Volunteers

A MAN MUGGER IS MUGGING A WOMAN

MUGGER
Give us your wallet or you're gonna get hurt!

WOMAN
Ok take it.

MUGGER WALKS OFF WOMAN PULLS PHONE FROM HER BRA WHERE SHE WAS HIDING IT.
AND DIALS

MUGGER STOPS AND ANSWERS HIS PHONE

WOMAN
Hello police I've just been mugged!

MUGGER
This is the police, please calm down and tell me what happened.

WOMAN SEEING IT'S THE MUGGER

WOMAN
You mugged me you robber knobber! I want the police!

MUGGER
I am the police. I'm a volunteer police officer, now could you describe your robber?

MUGGER PUTS ON A POLICE HELMET

WOMAN
He was your height, eye colour yours, ethnic profile what ever you are.

MUGGER
Handsome devil eh.

WOMAN
That's it I'm hanging up and calling the police complaints comission,

SHE HANGS UP HER PHNE AND REDIALS
A PHONE IN THE OTHER SIDE OF HER BRA GOES OFF SHE ANSWERS IT(THE FOLLOWING IS A CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF ON 2 MOBILES)

WOMAN
Hello is that the police complaints commission
Yes it is, this is a volunteer commissioner.
I've been mugged by a police officer.
A police officer how disgusting off to jail with him!

WOMAN HANGS UP BOTH PHONES

WOMAN
You're nicked!

MUGGER
It's a fair cop you've got me banged to rights. Now where's the nearest jail?

SHE FLICKS THROUGH A BOOK.

WOMAN
It's my spare room. Why did I volunteer my house?

MUGGER
Cushty what times breakfast?

A splendidly surreal satire on a modern society where multi-tasking in the world of employment is commonplace and where increasingly few citizens are reliably good or reliably bad.

I liked it, nice funny rug pulls all along the way

Thanks nice to see a simple idea working well

It needs a tidy up Soots, but it's a good idea and reminds me of my own paranoia when I use my mobile, work and personal blackberrys, laptop, DS, ipod etc on the Underground I'm always worried some thug is planning on mugging me for all my technology.

I like the idea of her fancying the mugger, trying to get him back to hers.

ps. Maybe change 'book' to iPad?

Thought I'd bump this cos I forgot I wrote it

Quote: sootyj @ 8th November 2013, 6:52 PM GMT

Thought I'd bump this cos I forgot I wrote it

View original

I wish you'd let us forget.

*Booyah's self

It was a nice one.

Great concept. Good jokes. Could be a great sketch. However:

- Taking the phone out of the bra. I'm all for cramming jokes in, but taking a phone out of a bra isn't funny. It does nothing but mess with the reality of the sketch. Keep to the concept.

- Sort out the description. If I were a producer or a script editor and I read the first line "A MAN MUGGER IS MUGGING A WOMAN" I'd presume right then and there that the person I'm dealing with can't write and maybe I'd stop reading.

- The dialogue isn't naturalist enough. I know it's a sketch rather than drama, but dialogue has to flow.

- Maybe for the punch-line the Mugger tries to find out what he can steal from the Woman's house.

I actually find it less funny because they can see each other and I like the idea they're somehow more clueless than that. I think what I mean is: I like the idea the mugger is as serious about his volunteer policeman job as his mugging pastime and when he answers the phone he doesn't realise she's calling about him until she says exactly what's been stolen perhaps?

Then she puts him on hold and he waits calmly while she calls the police commissioner and answers her own phone etc....then takes him back to her flat where it turns out he's a volunteer prison guard...you could keep it going forever.

Don't know why I don't think it's funny if they can see each other. I don't like the whole 'hey, you're not the police, you just mugged me'. I'd prefer it if both characters were a little more entrenched in the surrealism rather than being aware of it....if that makes sense?

By the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with her pulling a phone out of her bra, because for some reason that seems believable to me. But if you want it more realistic just stick it in her back pocket.
________________________________________________________________________________

EDIT: Actually....just forget the phones. She screams 'police', he turns round and says 'yes?' and go from there.

Also, his house should be the jail, and he is the volunteer prison guard. She should in some way 'pervert the course of justice' or something, so she lands in the jail and has to give up her possessions (i.e. her bag).

That's what I would do.

Thanks for that delightfully random feedback helpful
I write it for new s revue so would have been done on stage it seemed to fit better with them pacy and zipping the dialogue side by side

As for the bra

There's not enough ironic bras in comedy these days