My first scripted scene for a sitcom. It's pretty mcuh based on experiences from my life with a few zany touches. I know its flawed and perhaps I should drop the whole manx cat thing as it doesn't really make much sense, but I just love the Steven Hawking thing it leads into. I also realise that my scripting format is very rough, but I'm new to this and willing to learn! Let me know what you think!
Gram Sitcom
Int Tessa’s Bedroom
Early morning. Bedroom has obviously been decorated by a girl. Purple colours. Cuddly toys scattered about and photos of family and friends. Picture of Keanu Reeves or some other mid to late 90’s hearththrob on the wall.
Gram is in bed on his own and looks peacefully asleep. The door opens with and in walks Tessa. She is getting ready for work. She walks over to the wardrobe and starts clunking hangers about whilst searching for her black jacket. This rouses Gram. He looks up, pulls an annoyed face and then trys getting back to sleep. Tessa walks over to her dresser table and on the way knocks a photo frame off a table. Gram is woken again and this time wraps a pillow around his head. Tessa knocks some more clutter off. Gram is now fully awake and knows he won’t get back to sleep now. He picks up an alarm clock and looks at the time. It reads 6.45. He groans and lies in the bed facing the ceiling.
Gram: (wearily) Ugghh! I just wanna sleep! Its my day off
Tessa: Well sleep then, silly! It’s really not that difficult. You just close your eyes. You always manage to do it straight after we have sex.
Gram sits up quickly.
Gram: Hey, look, I’ve told you before that at least there’s a biological reason for me doing that. My body needs to recuperate. However! I have yet to find any scientific fact why you should fall asleep the minute you sit in my Volkswagen.
Tessa: You’re absolutely mad aren’t you. I am going out with a stark raving nutcase. Why am I even stating the obvious? I knew you were mad the moment we met. Who else would introduce themselves as ‘The Tongue’.
Gram: There’s actually a lot of women back in my home town, who even now, still swoon at the mention of my name and say “Oh, you must mean The Tongue’.
Tessa: Pah. That’s baloney and you know it.
Gram: Well whatever. Back to the original point! Why do you need to be so noisy when getting ready. You barely have to put any make up on, but at that dresser just now you sounded like you were digging up the road.
Tessa: Well, sweetie. Let me give you a little piece of female wisdom. A woman who gets ready for work quietly is as strange as one of those….y’know….those cats with no tails
Gram: A Manx cat? You do know that its down to a naturally occurring spine mutation, don’t you?
Tessa: Yeah! That’s it! A woman who gets ready for work quietly is as strange as a cat with no tail. (laughs to herself)
Gram: My god! So you think that spine mutation is something funny? Sheesh. Wait. It’s all making sense now! The reason you refused to read my copy of Steven Hawking’s Brief History of Time! It’s because you’re prejudiced! You’re prejudiced against disabled people! I knew it! There had to be some chink in your armour! And I’ve penetrated it with my insightful thinking!
Tessa: No, Gram. I’m not prejudiced against the bodily impaired.
Gram: Ha Ha! The bodily impaired! I just can’t keep up with these PC terms! What’ll it be next week? ‘The Genetically Challenged’ or maybe ‘The chromosomally deficient’? I don’t know why it can’t be like the old days when you could say whatever you wanted. You could call a spade a spade and a tool a tool.
Tessa: (Fed up with Grams nonsense) Oh yes! The good old days. The days where you could say whatever you wanted unless of course you were a homosexual and then if you merely said “Hello, my lifelong friends. I enjoy sharing my bed with other men”, you would get the utter crap beat out of you and your life made a misery.
Gram knows he has no comeback and quickly turns the argument back on to his terms:
Gram: Stop changing the subject, Tess. Just explain why you didn’t read the Steven Hawking book.
Tessa: I didn’t read it because you need a degree in theoretical physics to understand that book and I merely have a degree in graphic publishing.
Gram: Well I don’t even have that. I left school at 17 with nothing but a bad case of shingles and I still managed to read it.
Tessa: I admit that you did read it, but you were then off work with a week long migraine.
Gram: Well yeah, that’s true. Even now I can’t look at a quartz watch without reaching for the paracetamol. Anyway, I’m on my days holiday and I wanted to get a decent lie in. I wanna wake up at 10.30 and get that incredible sense of wellbeing that the elderly and the unemployed get.
Tessa: (Matter of factly and to herself) So I take it you’re gonna be ratty all day now
Gram: You know how I get if I don’t get enough sleep on a holiday! I get ratty!
Tessa raises her eyebrows and shakes her head.
Gram: The whole reason I’m off today is so that I can make this Tessa day! When you come home tonight there’s going to be dinner, a film, romance and then if you’re lucky…
Gram lifts up the bed cover and stares down at what is obviously his penis. He looks over at Tessa who is cutting her nails. Gram nods at Tessa, smiles and then looks down at his penis before looking up at Tessa again and smiling with a ‘you know you want it’ look on his face.
Tessa: Eh?!
Tessa stops cutting her nails and looks at the nail scissors, holds them up to her head level and then looks at Gram and makes an exaggerated cutting gesture aimed at his genitals. Gram’s face quickly changes to a state of shock and he quickly drops the covers over his body. He runs his hands through his hair.
Gram: Alright! Alright! Chill out, Tess. Calm down and relax. We don’t want to go getting all hasty, ok?
Tessa: You’re just so selfish though sometimes. I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole Tessa Day isn’t just some big brownie points earner for yourself and nothing to do with my wellbeing.
Gram: Me? Selfish?! I’m going to spend the whole day making sure that everything is perfect for you! There’s no you in selfish.
Tessa: (confused) Does that actually make any sense? (To herself) You in selfish…. There’s no you in selfish.
Gram:Uhhhhhhh, I don’t think it does, but you get the general idea. So, as I said, I’m sacrificing a days holiday to make you feel special. Now, what more could a woman want?
Tessa: Oh I don’t know! How about a boyfriend who takes a days holiday the same time as her???!!!
Few seconds of silence
Gram: (quietly and refusing to admit he’s beat) You know, for a woman as snotty as you, I’m surprised you don’t have more sinus problems.
Tessa: (getting annoyed) Oh shut up. You just know that I’m right and you’re wrong. Couples are supposed to holiday together. Look at Rob and Louise…..
Gram: Oh Rob and Louise! Great example! And where do they always go on holiday?
Tessa: That’s irrelevant.
Gram: No, No. I think its very relevant. They go camping in South Wales, didn’t they? And we all know that the only people who go camping are sex offenders and church goers. (2 seconds silence and then Gram says to himself) I wonder if that’s where they met that priest which married them. Hmmmmmm.
Tessa: Yes it was
Gram: (knowingly) and?
Tessa: and he was there in his capacity as a scoutmaster, but that doesn’t mean anything!
Gram: Well of course it does. It’s a double whammy, coated with fact and proves my theory right.
Tessa: Oh and who’s being prejudiced now? Eh?
Gram: Pah, I’m on holiday! I don’t deserve this! I don’t want to argue right now. Why can’t you just save it for the weekend like you usually do.
Tessa raises her eyebrows at Gram and is now visibly annoyed and Gram knows this.
Gram: Anyway, Anyway! Tonight is going to be very special. First, I’m gonna make you dinner and then we can watch that new Ben Affleck film from the comfort of the front room.
Tessa’s eyes light up.
Tessa: Ben Affleck?!
Tessa swoons.
Tessa: Oh, you must mean The Tongue
Tessa chuckles to herself
Gram: (annoyed) That’s unfunny for so many reasons
Tessa chuckles again and then stops and looks a little confused.
Tessa: but the new Ben Affleck film only came out yesterday…..Oh God, its not going to another one of those dodgy bootlegs off Sumo Pete is it? We’d get more viewing pleasure from contracting conjunctivitis. You remember that Pink Floyd dvd he burnt you? Ha the sound was terrible!
Gram: No no, that was a genuine, digital surround sound copy.
Tessa: (confused) Oh…..
Gram: You’ve got no taste have you *tut tut*, but don’t worry. I swear that this bootleg will be absolutely fantastic. Just like watching the real thing. I’m gonna sort it for you.
