INT: A Music Studio - NIGHT
ANDY, DAVE and KEV from TINSEL GLITZ are rehearsing their new number DOLLYBIRD NURSES when the door flies open and JIM enters, excited.
JIM
Lads, lads. Stop what you're doing and listen to me.
The lads roll their eyes at each other and put down their instruments.
JIM
Right, Dave - I know you've written a number one and Andy you've had a number two -
ANDY
It was that Balti -
JIM
Farmyard Love and Dogging Tonight were great but I've got a fantastic idea for a new song. I've even thought of the video.
KEV
But Jim, we all agreed you weren't allowed to contribute to our song-writing after you suggested 'Legs up to her minge'.
JIM
Just hear me out lads.
The other Band members nod their heads and JIM holds his hands up dramatically.
JIM
'The Final Conundrum'.
JIM smiles, his eyes wide as he scans the others for their reaction.
JIM (CONT'D)
So, you've got Andy tied to the big hand of a giant blue clock that's counting down to a guitar riff of the Countdown Theme tune. Carol Vorderman and Rachel Riley burst out of two small
boxes, one labelled 'Consonant' the other labelled 'Vowel'.
They've got hardly a stitch on. Carol is wearing a leather thong with a massive strap-on fastened to her crotch and she's got a peep-hole bra with tassles on the end. Rachel has cut-away denim shorts which hug her fantastic arse and a gingham shirt tied in a not underneath her titties. Oh, and her hair is in bunches coz she's a right tease.
The lads just stare.
JIM (CONT'D)
Anyway. There's a kiddies paddling pool filled with jelly and they're going at each other with those big cotton bud type things you see on Gladiators. They're wrestling and everything. Then, when the clock reaches thirty seconds the conundrum turns over and it spells -
JIM holds up a placard with the letters: LETSLEZPU
JIM (CONT'D)
At the same time they both stop fighting, stare in confusion, then just as the clock reaches thirty seconds they press a buzzer and shout 'Let's Lez Up!'
KEV
And then what happens?
JIM
Then they lez up.
ANDY
You're unbelievable!
DAVE
That is SO wrong!
KEV
(hand in pocket, shifting uncomfortably)
I'm off for a wank.
END
