that ... what do you call it ... rouge ... on her face. I would kick her out of bed. {Pause} She could stay in the spare room. It's en-suite. So she could have no excuse for wandering around in the middle of the night and accidentally-on-purpose ending up in my bed."
"My grandson took me to one of those new-fangled sushi bars. I complained when I found a cockroach in my dish. But the waiter said it was just a bug that was going round."
"The last time I had medical treatment was for an in growing toenail. Just a day bed. The surgeon operated without taking my boot off. He used eye hole surgery."
"My granddaughter isn't happy with the NHS. She worries that her breasts are very small. The NHS gave her hypnotherapy treatment to improve her body self-image. Now she's got False Mammary Syndrome!"
"So, I go to a second hospital for my second opinion. Only one spare seat in the Waiting Room and I'm next to the car bore who asks me: 'What are you driving today?'. 'A KA' {pronounce as Car}, I reply curtly. This shuts him up. I recommend everyone to get a Ford KA {pronounce as K.A.} for such circumstances.
Look apologetically at the audience
"I know it's a woman's car! It not like I clean it or anything."
"So, the man next to me is shut up, and I settle down to read Saga Magazine.
Look apologetically at the audience
"When you're fifty they start sending it to you. It's a good magazine ... Really ... Believe me ... There's no Readers' Wives section."
"So, I get to see the second Prostate specialist. It's a human this time. A Man. And he says: 'Show me your fingers'. And I say: 'What??'. He says: 'I need to examine your ring and index fingers.' And I say: 'Whoa. If you're investigating my prostate gland, I'll be examining your fingers.'
"I Thank You."
