I wanted to have a go at the bullshit on reclassifying disability claimants. I'm not very good at satire so all feedback welcome. This is meant to be the first of a series. The tests at the end are real apparently. The mind f###ing boggles.
SCENE: AN INTERVIEW ROOM WITH TWO OFFICIALS ADMINISTERING A TEST. A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR ENTERS
CIVIL SERVANT #1:Good afternoon Ms...?
WOMAN
atterson.
CIVIL SERVANT #1:
Patterson, yes. I'm Mr. St John-Smythe, and this is Dr. Fanshaw-Etherington.
WOMAN
NERVOUS) Hello.
CIVIL SERVANT #2:
No need to be nervous Ms. Patterson, this is just to assess whether you still qualify for your disability allowance.
WOMAN:Well. My legs are still missing.
CIVIL SERVANT #1:
And under a Labour government that would, of course, have kept you on easy street for the rest of your life. (BECOMING INCREASINGLY AGITATED) But not today, sister, we've had enough of supporting freewheeling scroungers like you missy...
CIVIL SERVANT #2:
Thank you Justin. (TO THE WOMAN) So, could you just explain your circumstances again?
WOMAN:
Well, as I said on the form, I was a pole dancer, top earner at the Peppermint Pussy in Cirencester. Then I was involved in a hit and run accident. And that's when I lost my legs and my job. (VOICE BREAKS A LITTLE)
CIVIL SERVANT #2:
So you've been unable to work as a pole dancer since you lost your legs?
WOMAN:Well, yes. Having legs was always seen as a very important part of the job.
CIVIL SERVANT #1:
I put it to you Ms. So-called Patterson that you could easily continue to work in the exotic dancing field.
WOMAN:
How am I supposed to do my act? I need my legs to hang upside down, the punter's really like that. (VOICE BREAKS EVEN MORE AND SHE SOBS)
CIVIL SERVANT #2:
(SYMPATHETICALLY) Of course, my dear, we understand, but there are other opportunities.
WOMAN:What other opportunities?
CIVIL SERVANT #1:Lap dancing.
WOMAN:Lap dancing?
CIVIL SERVANT #1:
No need for legs. Just sit on his lap and wiggle. If anything, it's an advantage. More erm, direct. None of that coy dancing near the lap. This will be a proper lap dance really...
CIVIL SERVANT #2:
Justin! We do feel this could work Ms. Patterson.
WOMAN:I can't believe you're being so insensitive! How am I supposed to even get up there for a start?
CIVIL SERVANT #1:
Well, my dear, this is the really exciting bit. We can team you up with another scrounger...
CIVIL SERVANT #2:
(SYMPATHETICALLY) Re-assigned benefit mis-claimant.
CIVIL SERVANT #1:
Whatever. The point is we get some other malingerer to lift you onto the punter's laps and bingo! Two of you off the register.
WOMAN: (REALLY UPSET) I can't do this.
CIVIL SERVANT #2:
(SYMPATHETICALLY) We shall, of course do a full evaluation of your psycho-social readiness for work.
WOMAN:How?
CIVIL SERVANT #1:Can you get this pen out of your shirt pocket?
WOMAN
f course I can.
CIVIL SERVANT #1:
Very good, just one left. Can you pick up this coin from the floor?
WOMAN:It's rather difficult to reach from my wheelchair...
THERE IS A CRASH AS CS #1 TIPS HER OUT OF HER CHAIR
CIVIL SERVANT #1:Girlfriend's good to go.
