Remember, remember

Rewrite of an initial idea I had turned up to 11. Felt funny at the time, bit crude maybe and a bit piss poor maybe.

1. INT INSIDE THE DESIGN OFFICES OF 'THOMPSON'S FIREWORKS' LATE EVENING. A COUPLE OF MEN ARE SITTING BY TECHNICAL DRAWING BOARDS. ONE OF THEM SPOTS MR THOMPSON THROUGH THE WINDOW.

GEOFF:
Oh shit. Heads up Bob, Thompson's on the prowl. Looks like he's been drinking again.

A FAT, BALDING MAN BURSTS INTO THE OFFICE SINGING AND DANCING CLEARLY DRUNK. HE'S GOT A GRUFF NORTHERN ACCENT.

MR THOMPSON:
Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone.

HE SPINS AROUND AND POINTS AT GEOFF

MR THOMPSON:
Come on Geoff. Hit me, surprise me. WOW ME.

GEOFF:
Hello Mr Thompson. Well, I'm in the middle of designing a new banger

MR THOMPSON:
Banger? BANGER? You've got to be joking Geoff. How can you improve on a classic? A bigger bang? An easier way to stick one up a cat's arse?

GEOFF:
No Mr Thompson

MR THOMPSON:
Shall I tell you about the first time I heard a banger go off Geoff? Can you tell me what happened?

GEOFF:
No Mr Thompson

MR THOMPSON
I was so excited I pissed myself. Am I pissing myself now Geoff?

GEOFF:
No Mr Thompson

ANGRILY HE TURNS AROUND TO BOB

MR THOMPSON:
Bob. Please. Show me the money. I don't just want to piss myself. I want to let loose both barrels in a pair of chinos. Come on.

BOB:
Well Mr Thompson, I've been working on a new rocket design.

THOMPSON TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE DRAWING AND VOMITS OVER THE BOARD

MR THOMPSON:
Jesus! Epic fail Bob. Epic fail. Take a look at this new rocket from Peterson's fireworks down the road? It's called the cockit. It's a hen night speciality and is making them a bloody fortune.

THOMPSON PULLS OUT A LARGE DILDO WITH BLUE TOUCHPAPER ON THE END. HE THEN KNOCKS BOB UNCONSCIOUS WITH IT.

MR THOMPSON:
Take it like a man Bob. Geoff, shall I show you my vision of the future? Shall I show you a design I'VE been working on? It will blow your mind.

GEOFF NODS HIS HEAD CLEARLY TERRIFIED. THOMPSON BELLOWS AND THEN TEARS OFF HIS SHIRT AND HIS PANTS. COVERING HIS NIPPLES ARE TWO CATHERINE WHEELS. HE'S GOT THE WORDS REMEMBER, REMEMBER DRAWN ON HIS CHEST AND HE'S GOT A ROCKET STICKING OUT OF HIS ARSE

MR THOMPSON:
This is it Geoff. Take a good, long f**king look. Flesh and firework combined. I'm going off Geoff. I'm lighting the blue touchpaper and I'm gonna be hi-i-igh as a kite by then.

FADE

2. EXT OUTSIDE THE FIREWORK FACTORY. AN AMBULANCE IS OUTSIDE THE FACTORY AND THOMPSON IS ON A STRETCHER BEING PUSHED TOWARDS IT. AS HE GOES PAST GEOFF HE GRABS HIS HAND

MR THOMPSON:
Maybe we should just stick with sparklers and the usual family box this year Geoff.

GEOFF NODS, SOLEMNLY PATTING MR THOMPSON'S HAND

GEOFF:
Get well soon boss.

This has a wonderfully rich comedic air to it and was obviously written by somebody on a comedy high.

In terms of entertaining fellow BCG members, it does a very good job indeed and is certainly one of the funniest sketches I've seen in Critique.

If it's to entertain the great British public on a TV sketch show, you might want to think about trimming the dialogue, combining Bob and Geoff into a single character and writing a funnier ending.

Your first line of dialogue:

GEOFF:
Oh shit. Heads up Bob, Thompson's on the prowl. Looks like he's been drinking again.

should be deleted as all the information it contains is conveyed by Thompson's entrance a few seconds later. As well as telegraphing his very funny comedy entrance, it weakens it.

I wonder how many people know all the words to 'Rocket Man'? I heard Elton sing 'burning out his fuse up here alone' at least a zillion times over 30+ years without being able to tell what words he was singing. Google eventually told me.

If I were you, I'd have Thompson sing simply 'Rocket Maa-aa-aa-a-a-an!' (a la Elton) as he enters.

The rest of Thompson's dialogue is jam-packed with character and genuine funniness. The line 'I'm gonna be hi-i-igh as a kite by then' is fine as most people will recognise it from the original song.

It's not always easy to come up with an ending for a sketch off the top of one's head but what immediately jumps into my mind is:

THOMPSON LIGHTS THE TWO CATHERINE WHEELS AS HIS ASSISTANT LIGHTS THE ARSE-HELD ROCKET

CUT TO BLACK

SFX: EXPLOSIVE WHOOSHING AND CRASHING OF MASONRY

FADE UP TO EXTERIOR OF TOWN

ZOOM TO CHURCH STEEPLE

THOMPSON IS CLINGING TO THE STEEPLE, HIS REAR END SMOKING

THOMPSON: I miss the earth so much. I miss my wife. It's lonely out in space.

ENDS.

Great sketch! Very Mitchell and Webb (in a good way).

Like it! And Lucius' suggestions are spot on.

Very funny.

I love the image of Mr Thompson spewing up on the drawing board.

A great way to express his disapproval.

Thanks for the helpful and constructive comments everyone.

I take your point Lucius about the rocket man lyrics. I did have to look them up myself on Google which perhaps should have set my alarm bells ringing

>Your first line of dialogue ... should be deleted

Yeah, good point. I guess it does telegraph his initial entrance somewhat.

cheers

This put me in mind of a Roger Mellie strip. Brash, good fun.

Ishy

I find myself repeatedly liking your writing style. Another one I like.

Ishys sketches are always to a very high standard and this is no exception. Really liked it.

Cheers folks. Nice to know I'm heading in the right direction. Well, for this sketch at least.

Made me laugh. Went on a bit too long though and I didn't really like the end. Mr Thompason is such a funny character that for him to settle for sparklers at the end is a bit tame. If anything he should love that he's on a stretcher. He should have bigger and better ambitions at the end.

Loved the Rocket Man stuff. 7/10 for me. Good job.