SCENE: SIBERIAN PLAIN
A RUSSIAN TV PRESENTER, IVAN, IS STANDING OUTSIDE A YURT.
THERE IS EVIDENT ACTIVITY OF PEOPLE BUSILY WORKING ON THE
YURT.
IVAN: (heavy accent) Zdras-tvooy-tyeh! Hello and welcome to yurt make-overs with
me, Ivan Brevjinski.
The rules are simple. These peasant people have three hours to transform this pig sty into comfortable living quarters for local village hero, Thomos Podbinski. And all finished before he gets home!
As usual, I have interior yurt design specialist and vertical flange welding guru, Natasha Mong along with me.
NATASHA: Zdras-tvooy-tyeh.
IVAN: Natasha, what special challenges are there here with this make- over?
NATASHA: Because Thomos likes to sleep with his donkey, we've had to make special arrangements for the sleeping quarters.
IVAN: He never married?
NATASHA: No.
We've also given him a larger kitchen area with a two ring, dung- fired hob.
IVAN: State of the art!
NATASHA: Stuffed meerkat cushions and a burgundy yak skin throw to tidy up the oil drum coffee table.
IVAN: impressive.
NATASHA: So the whole area has a balance between Muskavite sophistication and Mongol practicality.
IVAN: The vodka bottle candle holders and yak foot dung scuttle.
NATASHA: Yes.
IVAN: (hurriedly) I've got to interrupt you there, Natasha. (looks at watch) we're nearly out of time.
(looks out into the distance) and here comes Thomos!
CAMERA VIEW OF MAN ON DONKEY IN THE DISTANCE.
PEASANTS AND TV CREW HIDE BEHIND ONE SIDE OF THE YURT, CROUCHING.
IVAN LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
ALL: FIVE-FOUR-THREE-TWO-ONE...
SFX: LOUD BANG FOLLOWED BY ROAR OF ROCKET ENGINE.
WE SEE IN THE DISTANCE WHAT APPEARS TO BE AN INTERCONTINENTAL BALISTIC MISSILE EMERGING FROM AN UNDERGROUND SILO.
IVAN: (to camera) Err - almost forgot, folks. Thomos is famous around here for his remarkable clothes peg carving.
Start the car, Boris.
END