Skit Comp 25.11-2.12.10

Nice crop this week so congratulations to STEPHEN SUNSHINE for yet another victory! Celebrate with an ale, a couple of cigarettes and a few prostitutes, then PM me for next week's subject please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - Steve Sunshine
3 - 5 - Ishy, Michael Monkhouse
1 - 1 - Otterfox, Don P Musey, Reg N
Honourable mention: Kasm

Your new subject: MUSIC (chosen by me)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 2.12.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

166! - Mr Sunshine
142 - Otterfox
133 - Cool Mikado
125 - Kasm
120 - Michael Monkhouse
117 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Timbo
70 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
55 - Scratchyr, Gerry McDonnell
39 - Alex Mahon
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - Ishy, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Stephen Birch, The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Don P Musey, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

TAKE TWAT

ROBBIE WILLIAMS drinking in a bar...

VOICE (OFF) OH MY GOD, IT'S ROBBIE WILLIAMS!

ROBBIE (looks off-stage) F**k off Barlow.

Enter GARY BARLOW crawling; he crawls up next to Robbie and smooches up his side:

GARY Robbie I think you were great in your last vid.

ROBBIE Piss off man, I gotta meet the Gallaghers for a snort.

GARY Wobbie in the lobby, dwinking is his hobby, don't make Gawy sobby...

ROBBIE What the f**k was that, your latest single?

GARY Ha ha ha ha, gosh you're so witty as well as handsome. Can I caress your new tattoo please?

ROBBIE (gets up) Look you wuss, you're embarrassing me. So just say your shit and f**k off out of it.

GARY Well Wobbie...
(sings to tune of 'Back For Good', Take That) You sussed it was time for you to give up,
That's when I cried.
Got your 'Freedom' CD beside me,
'Old Before I Die', 'Life Through A Lens' don't suck.
Oh yeah!
Saw your pictures, what emotions,
Learnt the words to 'Come Undone',
'Win Some Lose Some', then 'Millenium', 'No Regrets', wow.

MARK OWEN, JASON ORANGE and HOWARD DONALD enter on backing vocals.

GARY Whatever we said, whenever we're flids,
We didn't mean it, we just want you back for good.
Whenever we're wrong, just sing me your song and we'll croon it,
You are right, we've understood.
We want you back, you're God.

MARK 'She's The One'/'It's Only Us',
We figured out you're horny.
'Angels' was good.
'South of the Border' then 'Sexed Up' and 'Lazy Days' were glory,
So was 'Eternity'.
You cried 'Let me Entertain You', you excelled and scuppered me,
Can't you find a little tune somewhere for me.

JASON Whatever we said, whenever we're flids,
We didn't mean it, we just want you back for good.
Whenever we're wrong, just sing me your song and we'll croon it,
You are right, we've understood.
We want you back, you're God.

HOWARD And we'll sing 'Radio', 'Make Me Pure' forever,
'Advertising Space', 'Sin Sin Sin', 'Rudebox',
'Tripping', 'Feel', 'Close My Eyes',
'Lovelight' will never be covered again.

ALL Whatever we said, whenever we're flids,
We didn't mean it, we just want you back for good.
Whenever we're wrong, just sing me your song and we'll croon it,
You are right, we've understood.
We want you back, you're God.
(repeat)

GARY Oh yeah!
I wish, now it's time
That you come back, you're God.

PAUSE.

ROBBIE Boys that was the most moving scene I've ever witnessed. But f**k off anyway.

They leave in tears as BARMAN enters, surprised.

BARMAN Robbie here's the bill... And here's a paper with the sales of your last CD.

ROBBIE Oh poo. BOYS!

Rap video. One white rapper, DJ MONEYFELLOW and one black rapper, FRED X. Both hold guns and wear alot of bling (gold chains, large diamond watches, rings). DJ MONEYFELLOW wears ridiculously baggy clothes and holds a fan of money in one hand. FRED X wears a bandana and waves his gun around. There's fire in the background.

FRED X: Whoooo! Yeah. Here we go, Fred X in the house.

DJ: And this is DJ Moneyfellow, this goes out to all you fine ass bitches out there.

A tarted up woman in really tight shorts walks in front of FRED X and he looks at her arse with approval.

FRED X: Whoooo! Oh yeah, lets get it started.

FRED X and DJ (together, rapping aggressively): You put your right foot in, your left foot out!

FRED X: You do the hokey kokey and you turn around!

DJ: That's what its all about, mo'focker!

FRED X: Ha Ha.

FRED X starts shooting his gun.

FRED X: Yeah bitches!!

CUT TO: DJ and FRED being interviewed.

DJ: Some people say we're selling out but you know man we're artists and we decided to move on and--

FRED: And the record company said we needed to target a younger audience so...

CUT TO FRED and DJ in recording booth, with headphones, music is playing, they rap into a mic.

FRED: Yeah, all you bitches and hos out there.

DJ takes off headphones and looks at FRED.

DJ: Hey man, that was my line.

FRED: This is just filler man just say whatever, like 'bitch what', whatever you want.

DJ: So 'bitch what?'

FRED: Just whatever you're feeling.

Track goes back to where it was

FRED: Yeah, all you bitches and hos out there.

DJ looks apprehensively. FRED looks encouragingly at him.

DJ: Bitch what?

FRED: Ohh yeah, preach it brother.

DJ: You hos and rap music aficionados.

FRED: Awww yeah, this Fred X and DJ Moneyfellow.

DJ: Two-thousand-eleven.

FRED stops.

FRED: What was that?

DJ: I'm saying the year, you know the way rappers say the year in their songs.

FRED: You said 2011. Its 2010.

DJ: Yeah, but now it won't go outta date so fast. In a few months we'd look stupid saying 2010.

FRED: Good thinking man...but better make it 2012, that way we'll look really smart when it actually is 2012.

DJ: Right.

Music starts again.

FRED: Whoooo! This goes out to all yo bitches!

CUT TO:

Rap video of DJ MONEYFELLOW and FRED X.

DJ and FRED (Together, rapping aggressively): The Incy Wincy Spider crawled up the water spout!

DJ and FRED do the finger actions of the spider climbing. FRED mimes licking the spider vigorously yet sensually.

FRED: Down came the rain and washed the mo'f**ker out.

DJ: Out came the sun and dried up all the rain.

FRED: Now Incy Wincey Spider went up that spout again!

DJ: Oh, mo'f**kin' spiders yo.

FRED: DJ and Fred Twenty-twelve.

DJ: And twenty-thirteen.

DJ and FRED: Peace!

VOICEOVER: WELCOME BACK TO MTV - WE'VE GOT THE FIRST EVER PLAYING OF EMINEM'S NEW CHRISTMAS SINGLE. WILL IT MAKE NUMBER ONE?

FADE TO. EXT. DARK STREET WITH A LOT OF SNOW AND SHADES OF YELLOW AND ORANGE FROM STREETLAMPS. A HOODED FIGURE CAN BE SEEN WALKING TOWARDS THE CAMERA, INTO THE LIGHT.

SUBTITLES APPEAR AT THE BOTTOM THAT READ: EMINEM - Twelf day of Xmas. Ft. Rihanna, Miriah Carey, David Guetta, Mark Ronson, Elton John, Joe McElderry, Robbie Williams, Tinie Tempah, Elmo, the colour 'Blue' and a desk.

THE MUSIC BEGINS TO FADE IN. IT IS ABOUT DOUBLE THE SPEED OF THE ORIGINAL.

Eminem: Yo, hey anythin ma' Hailey wants she gets man.

Tinie Tempah: Yo, and when she's old enough ima stick ma' dick in that as quick as I can.

Eminem: HEY, HEY, HEY MAN.

THE TRACK STOPS AND SCREEN FADES OUT. MUSIC FADES BACK IN AGAIN WITH SAME SCENARIO AS BEFORE. SUBTITLES APPEAR AGAIN MINUS TINIE TEMPAH.

Eminem: Yo, anythin ma' Hailey wants she gets man.

Elton John: Hell im gay but I'd f**k her as im a huge fan.

Eminem: F**k sake dude.

TRACK STOPS ONCE MORE.

Eminem: Why is everyone saying they wanna have sex with my daughter man? She's not even legalthat's sick.

Elton: To tell you the truth Marshall.. everyone's just a bit peeved that you've come back and are doing so well.

Eminem: Huh?

Joe McElderry: He's right. I mean, look at me now - I'm doin' shit all now everyone knows I like cock.

Eminem: Well I didn't know that? And I don't get what I've done man? What ya'll jealous or summit?

Elton: While I'm a fan of your work, I think you're scum. I only helped you get off drugs for the money and I f**ked you a couple times. I am not jealous. I mean, you said you'd QUIT man. You said you weren't coming back then you went and did that album all about your recovery? You spent all your cash on crack and now you need more.

Eminem: I'm a changed man, man.

Elton: Well I must reiterate that you do NOT say you've quit and then come back.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS BACKS OUT OF THE STUDIO AT THE POINT. MARK RONSON ENTERS AND STOPS WHEN HE SEES THE ARGUMENT THAT IS GOING ON. EVERYONE TURNS TO HIM.

Mark: Erm... sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Where do you want the trumpets?

Eminem: WE DONT WANT ANY FUCKING TRUMPETS.

INT. AUDITORIUM. AN ORCHESTRA ARE SEATED AND ARE GETTING READY TO PLAY. A CONDUCTOR WALKS ON, HE BOWS TO THE AUDIENCE, TURNS TO THE ORCHESTRA AND RAISES HIS ARMS. THERE IS A PUFF OF SMOKE. THE MUSICIANS HAVE TURNED INTO FROGS.

SCENE 1 - INT. DAY

WOMAN #1:
ENTERS A CUBICLE OF AN EMPTY RESTROOM, UNGIRDS HER LOINS AND SITS ON THE LOO. SHE HEARS ANOTHER SLASH-LAIDEN LASS ENTER AN ADJACENT
CUBICLE. SUDDENLY
SHE HEARS THE MOST MOURNFUL AND MOVING TUNE BEING SOFTLY WHISLED BY
HER NEIGHBOUR. SHE REMAINS STILL, FEARING THAT MAKING ANY SOUND WILL
STOP THE PERFORMANCE. THE PERFORMANCE ENDS, THE WHISTLING GENIUS
FLUSHES THE LOO AND EXITS THE CUBICLE.

WOMAN #1 RUSHES FROM HER PISS-PERCH DESPERATE TO MEET THE AMAZING BOG
WHISTLER. THE SAID SUBJECT'S AT THE SINK WASHING HER HANDS:
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but that was the most incredible
bit of whistling I've ever heard. Are you a professional?

THE WHISTLER BLUSHES WITH EMBARRASMENT:
Oh Lord, I thought the loos were empty.

WOMAN #1:
Where's your next performance? I'll move the world to hear you
whistling again.

WHISTLER:
I don't perform. In fact I find it highly embarrassing.

WOMAN #1 - INCREDULOUS:
You're blessed with a talent like that AND you keep it a secret?!!!?

WHISTLER:
It's very embarrassing.

WOMAN#1:
You could make a fortune!

WHISTLER:
Look, thanks for the compliments but I really don't want to talk about
it.

WOMAN#1:
I'm an agent for some of the world's greatest musical talents. I am
NOT going to let you walk away from this. You are SPECIAL. Believe me.
I know what I'm talking about. Let's sort out your shyness. What makes
you so frightened of being "discovered"?

WHISTLER:
It's my lips.

WOMAN #1:
They look fine to me?

WHISTLER:
Not THOSE lips.

WOMAN #1:
Eh? What are you talking about?

WHISTLER:
I, err, do it with my erm, other lips.

WOMAN #1 - ASTOUNDED:
You whistle with your flaps?!?!?!

THE WHISTLER HIDES HER FACE WITH EMBARASSMENT:
Yes.

WOMAN #1:
Holy shit, that's megastar material. Come on, I'm getting you
auditioned right now.

WHISTLER:
I can't. To do it I have to have my knickers off and I'm not going to
flash my privates just to gain a moment of stardom.

WOMAN #1:
Don't worry about that. It'll be a telephone audition. No one's going
to see anything. In fact it'll be for the best. We want to impress
them with your talent, not your twat.

SCENE 2 - A BOOKING AGENTS' OFFICE:

WOMAN #1 IS HOLDING HER MOBILE BENEATH THE WHISLTER'S SKIRT .

THE WHISLER FINISHES HER RENDITION OF KATCHATURIAN'S SABER DANCE.

WOMAN #1 BRINGS THE MOBILE UP TO HER EAR:
Well? What did you think of that?

THE REPLY IS AMPLIFIED FROM THE MOBILE:
Sounds like some c**t whistling, to me!

Don't know if this will work but my entry is a song. Click my sig and listen.

1. INT INSIDE OFFICE OF VERY POSH SOUNDING MUSIC THERAPIST JANICE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

JANICE :
Come in, come in.

A NERVOUS LOOKING MAN WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN

JANICE :
You must be Ray. Hello there, I'm Janice, the new company music therapist. Listen, would you be a dear and pick up that file for me?

SHE POINTS TO A FILE ON THE FLOOR. AS RAY BENDS TO PICK IT UP SHE PLAYS A SWANEE WHISTLE. HE SITS DOWN UNAMUSED.

JANICE (laughing):
Just a bit of an icebreaker. (beat) Sorry dear, what did you say?

RAY:
I didn't say anything.

JANICE (writing in her notepad):
Good good, that's just what I expected. Now how can I help you today?

RAY:
My line manager is worried I'm not performing. He thinks that maybe I've got problems dealing with customers.

JANICE:
Interesting. I'd like to put this in a bit of perspective. Can I tell you about a dream I have regularly?

RAY:
I guess so.

JANICE:
It's always the same. I'm a world famous cellist. Like Jacqueline Du Pre. It's my big night at the Royal Festival Hall. The curtains open, but instead of the audience watching me master my Stradivarius, I'm on the floor having sex with some bagpipes.

RAY:
Pardon?

JANICE (shaking her head):
The worse bit is the dreadful honking sound echoing around the hall.

RAY:
I don't really see the relevance.

JANICE:
We all have problems dear. We just have to work out ways of coping. I try to avoid eating shortbread for supper for instance. But please, don't let my silly dream get in the way. What do you think is going wrong?

RAY:
I suppose I'm stressed out dealing with irate customers all the time. Most of them are just so rude and aggressive. It gets you down.

JANICE:
Fascinating. Perhaps this will help.

SHE PRESSES PLAY ON A TAPE RECORDER. THE MUSIC FOR 'DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY' STARTS

JANICE:
Better?

RAY:
No

JANICE (writing in her notebook, the book is upside down):
It's worse than I first thought. I can see I've got my work cut out with you.

SHE STANDS UP AND STARTS LOOKING THROUGH SOME BOXES SHE'S GOT ON SHELVES NEAR THE DESK. AS SHE'S DOING SO SHE'S SINGING CRAZY BY PATSY CLINE. RAY LOOKS ANNOYED HEARING THIS.

JANICE:
Ah here we go dear. I think I may have a melody for your malady.

JANICE PULLS OUT A PENNY WHISTLE

JANICE:
Next time you're feeling stressed, count to three, take out this bad boy and give it a good, firm toot. Music can soothe even the most troubled soul Ray.

FADE

2. INT OFFICE. BOSS IS TALKING TO A COLLEAGUE

BOSS1:
I think Ray has really turned a corner since speaking with Janice.

BOSS2:
He certainly seems loads happier. And you reckoned hiring her was a waste of time.

3. INT OFFICE. AT RAY'S DESK. RAY IS HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM HIS EAR. WE HEAR MUFFLED SHOUTING COMING FROM THE PHONE. RAY WINCES, CLOSES HIS EYES AND COUNTS TO THREE. THEN HE PICKS UP THE PENNY WHISTLE AND BLOWS IT DOWN THE PHONE AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE. A SCREAM IS HEARD FROM THE OTHER END. HE LOOKS ACROSS THE OFFICE TO JANICE WHO'S SMILING AT HIM CLAPPING AND MOUTHING BRAVO, BRAVO.

INT. NIGHT. ROCK PROFILES SHOW. PRESENTER INTERVIEWS A ROCK BAND. THEY ALL HAVE CANS OF BEER ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF THEM.....

PRESENTER:
Tonight is the first time in many nights that I have the honour the present to you a band named by Rolling Stone magazine as 'The most average band of the 70's' and 'The most moustached band of the 80's'.

I'll start with the lead singer Maximus Fink. Maximus, how did it all begin?

MAX:
Well we started off playing at small venues, playgrounds, treehouses places like that. Then we moved on to bigger things like Community Centres. The name for the band...am..the ah....

GUITARIST:
Thundervision and the Calf of Tomorrow.

MAX:
Thundervision and the Calf of Tomorrow it's..

PRESENTER:
Yes that is something that perks a lot of interest. What kind of outlandish mindset were you in to come up with a name like that?

MAX:
Well it's to be taken literally.....that is what actually happened.

PRESENTER:
But how does -

MAX:
By the time our first album,'End of the Road' came out we had already got caught up in the Rock & Roll lifestyle and at this point I was on two shandy's a night, sometimes three. Obviously we could'nt keep this up and we were getting homesick. We were still gigging at home and we were sick of it.

We had released our first two albums at this point and we could tell we were rising stars.

PRESENTER:
But neither of them entered the top 100.

MAX:
Yeah but to get our vibe man you need to buy the album don't ya. It's a train of consciousness thing.

PRESENTER:
Ok. Just looking at the first four songs here, they don't seem to follow any sort of continuous theme. 'The Carpenters Head Was Never Let Go', 'Otter of the Bubble', 'Clown Beside the Sanctuary' and 'The Water was Too Wet'.

MAX:
No. I mean we were all semi-conscious on a train when we wrote it. You know train of consciousness.

PRESENTER:
But if you're talking of a stream of consciousness then you need to -

MAX INTERRUPTS AGAIN. AND THIS TIME BEGINS TO GET ANGRY.

MAX:
'Stream' of consciousness?! Who mentioned a stream? We were talking about a train. You can't even remember what kind of consciousnesses I'm talking about. I think I'm....... yeah I'm going to throw one of my patented tantrums now. This interview is over!

HE SWIPES HIS CAN OFF THE TABLE AND STORMS OFF. THE REST OF THE BAND FOLLOW.

END.

In Spain it's one hour ahead. I therefore claim the right to vote.
OTTERFOX

Think I'm gonna have to go for Stephen Birch. Really enjoyed that final line.

Don P for me.

Enjoyed The joke that Stephen Birch typed out - when it was doing the rounds some four or five years ago

Don P for me I think

Ishy

Don P Musey wins it for me this week.