TWO NAZI MILITARY LEADERS ARE ALONE ON STAGE AND ARE TALKING ABOUT HITLER BEFORE A WOMAN ENTERS WITH SOME NEWS.
Himmler: Well, Goebbels I think he's nearly about to crack. You know, I've never told anyone this but I saw him talking in his office the other day using his two hands as puppets.
Goebbels: Yes, its been his dream though and its falling apart. You know they've reached Berlin by now its only a matter of time until they find us all.
Himmler: Yes, he's got us into a right mess and all he ever does is joke about it. (HITLER IMPRESSION): "Bet you vish you never came vith me now...eh boys? Vere probably gonna get our asses handed to us now"
Goebbels: I know what you mean, if we ever said anything like that to anybody he would have us shot.
Himmler: I'm telling you, Goebbels, he's cracking. Did you hear what else he said?
Goebbels: No? What?
Himmler (HITLER IMPRESSION): "How funny vould it be if ven they came in ve just blamed ze holocaust on ze Jews?"
A WOMAN ENTERS AND HIMMLER AND GOEBBELS IMMEDIATELY PRETEND TO HAVE BEEN FILING PAPERS.
Woman: Erm, the Fuhrer would like to see you both.
THE WOMAN EXITS AND HIMMLER AND GOEBBELS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND BOTH HAVE GONE RATHER PALE.
Goebbels (Panicky): He knows!
Himmler: Shut up, he can't do. The only cameras and microphones he planted are in the male lavatories.
THE TWO MAKE THEIR WAY OUT OF THE DOOR AND COME TO HITLER'S OFFICE. THE USUAL STANDARD DOOR HAS BEEN 'PIMPED OUT' WITH NEON LIGHTS AND A PICTURE OF HITLER ON THE FRONT DOING A HALF-NAKED POSE. HIMMLER GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT IS IMMEDIATELY OPENED BY HITLER HIMSELF, TAKING HIMMLER AND GOEBBELS BY SURPRISE.
Hitler: Boysssss, glad you could make it!
HITLER IS WEARING SKIN-TIGHT LEOPARD SKIN TROUSERS WITH BRACES AND HIS HAIR LOOKS SLICKER THAN USUAL.
Himmler: What do you mean 'make it'?
Goebbels: My Fuhrer? If you don't mind me saying, what is all this?
HITLER STARES BLANKLY AT THE TWO OF THEM BEFORE SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE:
Hitler: COME IN YOU SWINES.
THE TWO OF THEM JUMP AND MAKE THEIR WAY QUICKLY INTO THE OFFICE. FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE IT IS NOW NOTICABLE THAT HITLER HAS A HANDGUN SITTING ON HIS DESK.
Himmler: My Fuhrer, is this a meeting regarding the secret mission 'Blow-mein-load'?
Hitler: Yes, I see you both received ze telegrams.
HITLER PULLS A WEIRD HALF-SMILE AND THEN OFFERS THEM BOTH A SEAT.
Hitler: Right. This meeting is about operation 'Blow-mein-load.' As you all know Nazi Germany is slowly being taken over by zee allies. Zerefore I vould like to propose zat ve try somezing zat has been on mein to-do liszt for a vile now.
Himmler/Geobbels: Yes mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: Right let's get to it zen. Himmler, if you vould be so kind as to pass me zat box of live grenadens.
HIMMLER CAUTIOUSLY HANDS OVER A SMALL BOX AND HITLER REVEALS THAT INSIDE THERE ARE 6 MEDIUM-SIZED GRENADES.
Hitler: Right. There is no easy vay to say zis but ve are going to have a little experiment. You have all heard of 'fetishes' I presume?
Himmler: I beg your pardon?
Hitler: Well. Himmler you tell me somezing. If I vere to pull zis pin out of zee grenaden, and take pressure off of the lever, how many seconds vould I get before zee ka-boom?
Himmler: Precisely 7 mein Fuhrer. But you are not going to pull it?
Hitler: Vell. Mein proposition to you today is zat vun of you takes zis particular grenaden... pulls zee pin out...
HIMMLER LOOKS AT GOEBBELS AND THEY EXCHANGE A LOOK OF DISBELIEF AND FEAR.
Hitler: ...and zen I vill be over here and it is your job, Goebbels, to schtick zat grenaden into mein auschwitz.
Geobbels: ...In your bum, Fuhrer?
Hitler: Yes. And it is mein challenge to try and clench the lever vith my rectum muscles. Zee intensity of knowing I have a time limit before a certain death vill make me reach a climax unknown to mankind.
GEOBBELS EYES DART TOWARDS THE DOOR.
Hitler: Its locked.
GEOBBELS NOW HAS A LOOK OF EXTREME FEAR ON HIS FACE.
Geobbels: Zis is proposterous.
GOEBBELS MAKES A MOVE TO STAND AND HITLER'S HAND HOVERS OVER THE HANDGUN THAT IS ON THE DESK. GOEBBELS IS SUDDENLY STILL AND SITS RELUCTANTLY BACK DOWN.
Himmler: Mein Fuhrer, where vill I be in all of zis?
Hitler: Oh, sorry I did not explain myself. You are next.
Himmler: WHAT?
Hitler: Vee vill not be stopping zis until one of us is eliminated. And zee vinner vill get...
HITLER LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM QUICKLY
Hitler: ...zis pin! Now. I think some music is in order... You know vat vill make us feel REALLY naughty?
Himmler: My Fuhrer?
HITLER GETS OUT AN OLD DUSTY RECORD AND SETS IT UP. THE BRITISH NATIONAL ANTHEM BEGINS TO PLAY.