Christmas sketch

I need to get some material ready for a Christmas show. This is an idea and material from a sketch written by one of the actors. I completely restructured it, rewrote the thing and added some of my own bits. It's intended as part of a Christmas themed live sketch show.

THE SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE

GRAMS: BBC NEWS-TYPE THEME MUSIC

PRESENTER: We interrupt this show for a special report from Daniella Parsnip who is coming to us live from Muswell Hill with some breaking news.

PARSNIP: Tense scenes here in Muswell Hill tonight as residents are evacuated from their homes after local man, Jason Green, reported a suspicious package to the police. Mr Green, can you tell us what happened?

MR GREEN: Yes.

PARSNIP: (PAUSE) Will you tell us what happened?

MR GREEN: Oh. OK. My wife, Mrs Green said I had to go out of the house for a while so she could wrap my Christmas present without me seeing it. So I went to the shop to get some vanilla essence for a cake she wants to make. I'd have been just as happy with a non-vanilla flavoured cake but Nigella says that 'essence is the essence'... and she's lovely. My wife's lovely too you understand, but she doesn't like good food and is not a domestic goddess like Nigella. So obviously we needed the vanilla essence, for my wife's own self-esteem if nothing else. (STARTS DAYDREAMING ABOUT NIGELLA)

PARSNIP: But the package?

MR GREEN: (SIGH) Nigella... Sorry? Oh yes. When I got back, my wife was in the kitchen making a cup of tea and there was a suspicious-looking package under the Christmas tree. You can't be too careful these days, with all the terrorists about, so I just got everyone out of the house and phoned the police.

PARSNIP: So you were in the house when the suspicious package was left there, Mrs Green?

MRS GREEN: Yes. I don't know how they could have got in and out without me hearing them. I mean, I'd only just been in there wrapping my husband's Christmas present. If I hadn't decided to make a cup of tea, I might have still been in the room when whoever it was left the package there. It doesn't bear thinking about.

PARSNIP: Why do you think you might have been targeted like this? Have either of you made any enemies?

MR GREEN: Well I did get into a fight with Andy 'Rottweiler-Face' Jenkins. He might have a grudge.

PARSNIP: What was the fight about? Was it really serious enough to lead to planting a bomb in your house?

MR GREEN: Perhaps. I gave him a Chinese burn for snapping the head off my Darth Vader.

PARSNIP: Eh? When was this fight?

MR GREEN: When we were five.

MRS GREEN: And the other day I paid for something in a shop with a fiver but they gave me back change from a tenner, including the five pound note I paid them with and I didn't say anything. Not a word. Oh no! What if they realised and decided to take revenge!

PARSNIP: Well I hardly think that...(LOOKS OFFSTAGE SOMEWHERE) hang on... it looks like something is happening...yes...yes the head of the bomb squad is just exiting the house. Let's see if we can have a word with him. Excuse me!

SANDS: Inspector Sands - Bomb Squad! How cool is that?

PARSNIP: Inspector, can you tell us more about what is happening?

SANDS: We have a 5 through 9 watching the PDT on the FL, and an SRM lockdown on the inigmater. On the interior there's a BD18 through 5 by R8, but he's only been there for the last 6 minutes.

PARSNIP: What does that mean in layman's terms?

SANDS:We've confirmed that the target is Mr Green. The suspect package has a tag with his name on it. Whoever left it there obviously intended for Mr Green to find the package as it is covered in some sort of garish red and green holly-patterned material, the likes of which I've never seen in all my years of defusing bombs.

PARSNIP: Can you tell us anything about what the device is?

SANDS:Well we can't identify anything that might be a timer so we can only assume that it is booby-trapped somehow. The configuration of the device isn't one I've seen before so it's probably the work of an amateur. It's hard to tell under the covering but it almost looks like it is the same shape as some sort of bicycle.

PARSNIP: So how are you going to deal with the device?

SANDS:As the triggering mechanism might be a motion sensor, we can't risk moving it, so my men are about to perform a controlled explosion of the device.

MRS GREEN: Inspector, I know this must sound trivial at a time like this but could your men bring my husband's Christmas present out before the controlled explosion, to keep it safe?

SANDS:What does it look like?

MRS GREEN: It's a mountain bike wrapped in Christmassy wrapping paper.

MR GREEN: You got me a mountain bike? That's wonderful darling!

SANDS:I'm afraid there was nothing like that in there. The bombers must have stolen it when they left the suspect package.

MRS GREEN: Oh, the fiends!

F/X: LOUD EXPLOSION OFF

SANDS: It should be safe now. I'd better go supervise the clean-up. (HE LEAVES)

PARSNIP: It sounds like the danger is over. Let's hope they catch whoever did this. Mr and Mrs Green, what are you going to do now?

MR GREEN: All we can do is try to enjoy our Christmas as normally as possible. Otherwise the terrorists will have won.

PARSNIP: We'll bring you more on this story if there are further developments but for now, back to the show.

Firstly, I really like the idea of the present being a suspect package. Enjoyed the little aside about the spat due to the Darth Vader head etc.

What confuses me is the fact that the suspect package is the bike. The husband knows about the present but upon his return he sees a package under the tree and thinks it's a bomb.

I think it would work better if the husband didn't know that she was wrapping a present, then his alarm would make more sense. Hold back the wrapping a present stuff until later I reckon.

I did consider that but I thought it would be funnier if the audience were in on the fact that it was his Christmas present but none of the characters in the sketch realised it.

I wasn't convinced that a slow reveal would work without cluttering the sketch up to ensure there were gags while we were waiting for that reveal.

Anybody else have an opinion on that point?

You are right that slow reveal is not going to work, but you can wink at the audience and trust them to work it out. I agree with scratchyr that you do not need him knowing at the outset that she was wrapping a present; it is enough that he does not make the connection when she says that was she was doing.

Not sure about Mrs Green's suggestion as to why she has been targetted. The dishonesty seemed out of character for someone so guileless, and it is all a bit wordy.

I am not sure about the bicycle - it is perhaps a bit too draw droppingly stupid that he doesn't make the connection when that is precisely what he is expecting. You could maybe be more obvious and make it a carriage clock or something, and get enough laugh out of the ticking.

On the first read I didn't see that the inspector mentioned a bike shape, so I thought she said it was a bike because she knew it was about to be blown up, so he'd never know she only got him a pair of socks or something.
I basically very much missed the point.

But I get it now.