NICK CLEGG AND DAVE CAMERON ARE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
DAVE ANSWERS HIS MOBILE
DAVE
I see about time too!
HANGS UP
The ransom has been paid the hostages can go free,
NICK
That's great news.
SOMEONE GIVES DAVE A SACK OF MONEY
NICK
Free at last!
NICK RUNS OFF THE STAGE.
SKIT 2
JEREMY VILE IS ADRESSING THE AUDIENCE
JEREMY READING OFF OF A CARD
Hello and welcome to the Jeremy Vile show. The show where the stupid, the drunk and the perverted meet to get polygraphed over who spawned their bastard progeny.
This morning we've got Bob and Carole. Carole thinks it's time Bob trimmed his massive,,,,eucalyptus tree. What?
BOB AND CAROLE WALK ON
JEREMY
Hang on this is the Jeremy Vile show, we deal with spotty nerks shagging their mum in laws, not bleeding eucalyptus trees.
BOB
Since the government cancelled legal aid, this is the closest we're going to get to a trial. And I shan't trim that eucalyptus tree it's on my property.
CAROLE
But it puts my begonias in the shade. Come on Jeremy make him have a polygraph.
JEREMY
I will not make him have a polygraph. Now you 2 can fight properly or you can ruddy clear off. There's jobless Netto scum who'd give their neighbours giro to get on this show.
CAROLE
Must we!
JEREMY
Yes you must or I'll call in Jillian McKeith to mock your poos. I've got her number on speed dial.
BOB
Ok. Oi Carole I f**ked your begonia bush and I'm the real daddy of your bramble hedge. I demand a DNA test,
CAROLE
You wanker! Sticking that great big eucalyptus tree in everyone's garden I ought to chop it up.
JEREMY SITS ON THE STAGE HEAD IN HIS HANDS
JEREMY
Let's see what's coming up later? My little brother's a gormless twat and nicked my job, but I got his missus up the duff. Not the Millerbands...again.
SKIT 3
DAVID HASSLEHOFF IS ROLLING AROUND DRUNK ON THE STAGE WITH A TOY CAR
HOFF
Kitt, Kitt why won't you talk to me? I'm David Hasslehoff I was in Baywatch, I sniffed Pamela Anderson's swim suit.
DAVID CAMERON WALKS ON
DAVID
Excuse me are you David Hasslehoff?
HOFF
Yes, are you the new voice of Kitt? You sound British and you speak like a queer.
DAVID
I'm not gay but I would like to f**k you
HOFF
Why you Limey fruit!
DAVID
Well can you tell me where the nearest branch of Weight Watchers is?
HOFF
What you jibber jabbering about fool?
DAVID
I had a survey of what would make Britain happy. 95% want me to f**k Hoff and diet,