Last night in the bunker Page 2

Well I'm going to have a go at finishing it properly:

NAZI GERMANY IS CRUMBLING BEFORE HIS EYES AND SO HITLER DECIDES TO SPEND HIS LAST NIGHT WITH HIMMLER AND GOEBBELS IN THE BUNKER TRYING THINGS WITH HIS CLOSE MILITARY LEADERS THAT COULD ONLY BE TRIED IN SOMEONE'S FINAL HOURS.

Hitler: Right. As you all know Nazi Germany is slowly being taken over by zee allies. Zerefore I vould like to propose zat ve try somezing zat has been on mein to-do liszt for a vile now.

Himmler/Geobbels: Yes mein Fuhrer.

Hitler: Right let's get to it zen. Himmler, if you vould be so kind as to pass me zat box of live grenadens.

HIMMLER CAUTIOUSLY HANDS OVER A SMALL BOX AND HITLER REVEALS THAT INSIDE THERE ARE 6 MEDIUM-SIZED GRENADES.

Hitler: Right. There is no easy vay to say zis but ve are going to have a little experiment. You have all heard of 'fetishes' I presume?

Himmler: I beg your pardon?

Hitler: Well. Himmler you tell me somezing. If I vere to pull zis pin out of zee grenaden, how many seconds vould I get before zee ka-boom?

Himmler: Precisely 7 mein Fuhrer.

Hitler: Precisely 7. Vell. Mein proposition to you today is zat vun of you takes zis particular grenaden... pulls zee pin out...

HIMMLER LOOKS AT GOEBBELS AND THEY EXCHANGE A LOOK OF DISBELIEF AND FEAR.

Hitler: ...and zen I vill be over here and it is your job, Goebbels, to schtick zat grenaden into mein auschwitz.

Geobbels: ...In your bum, Fuhrer?

Hitler: Yes. Zee intensity of knowing I have a time limit before a certain death vill make me reach a climax unknown to mankind.

GEOBBELS EYES DART TOWARDS THE DOOR.

Hitler: Its locked.

GEOBBELS NOW HAS A LOOK OF EXTREME FEAR ON HIS FACE.

Geobbels: Zis is proposterous.

Himmler: Mein Fuhrer, where vill I be in all of zis?

Hitler: Oh, sorry I did not explain myself. You are next.

Himmler: WHAT?

Hitler: Oh yes. And I have other plans for ven ve have finished the game and it is time to commit suicide... Ve have all agreed to doing this, as to spare ourselves torture from the allies.

Himmler/Goebbels: Yes, mein Fuhrer.

Hitler: Vell what I thought vould be SO funny vould be to totally confuse zem. Like make zem flabberghasted.

Himmler: How do you propose we do that?

Hitler: That's what these props are for.

HITLER THEN PLACES A BIG BOX ONTO THE TABLE AND STARTS TO UNPACK THINGS FROM IT.

Hitler: So, vat do we have here... Aha! A fluffy over-sized toy rabbit.. *Hitler chucks the rabbit to Goebbels who catches it in confusion*

Goebbels: My Fuhrer?

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This is the bit where I need help! I wanted it to be Hitler pulling out strange items so that when the allies did find the bodies in the bunker they would be like WTF were they doing?? Any ideas for random objects??

Oddly enough, I asked my mates the same question for a script I was writing a year ago.

The best item they came up with was a kazoo.

Makes a funny noise during the death rattle.

Hah yeah there is always a need for the most random item and it doesn't work when its your own! Ill have to look up what a kazoo is, thanks though!

Your original version (assuming the last few lines are re-written) is as funny a sketch as most of those shown on TV in recent times.

The second version just cuts the first in half and bolts an amusing but ill-fitting and somewhat lazy ending onto a brilliant beginning.

Thanks very much im flattered..

Yes I wouldn't know how to end it without ruining it really! Any ideas?

Quote: Juan of a Kind @ November 19 2010, 11:38 PM GMT

Thanks very much im flattered..

Yes I wouldn't know how to end it without ruining it really! Any ideas?

View original

Yes, I know exactly how to end it but the clique are baying for your blood and mine, Juan.

The ordinary members of BCG seem to like both of us but the clique and their lackeys won't leave us alone.

They'll cause more and more trouble on our threads until Aaron - purely for the sake of peace and quiet - bans us.

The clique are banking on the site management's preferring to have a quiet forum for old pals to chat on rather than a great one for comedy writers to write on.

I may even be banned before I can click 'Post Reply' at the bottom of this posting.

Please stay on topic, which happens to be Juan's sketch. Thank you.

Quote: Leevil @ November 20 2010, 12:15 AM GMT

Please stay on topic, which happens to be Juan's sketch. Thank you.

View original

Returning to topic, I'm quite happy to supply an ending to Juan's great beginning and middle and I believe the result will be a really excellent sketch but what's the point when both he and I are subjected to these relentless attacks and nothing is done to stop the sniping?

Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ November 20 2010, 12:25 AM GMT

Returning to topic... but what's the point when both he and I are subjected to these relentless attacks and nothing is done to stop the sniping?

View original

Please do stay on topic.

If you have an issue, please report it to a mod or administrator.

If a particular post concerns you please click the 'Report' button just below it. Which looks like this -

Returning to topic (again), I'll be happy to suggest what I believe to be an excellent ending for the sketch as soon as conditions appear propitious.

In the meantime, the German accents work perfectly in this script - simply because it's short and it's a comedy.

It would be a nightmare to write or to read a long script written in ANY accent.

Write it without an accent (but with suitable stage directions re accents) and let the actors sort it out, I say.

Quote: Veronica Vestibule @ November 20 2010, 1:04 AM GMT

.

Write it without an accent (but with suitable stage directions re accents) and let the actors sort it out, I say.

View original

That is good advice

I wrote a Hitler sketch that didn't show any accents, and one of the main criticism I got (from Michael Jacobs no less) was that they weren't showing the Fuhrer enough respect.

If it was ever performed & the actors decided an accent was necessary then I'd be fine with it.

And Zen I vould Kill Zem in Zeir sleep!

Quote: billwill @ November 19 2010, 1:35 AM GMT

Just a technical point, but you don't seem to know how a grenade works.

The infamous PIN, is a safety pin which holds the trigger lever against the body of the grenade.

To use it you pull out the pin, but hold the lever down yourself. When you throw the grenade, the lever is not then held and springs outwards, igniting the delay fuze. & the grenade then explodes at that set time afterwards.

View original

Hang on a mo, didn't Jerry use grenades that looked a bit like a can on a shaft of wood ? So it could work, with a bit of jiggery pokery.

I liked the, 'It's locked' line.

Quote: Mr Fancypants @ November 21 2010, 12:06 AM GMT

Hang on a mo, didn't Jerry use grenades that looked a bit like a can on a shaft of wood ? So it could work, with a bit of jiggery pokery.

I liked the, 'It's locked' line.

View original

Yes, Stick Genades, I believe. Somewhat too large for this sketch, methinks.

The British ones are usually called Mill's Bombs I think.

Because I knew about the trigger lever, I first read the sketch as the grenade plus lever were bunged up the arse, so they would not go off until the next time that the person had to go to the loo; but that time would inevitably happen of course.

A WW2 German Hand Grenade (length: 350 mm, width: 55mm)

A WW2 British Hand Grenade (height: 95 mm, width 61 mm)

Decisions, decisions.

It's a nice carved handle on that German one. I bet they were always lothed to throw it away.