SOOTYJ SITS AROUND BEFORE A BONFIRE WITH A LARGE LEATHER BOUND BOOK IN THE SHADOWS ARE THE SHAPES OF WHAT MAYBE CHILDREN.
SOOTYJ
Are you sitting comfortably?
OOV LOUD GRUMBLING IN WHAT SOUNDS LIKE SPANISH
SOOTYJ
I beg your pardon?
A HAND APPEARS FROM THE EDGE OF VISION WITH A SMALL CARD, SOOTYJ READS THE CARD
SOOTYJ
We can't afford kids. These are bad tempered, non unionized Chilean midgets. Oh dear.
HAND REAPPEARS
SOOTYJ (READING)
Get on with it.
OOV GRUMBLING GET LOUDER.
SOOTYJ
How rude! My uncle was a saint and he loved donkeys and in the nice way! Tonight's beautiful story for ugly Chilean non unionized midgets is; Status Update Dead!
SCENE2
FRANK IS SHOWING OFF HIS NEW MOBILE PHONE AT HIS OFFICE TO TAMSIN AND TOM
FRANK
Tcch touch screen is so last week. This phone updates my status on all my social networks without needing to type.
TAMSIN
So how does that work?
FRANK
I don't know it doesn't seem to have a screen. The blue tooth picks up brain waves I think?
TOM
You've been conned some one sold you a pebble mate.
FRANK SHOWS THE PHONE OFF IT DOES APPEAR TO BE A PERFECTLY SMOOTH BLACK PEBBLE.
FRANK
Ow! It pricked my finger.
A THIN TRAIL OF BLOOD SLIDES DOWN THE SCREEN.
TAMSIN'S PHONE RINGS SHE READS THE SCREEN
Tamsin has a fat arse but I can stay at her boobies all day. You sexist prick!
FRANK
I didn't type that.
TOM PUNCHES FRANK
FRANK
Ow what was that for?
TOM
You just tweeted that you took a shit in my waste paper bin at the Xmas party. Crikey it's the boss!
THE BOSS APPEARS HOLDING HIS PHONE HE IS RED FACED AND UNAMUSED
SCENE3
FRANK IS LEAVING THE OFFICE WITH ALL HIS OFFICE STUFF IN A CARDBOARD BOX
HE PASSES A CURRYS HE LOOKS AT THE TV SCREENS WHICH ARE SHOWING SKY NEWS
THE TEXT TICKER UNDERNEATH READS
"I wrecked the Blue Peter Garden, I have a small cock, I wrote Valerie Singleton an obscene letter."
FRANK DROPS HIS HEAD INTO HIS HANDS
FRANK
Oh God no why is this happening to me?
SCENE4
TOM AND TAMSIN ARE LOOKING AT THEIR PHONES
TOM
Oh look that arse Frank has updated his status. (READING) At suicide bridge, goodbye cruel world!
TAMSIN
Oh no the poor guy. Hang on it can't be so bad he's just tweeted. (READING) Ouch stop sticking that trident up my bum..eek is that a flaming lake of diarrhea?
SCENE5
SOOTYJ IS SITTING IN AN ABANDONED MINE CAVE LOOKING BEATEN UP
THE FENIX CAPSULE IS DISAPPEARING INTO THE CEILING WITH OUT.
SOOTYJ
Not again.
