Fitness for work interview no. 2

SCENE: AN INTERVIEW ROOM WITH TWO OFFICIALS ADMINISTERING A TEST. A LARGE BLOKE IN DARK GLASSES ENTERS

CIVIL SERVANT #1:Good afternoon Mr. Johnson

MANNERVOUS) Hello.

CIVIL SERVANT #1:
St John-Smythe, and Fanshaw-Etherington here, fitness for work experts extraordinaire. Here to get you off the tit of the welfare state and onto your own two feet.

MANCONFUSED) Erm...right. I think.

CIVIL SERVANT #2:
That's the spirit Mr Johnson. Lets get Britain's differently-abled community back to work.

CIVIL SERVANT #1:Lazy f**kers!

CIVIL SERVANT #2:
Thank you Justin. (TO THE MAN) So, could you just explain why you think you deserve a free ride when senior civil servants are having to cut down visits to the Ivy to once or twice a week?

MAN:
Well, as I said on the form, while working as Senior Door Facilitator at Nuneaton's premier nightspot...

CIVIL SERVANT #2:That would be ?

MAN:Clunge.

CIVIL SERVANT #1:And then?

MAN:
Some punter who my team and I had recently facilitated the f**k out, came back with a four friends and a serious attitude problem.

CIVIL SERVANT #2:
SYMPATHETICALLY) Hence your current visually impared status.

MAN:My blindness, yes.

CIVIL SERVANT #1:
(MOCKING VOICE) Oooh, poor me! Give me a whacking great state hand out for me poor old ears...

MAN:Eyes!

CIVIL SERVANT #1:
Whatever. The point is your sponging days are over. You're back on the doors next week my bucko!

MAN:How am I supposed to go on the doors, when I can't see anyone?

CIVIL SERVANT #2:
(SYMPATHETICALLY) Allow us to help Mr Johnson. We have arranged for another re-designated work-dodger to work with you as a team.

CIVIL SERVANT #1:
Two of you off the register. Nice juicy bonus for us. Result.

CIVIL SERVANT #2:
Of course we are simply building a fairer society. It is much better for you...

CIVIL SERVANT #1:Malingerers.

CIVIL SERVANT #2:
(FIRMLY) Differently-abled Justin. Meet your new partner. Stephen show Mr Johnson your doorman schtick.

SF/X: DOOR OPENS AND A MOTORISED WHEELCHAIR ENTERS

STEPHEN:
IN THE VOICE OF STEPHEN HAWKING) You're in Darling, nice tits. (BEAT) You, f**k off.

CIVIL SERVANT #2:And in the event of difficult customers.

STEPHEN:
(IN THE VOICE OF STEPHEN HAWKING) It's kicking off, Kevin!

CIVIL SERVANT #2:And in the melee...

STEPHEN:
(IN THE VOICE OF STEPHEN HAWKING) Ten degrees left, one foot in front. (BEAT) Grab now. (BEAT) Got him, now twist his nuts off.

CIVIL SERVANT #2:
The perfect team. Thank you for your time gentlemen, another case amicably resolved.

SFX: JOHNSON TAPS HIS WAY OUT

CIVIL SERVANT #1:And you. F**k off Davros.

This theme may have yards of potential - however, for me, this sketch didn't measure-up.

I thought it worked better than the first, the legless lap dancer was a bit creepy. Can imagine this on radio.

Not so keen on the posh civil servants. I am not sure you ever got those sort of people anywhere but the FCO; certainly not today, and certainly not in Job Centre Plus. I guess it works as an old-fashioned comic stereotype, but it divorces the sketch from the reality you are satirising.

Quote: Stephen Birch @ October 14 2010, 9:13 AM BST

This theme may have yards of potential - however, for me, this sketch didn't measure-up.

View original

Thanks for the comment Stephen...anything in particular jar?

Quote: Timbo @ October 14 2010, 11:29 AM BST

I thought it worked better than the first, the legless lap dancer was a bit creepy. Can imagine this on radio.

Not so keen on the posh civil servants. I am not sure you ever got those sort of people anywhere but the FCO; certainly not today, and certainly not in Job Centre Plus. I guess it works as an old-fashioned comic stereotype, but it divorces the sketch from the reality you are satirising.

View original

Thanks for the comment Timbo. Very good point about the poshies distracting from the real point, I have to stop watching those repeats of 'Yes Prime Minister'. Especially true as it will be private companies doing this rather than civil servants anyhow as I understand.

In fact they began to morph a little towards a standard good cop/bad cop pairing which I actually think would be a better way to go, but it was very late by the time I spotted this so I decided just to post anyway. I may give this a re-write as I think there is potential here.

Sorry no.1 creeped you out. I was looking for an outlandish and shocking example, and may have overstepped the mark.