Stand up ideas for a gig.

Hypothetically, if I were to do a gig, this would probably be some of the things included.. Sorry to anyone if you've heard them before because I may have posted some of the stuff in threads prior to this one, but I am attempting to bring all of my stuff together and condense it.

Short ones:

- A musical note walks into a bar (maybe add tags) e.g buys quavers
- An Irishman walks OUT of a bar
- A dog isn't just for Christmas, it can last a couple of months if properly frozen
- When I was younger, I had a fascination with being a 'crash test dummy', at leastthat's what Dad told the social.
- I'm one of those people who has never known how to play 'Minesweeper', yet I've found myself playing it on more than one occasion?

Topical ones:

- Getting a lot of snow recently aren't we? I've always wondered if there's such thing as 'acid snow'... That would be brilliant..

"Ok Jimmy, here's your hat and gloves, play nicely and don't eat the yellow snow. Or the luminous stuff." - And he comes back later with no face..

- New Harry Potter is out.. everyone's been talking about it. Im suprised that jk rowling got away with such an outrageous storyline.. Its basically the story of an 11 year old boy that's snatched and taken to a secret location to practise 'magic' with an elderly homosexual. That wouldn't be allowed now would it?
'stop touching my child you maniac!' 'but he's a WIZARD!'

I want them to release one where Hagrid finally makes a move on Hermione. Lets face it its been a long time coming.

"Well, Hermione, I don't know a lot about relationships... only what Dumbledore showed me n tha', but I have practised a fair bit on Fang 'ere?"

(Fang's his dog incase no1 has watched it.)

- they try to make each harry potter more badass than the last. I want to see the one where Voldemort finally corneres Harry...

"And finally, without interruption, I can kill you Mr.Potter."

And Harry just pulls out a gun. - 'eyy yo voldemort, ya'll be comin' near ma class ima pop another cap in yo white trash ass!!

- I'm a celeb has been on recently then.. You know what I don't think I can watch anymore of the gagging and heaving and those disgusting things they have to eat. And that's just the Iceland adverts.

Or..

- And now celebs, for your next Bushtucker trial, you have to eat the ENTIRE contents... of this.. Iceland Party Platter.

Other:

- So yeah I got a virus on my computer the other day.. The thing that annoys me is, computers are so overly complicated for their target audience.. I mean there's only a handful of nerds in the world that understand that 'command prompt' bullshit.

But they do TRY to make it easier for you, when something goes wrong, they like to say 'We will send an error report to Microsoft.'

'..Really? You would do that for me?'
'Do what?'
'...Send the report?'
'What report?'
'The... Microsoft error one?'
'What? Oh... Oh f**k no... No, no, no that's just something we say when we f**k up... you'll catch on.'

- But yeah I had this virus... Hand's up who's had a virus before.. Pain in the ass.. Yeah I had this.. I dunno what it is.. 'Ringworm' or whatever they're called. And once again the virus scan gives you all that bullshit aswell..

"We have discovered several breaches in ports 5490 and 2134 in the central processing unit" - well I can translate that for you now..

"Well mate, we've 'ad a look round.. and you're FUCKED."

Anyways any criticism is appreciated.. I know most are probs bad (the reason why I don't think Ill do stand up) but with delivery I think they'd be alright..

There's some good stuff there, Juan.

The 'crash test dummy' joke is very topical.

The 'acid snow' has good potential too.

The 'Harry Potter' and 'Internet' stuff appear a little light on laughs but would work with a strong enough delivery.

Any shortish joke works with a strong enough delivery.

Thanks Veronica for your feedback, I appreciate it! That's made me feel a lot better but yes hopefully with the right delivery they will work.. Btw I updated a few of the harry potter ones!

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ December 1 2010, 8:36 PM GMT

. Im suprised that jk rowling got away with such an outrageous storyline.. Its basically the story of an 11 year old boy that's snatched and taken to a secret location to practise 'magic' with an elderly homosexual.

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In 2010, you're on dodgy ground when you imply that elderly homosexuals are people one wouldn't want keeping company with 11-year-old boys. I see where you're coming from (Catholic priests and all that) but surely nobody worries over-much about elderly HETEROsexual men teaching their 11-year-old DAUGHTERS in the context of a well-regulated school?

Strangely, although 'homosexual' is an acceptable word when applied as an adjective to a gay man, when applied to him as a noun it seems always to involve a sneer of disapproval as if the speaker has just encountered a bad smell.

If you do that joke to a largish audience, it's very likely there'll be a fair number of gay men and there'll be plenty of people who have gay male friends. They're not going to like it and neither will several other people. It just seems 'anti-gay' and intended to get a laugh from homophobes.

I think there's a good chance that joke will kill you stone dead on your arse and the rest of your set will probably at some point see a tumbleweed blowing silently across the front of the stage.

I thought your second variation on the iceland joke was right on.

Veronica, I didn't intend that joke to snipe at catholic priests, being a Christian myself, I find that people who make such cheap jokes render no talent at all.. But I see what you mean, the joke is touching on paedophilia which is a modern day taboo so I should probs drop it?

Jpm1, thanks a lot man

No, the reason that it needs to be dropped is that you're accidentally comparing homosexuality to paedophillia.

So I could change it to elderly 'man' or 'wizard'?

You could. Although it's not the first harry potter paedo style joke I've heard. You need a slightly more original angle to make it workable and original.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ December 2 2010, 4:50 PM GMT

No, the reason that it needs to be dropped is that you're accidentally comparing homosexuality to paedophillia.

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Correct.

It's a great joke in an environment where gay men are funny simply because of what they are - but, once you leave the schoolyard, you'll really have to plumb the depths of society pretty deeply before you'll get a laugh with 'Gays, eh? (TUTS, ROLLS EYES UPWARDS]'.

Anyway, I only just got round to reading the whole thing. Good to see you've taken feedback from previous postings.

"Ok Jimmy, here's your hat and gloves, play nicely and don't eat the yellow snow. Or the luminous stuff." - And he comes back later with no face..

I really like this line. That could bring a room down if it's delivered just right.

So yeah I got a virus on my computer the other day.. The thing that annoys me is, computers are so overly complicated for their target audience.. I mean there's only a handful of nerds in the world that understand that 'command prompt' bullshit.

You don't need any of this in, it's just filler. Change it to simply "I'm useless with computers" that's as much setup as you need. I do like the next bit of dialogue between you and the PC though.

-But yeah I had this virus... Hand's up who's had a virus before.. Pain in the ass.. Yeah I had this.. I dunno what it is.. 'Ringworm' or whatever they're called.

Really good idea but needs to be reworked for a stronger punch line. I'd go with something like "I had a computer virus, it was a right pain in the ass, I think they called it ringworm..". Move the important word to the end of the sentence, it will work a lot better.

Also I'm not keen on the first half of the harry potter bit, but I do like the idea of him being an inner city teenager with popping caps and the like. I'd be more tempted to come up with a minute or twho worth of gags on that idea rather than HP as a theme. You could have hagrid say "YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY" and H to P could reply with something charming like "F**k you talkin' bout- paedo" (this way you can make a paedo joke because you're actually making fun of the modern day teenagers' use of the word, and you're not making anyone the victim of your joke).

Wow. I nearly shat myself while laughing at 'f**k you talkin bout - paedo?' Haha!
Do you think the rap bit is a good idea though?

And yeah I just needed someone to change the order of some of the jokes.. Cause it was just ramblings really. Is it ok if I use the stuff that you suggested?

Thanks a lot for the feedback Nat.

I wouldn't rap, re se. That can be extremely cheesy and very hard to pull of, but I do like your making Harry all street 'n shit.

Of course it's okay to use the stuff I've suggested- they're just versions of your jokes. You came up with the punchlines, others are only helping you with the technical bits.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ December 2 2010, 5:25 PM GMT

it's okay to use the stuff I've suggested

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If he goes on to be the next Michael McIntyre, you'll be sorry you didn't arrange a 10% commission while he was nothing.

My gift is the gift of joke editing. Now only if I was any good at writing my own...