The (Real) Interview
INT. OFFICE. DAY
We see a quick shot of a closed office door, with a small sign on it that reads 'interview in progress'.
CUT TO
INT. OFFICE. INTERVIEW ROOM. DAY
A forty something, smartly dressed female (SHARON) sits at a desk, which only has a file resting upon it.
Sat opposite, is a young, unshaven male (SEAN), dressed casually in a Ben Sherman and jeans, looking unenthusiastic and picking his nose.
Interviewer:
Hi there, thanks for coming in today. Please, take a seat. Now, my name is Sharon and I'll be conducting the interview today. I am the team manager of our customer relations department. I'd first like to give you a quick rundown of my background. I have been employed by this company for ten years now. I started as an office admin assistant and have basically slept my way to the top. I do have a huge complex about my weight and I am secretly very insecure which is why I am such a total bitch. Erm, I do strive to be the head of operations soon, mainly because I was bullied at school and didn't have many friends, so this is kinda, sub-consciously my way of saying, f**k you, I made it!
Now, less about me, more about you. Can you tell me a little bit about you and your work history?
SEAN
Yeah sure, erm, my name is Sean, I'm 25 years old. I've had quite a few jobs since I left school at 17, mainly because I didn't know and still don't know what I want to do with my life. I mean, preferably speaking, I would like to be a rock star or movie star, earn lots of money and f**k lots of loose woman. But, for now, I'm happy just to settle for some crappy office job, see where it takes me.
INTERVIEWER
Good, thanks. Now, can you tell me what your last role was and why you left?
SEAN
Yeah sure. My last role was a customer relations clerk, basically the same job as this, only this role is offering more money. I can't really tell you much, because I didn't really care about the role much. Served a few customers, punched some numbers into a computer database that sort of thing, pretty boring, the usual shit!
INTERVIEWER
Excellent, thank you. Now, I've got some pointless questions to ask you which apparently determine whether you are a reasonable, rational person, or a complete f**king lunatic, and you'd have to pretty stupid to get them wrong anyway. Now, they are scenario questions, there's only three, so, I'll start with the first one.
Scenario 1.
If a customer was being abusive to you over the phone, and you knew he was right, how would you handle the query?
SEAN
Well, if I knew he was right, I'd probably make up some bullshit excuse to try and turn it around, also I would use the 'please don't swear at me or I am obliged to hang up'line, then I would hang up anyway.
INTERVIEWER
Great, thank you. Name one thing you liked and disliked about your previous role.
SEAN
Ok, one thing I did like was this really hot chick that used to sit opposite me. I often fantasized about f**king her. But it never happened obviously. However, I did wank about her a few times in the bathroom. Erm, as for dislikes, there's too many to mention. Mainly getting up in the morning for the early shift. I was generally late but just used to lie about my train being late or dog being sick. Hah, I don't even own a dog!
INTERVIEWER
Good, I must admit I've used those excuses before!
Now, last question. Name something you feel you could bring to this company, whether it be an attribute, or skill, or quality?
SEAN
Erm, I can't think of anything straight away but I can make something up?
INTERVIEWER
Go for it, it doesn't matter either way.
SEAN
Ok, well, I reckon I could bring a positive attitude, blah blah blah. I mean, yeah, I'll probably work relatively hard to begin with, but, most likely eventually get bored and slack off, until I decide to look for another job.
INTERVIEWER
Excellent, well, look, I think you did great. And to be honest, no-one else has gone for this role so I could make you wait a few days to make it look like were deciding on who to pick out of you and the imaginary other candidates but I may as well give you the news now, you've got the job.
SEAN
Good, oh well, least I've got a job now, something to pay the bills I suppose.
INTERVIEWER
Yeah I know what you mean. Do you have any questions?
SEAN
Yeah, look, how much will I get paid again?
INTERVIEWER
Not nearly enough, about 35k a year. We do offer a bonus scheme but you have to achieve an extremely unreachable KPI which can only be achieved by sucking up to me on a constant basis and working extra hours at no pay. Plus you have to be related to someone important here like a Director of Chairman, which I don't believe you are so, you probably won't get the bonus.
SEAN
Ok, sounds the usual. Erm, also, one last thing. Can you tell me what job I've applied for because I wasn't really paying attention to what the agency told me?
INTERVIEWER
Yeah understandably. Your job title will be Senior Customer Relations Expert Officer, which is just a nice fancy title for an office bitch. Erm, you'll be doing all the boring jobs that us manager's feel we're too good for like filing, photocopying etc. For the first couple of weeks it will be a breeze because you'll have someone training you before they leave, mainly because they've finally got fed up with the job themselves. However, after they've gone we will expect you to continue with no further training and make no mistakes along the way. Finally, we here at BallBreaker Bank pride ourselves on over working and underpaying our employees, kiss assing our shareholders and lying to our customers.
SEAN
Great, see you next week, if I haven't found anything better, but I most probably won't as I can't be bothered to look elsewhere!
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