I have no desire to be a stand up comedian. I have done several funny speeches and work Xmas funnies etc. where I have enjoyed the performing aspect. As an experiment more than anything I have produced the below. I picture it in a northern laboured accent maybe as a character. Maybe more of a monolouge? All my own work. All thoughts welcome:
My kids were a little bit upset this week. Tiddles died.. Choked on a fish bone from a mackerel Mr Marrow next door gave us. It wouldn't have been quite so traumatic if the kids hadn't witnessed it. 5 minutes thrashing around on the kitchen floor, big swollen eyes and a tongue like a cunnilingus instructor. Enough to give anyone the heeby-geegies.
Poor old Tiddles. Must ask Uncle Tony where Aunty Beryl got that nickname from? Might lighten the eulogy a bit.
Little Molly's gonna miss her the most. She's only five. They were very close.
A few months ago molly walked into the bathroom and saw her naked for the first time.
"What's that hairy thing Aunty" she said. Quick as a flash Beryl says "that's Uncle Tony's rose garden sweetheart".
"Has he just put some pellets down? " asked Molly, "cos those two big slugs are making a run for it". Oh how we all laughed when she chose parents evening to tell us about it.
She was nearly 80 Aunty Beryl but she was always bang up to date with everything. She was a bit of a local celebrity around our way with her 'Tweets' about Uncle Tony's reluctance to join in with social networking.
(As Beryl) "Tony's just cut the grass and still won't go on Facebook." "Tony's just painted the skirting board but still won't use email." "Tony bent down to put coal on.. and sharted...didn't see the funny side when I told him to go on cheeks reunited". The whole village loved it. She did her best to get him involved of course.
(As Tony) "If I wanted a hundred and forty bloody characters I'd have married Mike f**kin' Yarwood 20 times" he used to say...every day....about a dozen times......
He'll miss her of course but Uncle Tony has always kept himself alert mentally. "Brains are more use than balls lad" he used to say. 78 years old. He was well known by the local widows as having a very active pair of brains!
Uncle Tony copes very well with bereavement. His own mother died five years ago in a nursing home. He'd visit her once a week on a Sunday until he was banned for an unfortunate incident. Unfortunate for him that is that the matron found the hidden camera in the end of his snooker case. The name 'up-skirt Tony' only stuck for a couple of years. He's allowed back in to the 147 Snooker Club now but occasionally, if the pink is near the brown on any table, the cry of "quick Tony, get your camera" still goes up.
As part of his probation he attended therapeutic poetry classes. He became quite good and gave several rhyming couplets to some of the villagers who used to sneer and whisper when he went past. At least he did until he saw Midsomer Murders and realised that you can get DNA from the back of a stamp. I suppose Jock Tucker and Cass Cole were easy targets.
Also I wasn't sure about the cunnilingus line, could you have something like