Sticky Bandits

EXT: STREET. DAY

Van in street saying CIA. JOHNNY approaches and speaks to CIA man through window in the back of the van. The CIA man is wearing aviators and a cap saying CIA and a white overcoat.

JOHNNY
Hi.

CIA MAN
How are you sir.

JOHNNY
Busy?

CIA MAN
Oh yes, busy with secret CIA business.

JOHNNY
Well make sure you have something to eat. I like a feast, my wife is partial to a brunch.

CIA MAN lowers head to look over his sunglasses at MAN

CIA MAN
I see, sir. Say no more.

CIA MAN turns and discretely takes two ice-creams.

JOHNNY
Actually, I'm more partial to a mint feast.

CIA MAN
No problem sir.

CIA MAN changes ice-creams and discretely hands them to MAN who discretely hands over money.

MAN walks away.

INT: BOARD ROOM. DAY.

Zoom out to show footage in scene 1 to be on a television. Men in suits, sit around watching it. BOSS is standing up beside the television.

BOSS
This is unacceptable. See ho easy it was for one of our undercover operatives to get ice-cream. This is unacceptable. If we can't cut out the use of ice-cream, we'll be a laughing stock.

PATRICK
But...I mean, is it really that big a deal.

Everyone looks at PATRICK, shocked and incredulous.

BOSS
Excuse me?

PATRICK
I mean people like ice-cream, can't we just let them have it.

BOSS
People like wearing women's tights and performing auto-erotic asphyxiation but do you think I'd let them get away with that?

Other men exchange worried glances.

BOSS points to PATRICK

BOSS
You know, people like you sicken me, happy to let people spend their time sucking away, freezing their brains off. Why don't you try telling Johnson that its no big deal, eh? Ask him what it did to his family?

PATRICK
Well...what happened to--

Everyone looks around at JOHNSON

JOHNSON
(speaking slowly and intensely)
It was 6 months ago now. I got home from work. I was a bit late, you know how it is. I'd been working so God damn hard on that Mr.Freeze case. I came in to sit down to dinner with my family, but they'd already eaten. My wife wasn't happy that I'd been spending so much time at work, neglecting the family, and she was right you know, but we got in a fight about it. So I went up to see little Charlie (becoming tearful). You know how I love that little guy, he can always put a smile back on my face. I went into his room and he, he was--(sobs)

BOSS
Its okay Johnson, you don't have to say it.

JOHNSON
No, he, he was half way through a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder (sobs).

Sharp intakes of breath from others in the room.

SAM
Sweet Jesus.

Johnson
I was just so caught up in my work that I hadn't even noticed the signs before, the sticks, the wrappers, the wild mood swings. Anyway, he had gone pretty far. He was brain-freezing, pretty bad, the doctors did what they could but (sobs), no matter what they say, he's not the same boy anymore.

JOHNSON hangs his head, SAM him pats him on the back and tries to console him.

BOSS
So Patrick, is this still 'not that big a deal'? Do you see know, brain-freezing destroys lives, tears families apart.

PATRICK
(sincerely)
What can we do?

BOSS
Well, our new initiative is to crack down on legal brain-freezes. These new 'freeze shops. They side-step the law by selling frozen yogurts and even more dangerously, they sell pure ice-cream.

SAM
How do they get away with that?

BOSS
They sell it in liquid form, technically as a face cream with warnings on the label not to freeze or consume. But damn it the people buying it know what they're doing.

SAM
I think my wife really uses that as face cream.

BOSS
We need to take these scumbags down. Patrick, you ready to get in there and get your hands dirty.

PATRICK
You know I am, sir.

BOSS
Great, report to my office in 10 for your brief.

BOSS leaves.

INT: BOSS' OFFICE. DAY

BOSS looks through some papers on his desk. He then goes to a hidden freezer in his desk and takes out a fat frog.

BOSS
Oh god, how I've missed you.

BOSS starts sucking on fat frog ravenously.

There's a lot of exposition in there about the dangers of ice cream. For me it might work better if you took the central tragic story and made that the sketch itself. Show the dangers of ice cream rather than telling us about them.

I liked it, but got a bit confused with the CIA beginning, and then it got a bit British. Maybe stick to doughnuts for the US cops, ice-cream for the Italians, and pie and chips for the Brits? Having said that I saw a Bobby park on a red lane and rush into a Subway at lunch today, so maybe they like deli-sandwiches?

Anyhow, Chip's right, you've got too much going on here, you could start from the boss watching the VT and get straight into the sketch.

ps.I hope a 'fat frog' is an ice-cream? I've never heard of it.

Yeah, the moving from US to British/Irish was something I worried about, but I wanted to have the CIA van as an ice-cream van as a reversal of the CIA van disguised as an ice cream/pizza/delivery van thing. From there my natural style made it more British/Irish.

A fat frog is indeed an ice pop. I was more worried about people not knowing what a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder was...I thought that was just an Irish thing, but with a name like that I couldn't resist putting it in.

Thanks for the comments guys.

Great idea but it feels a little stretched.

The idea of an undercover icecream man being hooked is great, as is the focus on quirky 80s icecram.

But it works well enough to go into the details on the side effects etc.

I think its a lovely idea and works quite well. Could probably do with a little bit of an edit but overall very enjoyable.

And I've had my fair share of fat frogs back in the day. Isnt there a fat frog drink aswell. A mixture of wkd, bacardi breezer and some other alcopop type drink....... Smirnoff ice.

Was good in bits, but yeah to many things going on. I liked this line:

SAM
I think my wife really uses that as face cream.

i think it made me laugh because the whole lot of them are being so earnest. I think you could cut out that long intro and just try to introduce the idea of the CIA taping themselves for training purposes.

Thanks for those comments. It was a few weeks ago I posted this so I'm coming to it with a clearer mind now which means its time to rewrite and as you guys suggested to tighten it up and cut out a lot of unnecessary stuff.
Thanks all.