Sitcom - We need opinions

This is a sitcom that me and my writing partner Daniel Ryder are making called 'PortAir'. These are the first two scenes from the first episode so it is our weakest material but nevertheless we would like some opinions. It is set in an airport with Terry and Jeff as the main characters. They are friends and members of check-in staff and Jeff has just moved in getting a job at the airport. Terry tries to act as the masculine guy and Jeff is a shy, hardworking man.

SCENE 1. INT. TERRY AND JEFF’S FLAT – DAY 1

SCENE STARTS FROM INSIDE THE FLAT LOOKING TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. TERRY WALKS IN FROM WORK LOOKING SCRUFFY AND TIRED AND PLACES HIS KEYS ON THE SIDE TABLE WHILE SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, OPENS THE FRIDGE AND GETS A BEER. HE THEN TURNS AROUND AND SEES JEFF SURPRISINGLY. TERRY DROPS HIS BEER IN SHOCK AND JEFF QUICKLY CATCHES IT.

TERRY:
(SNATCHING THE BEER FROM JEFF) BLOODY HELL!!! Who do you think you are, the Spanish Inquisition!?

JEFF:
I thought you knew I was here?

TERRY:
(HEAVILY BREATHING) Apparently not!

TERRY WALKS OVER TO THE TV AND SWITCHES IT ON. JEFF FOLLOWS. TERRY THEN SLUMPS DOWN ON THE SOFA AND IS NOW FLICKING THROUGH THE CHANNELS.

TERRY:
Crap, crap, crap. (‘CHANGING ROOMS’ COMES ON) Bugger off you… (STRUGGLING FOR AN INSULT) bugger! (TURNS ON ‘MATCH OF THE DAY’ HIGHLIGHTS)

JEFF:
(ATTEMPTING TO MAKE CONVERSATION) Isn’t there a match on tomorrow?

TERRY RESPONDS WITH A DEEP SIGH AND TURNS UP THE VOLUME ON THE TV.

JEFF:
Are you listening to me?

TERRY:
(STARING AT THE TV SCREEN) Just over there but we’re out of bog roll.

JEFF:
(LOUDLY EXHALES AND ROLLS EYES) I think I’ll go to bed.

TERRY:
It’s behind the cheese.

JEFF SIGHS AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

CUT TO TERRY DRINKING AND WATCHING THE TV. HE SUDDENLY TURNS HIS HEAD IN SEVERAL DIRECTIONS AND THEN SCRATCHES HIS BEHIND. HE GIVES A SIGH OF PLEASURE. JEFF RE-ENTERS.

JEFF:
Terry, where’s the toothpaste?

TERRY:
In the dishwasher.

JEFF:
(STARTING TO RAISE VOICE) Terry, will you just listen to me. Where’s the toothpaste?

TERRY:
(ALSO RAISING VOICE) Are you deaf? I said it’s in the dishwasher.

JEFF:
…Right…I’ll leave it ‘til the morning then.

JEFF GOES TO HIS BEDROOM. TERRY LIES ON THE SOFA AND MAKES HIMSELF COMFORTABLE AND DRIFTS OFF TO SLEEP.

THE CAMERA ZOOM’S TO THE CLOCK ON THE WALL. THE TIME IS 11.04PM. FADE OUT AND BACK IN WHERE THE CLOCK NOW DISPLAYS 7.04AM.

CAMERA ZOOMS OUT AND WE SEE TERRY ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. HE IS LYING FACE DOWN AND IS DROOLING. HE IS IN YESTERDAYS STAINED AND CREASED CLOTHES. HE IS SWEATING, UNSHAVEN, WITH SCRUFFY HAIR, AND CANS OF BEER AND CRISP PACKETS ARE SCATTERED AROUND HIM.

JEFF RUNS INTO THE LIVING ROOM IN A HURRY, DRESSED IN A NEW CRISP, IRONED UNIFORM AND LOOKS VERY SMART. HE RUNS STRAIGHT TO THE KITCHEN, OPENS THE FRIDGE, QUICKLY SWIGS A FEW MOUTHFULS OF MILK AND GRABS A BREAKFAST BAR FROM THE CUPBOARD. HE THEN IMMEDIATELY RUNS ACROSS THE FLAT, SEES TERRY STILL ASLEEP, REACHES THE DOOR, OPENS IT, GOES OUT AND CLOSES IT BEHIND HIM. NOTHING HAPPENS FOR A FEW SECONDS.

JEFF THEN RE-ENTERS THE FLAT REALISING THAT TERRY IS STILL ASLEEP.

JEFF:
(SHOUTING QUICKLY) WAKE UP TERRY!!! WE’VE GOT WORK IN HALF AN HOUR!

TERRY:
(WAKING UP LOOKING EVEN WORSE THAN YESTERDAY) Oh, alright.

TERRY LEAPS OFF THE SOFA AND WALKS STRAIGHT OUT OF THE FLAT. JEFF IS ASTOUNDED BY WHAT HAS HAPPENED. HE QUICKLY REGAINS HIMSELF AND RUNS OUT OF THE FLAT TO CATCH UP TO TERRY.

FADE TO:

SCENE 2. INT./INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL / AIRPORT BAR – DAY 1

TERRY AND JEFF WALK INTO THE AIRPORT THROUGH THE MAIN DOORS MAKING THEIR WAY ACROSS THE TERMINAL TOWARDS THE CHECK-IN DESKS.

TERRY:
I suppose you’ll want a grand tour then?

JEFF:
Yeah that’ll be gre…

TERRY:
(INTERRUPTS) Tough! Anyway here’s your workplace. (POINTS TO SOMETHING OUT OF SHOT) See you.

TERRY WALKS OFF AND JEFF QUICKLY FOLLOWS.

JEFF:
Wait there Terry, you can’t just leave me! I don’t know what to do!?

TERRY:
Just pretend and you’ll be alright.

TERRY WALKS INTO THE BAR AND JEFF IS CLOSE BY.

JEFF:
I thought you were working in the same place as me?

TERRY:
Yeah but I’ve got something to do first.

TERRY AND JEFF STOP AT THE COUNTER. NIGEL THE BARMAN JUMPS INTO THE SHOT AND SURPRISES THEM.

NIGEL:
Alright Tezza? (LOOKS AT JEFF) Who’s this guy then?

TERRY:
Who…oh him, that’s Jeff.

NIGEL:
Ah, the new lad! (LOOKS AT JEFF AGAIN) You putting a bet on then?

JEFF:
A bet? What bet?

TERRY:
Leave him Nige. I don’t think he’s the gambling type.

NIGEL GOES UNDER THE BAR AND REAPPEARS WITH A SMALL BLACKBOARD WITH BETTING ODDS FOR THE UPCOMING EUROPEAN CUP FOOTBALL MATCH THAT READS – “ENGLAND AT 5-1” AND “FOREIGN TEAM AT 20-1”.

NIGEL:
(LAS VEGAS STYLE) Place your bets gentlemen.

JEFF:
Ah, this is for the match later today.

TERRY:
(GETTING MONEY OUT OF HIS POCKET AND SLAMMING IN ON THE COUNTER) Two hundred quid on the foreign team!

JEFF:
(TURNING TO TERRY IN ASTONISHMENT) WHAT!? You support the foreign team over us!?

TERRY:
(IN A PROFESSIONAL TONE OF VOICE) Methods of a gambler Jeff. England’s playing away, the striker’s been suspended and the captain has just returned from an ankle injury! How could they possibly win?

NIGEL PICKS UP THE COIN AND HE PLACES IT IN A CASH BOX AND AGAIN LOOKS TOWARDS JEFF.

NIGEL:
You in?

JEFF:
I don’t think I’ve got any money on me.

JEFF STARTS SEARCHING HIS POCKETS.

TERRY:
(LOOKING TOWARDS NIGEL) From first glances Nige, Jeff appears to have gambling potential but from a closer inspection you’d realise…he just doesn’t. No way would he take this kind of risk when he could be spending the money on a library fine.

JEFF FINDS A ONE POUND COIN AND PLACES IT ON THE COUNTER. HE SLOWLY PUSHES IT ACROSS WITH HIS FINGER.

JEFF:
One pound on England please!

TERRY TURNS TO JEFF LOOKING BEWILDERED AND NIGEL LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AS HE PUTS THE COIN AWAY WITH THE REST OF THE MONEY.

NIGEL:
Well lads, I’ll have to ask you to leave, we’ve got some football fans coming in any minute to get the plane to the match.

TERRY:
So no peace today then?

TERRY WALKS OUT OF SHOT AND CRASHES INTO SOMETHING.

TERRY:
PISS OFF YOU TOSSER!!!

JEFF AND NIGEL THEN LOOK IN THE DIRECTION WHERE TERRY LEFT AND THEY BOTH SHRUG.

FADE TO:

It's got potential, but I think it needs more of a set up... who are these guys? We don't get much of a clue as to their relationship, and the new job seems to just appear from nowhere. I'd suggest more of a proper conversation between them at the start... the daft banter can come later when your audience knows enough about them to appreciate it.

Hmm. To be honest I'd say it needs work. The premise, set in an airport good be a could area to explore. But at the minute the script lacks, laughs really, it hasn't got any jokes, just slight 'matey' banter.

And in my opinion for what ever it's worth I'd avoid lines like this - "Bugger off you… (STRUGGLING FOR AN INSULT) bugger!"...because that just looks like you couldn't think of a better line or insult or anything funny, so just opted for the 'awkward talk' stuff.

It does have potential though, as I said with the set up and you seem to have set up the plot with the football bet early on which is good, I just think you just need to work adding more humour to it.

Keep at it

I think it lacks jokes and general humour. I'm not really sure if there guys love or hate each other, nor do i know how the job sprung on. On the upside, an original situation, and very much a foundation to what could be good. As it is the first two scenes in the first episode, i don't expect a lot of character building, so i'd like to think it goes beyond a "blokey-bloke and shy-guy" couple.

Hi Sean

I think the characters need a bit of work, but they do have different 'voices' which is good.

As said above, lacks a bit of humour in the situation. I think as long as your situation is already funny (as a story) without the need for dialogue you're in a strong position to continue. Unfortunately, you get to scene three (or four really, as the first scene is two scenes) and I'm still not sure of the plot of this episode. (I'm assuming it's based around 'tonight's football match' and the fans in the airport?)

Cut the banter and have more jokes. I don't want my comedy to be mates bantering and unfortunately a lot of first-time writers seem to think I do. The dialogue is based around the situation and your characters in that situation.

Personally, I think you are better cutting the first scene as it doesn't add anything. Hit the ground running from:

FADE OUT AND BACK IN WHERE THE CLOCK NOW DISPLAYS 7.04AM.

as the pace is at a max. The viewer is kept interested with the speed of the scene and will want to know what happens next. First scene didn't make me interested in the characters.

I think Terry shouldn't be quite as aggressive to Jeff. Passive agressive would be better. For instance:

TERRY:
I suppose you’ll want a grand tour then?

JEFF:
Yeah that’ll be gre…

TERRY:
(INTERRUPTS) Tough! Anyway here’s your workplace. (POINTS TO SOMETHING OUT OF SHOT) See you.

I think could be:

TERRY:
I suppose you’ll want a grand tour then?

JEFF:
Yeah that’ll be great

TERRY:
Here’s your workplace. (POINTS TO SOMETHING OUT OF SHOT) See you.

I'd avoid trying to show who your characters are explicitly and trying to introduce them. Just send them falling into the story in their merry little way. Their character should come out in the way they react with the situation and each other. If they don't, then you need to go back and re-establish the characters before trying to write a story.

BTW, don't worry too much about the one-liners and the dialogue. They're the last layer of the story and should be put on as 'the icing on the cake'. As long as your plot is sound with a beginning middle and conclusion with a couple of unexpected twists in the middle, you can work on dialogue on top of those foundations till you're blue in the face and it shouldn't change the story.

The two pinned threads at the top of this board are really worth a read for the discussions that follow re: characters/plot etc. It's worth the investment for a lot of opinions.

Hope this is helpful

Dan