Better the Devil...

*Swallows hard* I`m posting this with the Merlot already poured & tissue box handy.

I hardly dare look...

Better the Devil...

INT. HELL - NIGHT

NATH, A YOUNG LAD IN BIKER GEAR WITH FACIAL INJURIES AND EAVEN, A BORED-LOOKING GOTH GIRL LEAN AGAINST A WALL IN HELL.

NATH
What`s your story babes?

EAVEN
(nonchalant)
Sold my soul on ebay.

NATH
Why?

EAVEN
As a come on.

NATH
(laughs)
Impressive!

EAVEN
Yeah. I thought so.

NATH
There are less extreme methods.

EAVEN
Maybe.

NATH EDGES CLOSER.

NATH
Well... I was thinking... How about?

THE DEVIL (V.O.)
(loud & booming)
Come on trouble! I saved you the warm side!

NATH STARTS TO TREMBLE. EAVEN LOOKS UP.

EAVEN
I got you hun. The magic word?

THE DEVIL (V.O.)
(coyly)
Please?

EAVEN LICKS HER LIPS.

EAVEN
Beg...

THE DEVIL (V.O.)
(throaty, sexy)
P-l-e-a-s-e?

THE REMAINING PART OF NATH`S JAW DROPS OPEN.

EAVEN SNAPS IT SHUT. IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

EAVEN SMILES.

EAVEN
Guess I lucked out after all then biker boy!

Hmm... I read it through a couple of times. The biker boy is a distraction although probably would help the visual. Unless I'm missing the point, I think his jaw should drop last.

Guess I looked out after all then biker boy! (Pause) Just before we cut away, his Jaw falls off.

But the sketch as a whole, I'm not too sure?

Thanks Leevil, no probs. I think his jaw should drop away at the end too

Doesn't completely work but a good idea.

Maybe we could adapt it - or you could - for part of the sitcom project.

It's more like a flashback thing from Family Guy or Scrubs.

Thanks David

It`s based on the idea of the Goth selling her soul on ebay to get the man she`s after. Dead messy, what with all that bubble wrap & brown paper!

I think I`ll play with this & take it out of its traditional setting & go for something a bit more unusual.

Sorry didn`t see this bit. I don`t mind you guys or I adapting it as part of the sitcom project.

It`s just an idea floating in cyberspace at moment

If this is a first draft, then there is plenty of room for reworking. Just have fun and don't get to stressed out by worrying if it works.

Try writing a sketch, leaving it for a day, then read it, if you still like it, post it for critique.

If you want a better success rate (Better reviews) take your time and keep practising, you're good and your characters and situations likeable, you just need to learn a few tricks to make things flow and learn how to self edit, cut things down to as small as possible, unlike my post.

Keep up the good work.

Aww thanks Leevil, much appreciated & all good advice

Yeah, I`ll keep practising & you`re right, things always seem to go better if I just let go & have fun. Weird that, but so true!

I`ll keep going, but I am going to sleep on, not with them in future (lol)