Quote: Ming the Mirthless @ October 18 2010, 12:45 PM BSTSex is always funny - especially when the audience are either drunk or as thick as f**k. If they're both (and they often are) you can't fail.
Crocodiles are also always funny. Just the mention will often get a laugh (that's your springboard) and if the joke's any good at all, you're flying.
I posted the above advice to someone on a thread about preparing the first few minutes of a stand-up set.
He'd already suggested 'sex' as one topic and 'crocodiles' as another.
Later in the day (about 20 minutes ago, actually), I thought 'Why not combine sex and crocodiles?' and I came up with the following:
Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight I have two words for you. What's that, Sir? You have two words for me? That's very funny.
But seriously, I have two words for you: 'sex' and 'crocodiles'.
You see, the important thing about having sex with a crocodile is confidence. It's all about the confidence. A crocodile told me that. He must have been an important crocodile cos his name was Croc One. Yes, it's all about the confidence.
You get it, Madam? I'm so glad. Can you explain it to this lot?
No, before attempting any form of physical intimacy with a crocodile, you have to take control of the situation. No shilly-shallying. You have to show it who's boss. "Hey, you with the long face. Give me a blow-job and make it snappy!"
And, of course, when the sex is over and you're about to leave - don't just get up and walk away. That would be so impolite. So uncaring. What you do is give a warm smile, blow a tender kiss and say . . . "See you later, Crocodile".
Don't say 'alligator'! They get really pissed off if you call them alligators!
