Sketch comp 11-18.10.10

Nice ones! Congratulations to... ANGIEBABY for winning and hitting my favourite number. Get handsomely rat-arsed, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - AngieBaby
2 - 5 - Stephen Birch, Otterfox, Ishy
1 - 1 - Nigel Kelly, Gerry
Honourable mention: Charley, Bushbaby, Steve Sunshine

Your new subject: TRAMPS (suggested by Stephen Goodlad)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.10.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

151!!!!! - Mr Sunshine
135 - Otterfox
133 - Cool Mikado
120 - Kasm
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
107 - Nigel Kelly
103 - Charley Rance
99 - Michael Monkhouse
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Timbo
69 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
55 - Scratchyr, Gerry McDonnell
37 - Afinkawan
33 - Alex Mahon
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Ishy, Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Stephen Birch, The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Reg N, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

Thought I'd try something a bit different this week.

1. EXT NIGHT. OUTSIDE ON A LARGE BIT OF WASTE GROUND. MOUNDS OF RUBBISH IN THE BACKGROUND AND A SMALL FIRE. TWO TRAMPS ARE WALKING ALONG ARM IN ARM. OTHER TRAMPS ARE SITTING DOWN DRINKING. THE MUSIC OF 'A COUPLE OF SWELLS' FROM EASTER PARADE STARTS PLAYING AS THEY WALK ALONG. THEY START TO MIRROR THE DANCE FROM THE FILM.

DON AND HANNAH:
We're a couple of tramps.

DON AND HANNAH:
We sleep in our cardboard camps.

DON AND HANNAH:
We'd write complaint letters to the council, but we can't afford the stamps.

DON AND HANNAH MIME WRITING A LETTER TO THE AMUSEMENT OF THE WATCHING TRAMPS

DON AND HANNAH:
We're a couple of sports.

DON AND HANNAH:
But meths sometimes clouds our thoughts.

DON AND HANNAH:
And we end up in the gutter after shitting in our shorts.

HANNAH MIMES WAFTING HER HAND IN FRONT OF HER NOSE

HANNAH:
The royal family have asked us up for tea.

DON:
But they eat swan not seagull don't you see.

DON AND HANNAH:
Yes siree.

DON AND HANNAH TURN THEIR NOSES UP AT THIS. A TRAMP NEARBY IS MUNCHING ON A SEAGULL.

HANNAH:
I would try to stop scratching if I wasn't full of lice.

HANNAH SCRATCHES HER HEAD LAUGHING

DON:
I would sell my arse for money but I wouldn't get a price.

DON BENDS OVER AND HANNAH MIMES SHAGGING HIM

DON AND HANNAH:
We'd drink Martini instead of trampagne but we haven't any ice.

THEY BOTH LINK ARMS AND DANCE

DON AND HANNAH:
So we'll sleep by our rubbish bins.

DON AND HANNAH:
Yes we'll fight by our rubbish bins.

DON AND HANNAH:
And we'll shag by our rubbish bins till we die.

OTHER TRAMPS START TO APPLAUD AND ONE IS SICK OVER HIMSELF

FADE

Tramp-lines

STREET.
A filthy smelly TRAMP lies there with his dog. A GUY passes; stops, throws him a coin. As he leaves...

TRAMP (Cockney) Eric!

GUY (stops, turns) ... Dad!

TRAMP 'Ey, didn't recognise your old Pa now! Gotta new job...

GUY Tramp? Why?

TRAMP Well ya remember me old posting - no pay, no aspirations, no respect...

GUT Oxford professor.

TRAMP Yeah well I've moved on in life. The pay's great...

GUY How?

TRAMP Thanks to lovely sweetie darlingie Rover here... (he pats the dog affectionately; it snarls and bites his hand) You see the Great British public, they couldn't give two shits about famine or war victims or political prisoners, but show 'em a mangy melancholy mutt and they cough up like a student on Friday night.

GUY But what about the hours?

TRAMP It's kinda like flexitime as a professor. Half the time yer in the gutter with no dosh and kids throwing up all over you, the rest of the time is all yours. Magic...

GUY But isn't it - well, illegal?

TRAMP Illegal? Me? Don't make me bath! You take yer average bod - work all day, suit 'n' tie etcetera etcetera, all they 'ave to do is look at a kid all funny and the police lock 'em up as one of those paedo types. Whereas me, I'm sorted. They won't drive me down the station 'cause they don't want their Panda smelling like a priest's underpants after watching 'Grange Hill', they won't charge me money 'cause I'm poorer than an Ethiopian on early closing day, and if they do bang me up I get every man's dream: free board, free dinner, free anal sex. You know how much yer average politician pays for that?

GUY Dad, you're a genius!

TRAMP That's my boy.

GUY Can I follow in your footsteps?

TRAMP Well there's dogshit in 'em.

GUY I mean - can I be like you?

TRAMP (tearful) I never thought I'd see the day... Come sit next to yer old dad.

The guy sits down. Pause...

TRAMP Easy innit?

VOICE-OVER Vote Conservative. Eradicate the housing problem.

sorry if this is a bit long I might edit it down a bit later.

LIBRARIAN 1 has his glasses on the top of his head, he is shivering in the staff room with LIBRARIAN 2 when the BOSS comes in.

boss: greeting to the new streamlined staff of the council, both of you.

Librarian 2: yeah where are the others

Boss: yeah um we unfortunately had to let them go

Librarian 1: you mean for lunch?

Boss: what?

Librarian 1: you had to let them go for lunch.

Librarian 2: no they...they were made redundant. don't you remember that really awkward leaving party we had where everyone was really mean to us because we got to keep our jobs?

Librarian 1: so you mean they had to get rid of the people who didn't work hard enough and they got rid of Stephen and Jessica, and chose me as one of the 2 people that they couldn't survive without.

Boss: in a way, yes

Librarian 1: someone messed up big time!

Boss: yes... yes we messed up big time, this isan even bigger mess up than that whole tax fiasco thing, when not everyone was taxed enough.

Librarian 1: hey I'm not that bad.

Librarian 2: did you work out what happened there?

Boss: some one put the decimal place where it shouldn't have been.

Librarian 1: it can happen to the best of us.

Boss: no it can't it only happens to you and that work experience kid down at hm revenue and customs.

Librarian 2: who let work experience people work out the tax

Boss : it wasn't one of my better ideas

Librarian 2: you can say that again

Boss: yes, so the reason I came down here is to tell you that it is council initiative to raise awareness for the many anti-poverty charitys that work in the area we are going to make the employees live like a homeless person to in October.

Librarian 1: whats this in aid of black history month, a lot of them are tramps

Librarian 2 : that is extremely rascist take that back now

Librarian 1: ok sorry.

Boss: that's a verbal warning for racism, if I have to talk to you about this again I will have to show you the door, we don't tolerate racism here unless its against the jews. God I hate them.

Librarian2: WHAT!

Boss: I was joking, calm down it was just a joke between freinds

Librarian 1: ohh I'm glad you were joking I don't want a warning.

Boss: I wasn't joking about the warning.

Librarian1: oh. Never mind the punishment of being shown the door doesn't sound that bad, I got shown all the fire exits on my first day, I don't see how a little refresher of where they are is that bad.

Librarian 2 : being shown the door is a euphemism for being sacked.

Librarian 1: shit.

Boss: lets try and forget this little incident for the time being , anyway so are you to game for the sponsored tramp-a-thon?

Librarian 2: what does it involve

Boss: y'know just acting like a tramp an that

Librarian2: so standing around the radiator in the library all day trying to keep warm would count?

Librarian 1: yeah why is it so cold in here.

Boss: we had to save money on energy bills.

Librarian 1: why have we lost out while the nhs hospitals are always really warm.

Boss : oh the circumcision clinic were going to get closed down which would have paid for our heating but apparently they have made too many cuts already

Librarian 2 laughs then there is an awkward pause for about 20 seconds

Librarian1: oh I get it ! yeah funny stuff.

The boss leaves the room

Librarian 2: you don't understand the joke do you

Librarian 1: no I just didn't want to seem dim, oh yeah I meant to ask have you seen my glasses?

Librarian 2: I would tell you but you are too racist.

Librarian1: I'm not racist, many of my friends are black.

librarian 2: ok name a black freind of yours

librarian 1: erm... well...I... there are too many to name.

librarian 2sarcastic) sure.

Preamble. Blimey, 2 days to deadline and only 3 entries. I've got to think of something, I might be in with a shout of some points.

Tramps, eh. Here's a true story, I once asked someone to guess where I was going and they said "Tramps Ball?" I kid you not.

Ok, here goes.

Three tramps sitting against a skip discussing matters.

Tarquin
I say, I hear they are firing up the jolly old LHC at Geneva this weekend.

Julian
Oh the collider? Yes I heard that. Fascinating project what?

Tarquin
Rather. Trying to find the Higgs Boson you know. Very small chappies. Damnably hard to spot

Alf
I knew him.

Tarquin
Who?

Alf
Bosun Higgs. I was on the same ship. Pissed most of the time I recall

Julian
No, he means the CERN project, looking for subatomic particles.

Alf
Twernt no submarine. Was a destroyer.

(Julian and Tarquin exchange a glance)

Tarquin
I didn't know you were in the navy Alf. See any action?

Alf
Plenty. There were a gal in Portsmouth, had the most stretchy lips. I remember her stretchy lips, she used to...

Julian
No I think he meant death and destruction Alf

Alf
I killed a dozen men

Tarquin
Really? Were you a gunner?

Alf
No. A cook.

............

INTERVENTION BY TWO EXTERNAL CHARACTERS; SPIKE MILLIGAN AND EDDIE IZZARD

EDDIE
God, who's this Reg Nelson writing this old crap

SPIKE
He was something at the BBC

Eddie
What was he?

SPIKE
A coffee table

..........

Tarquin
I say, have you eaten this week Alf?

Alf
Can't rightly remember.

Tarquin
Julian, have you any of the fois gras left?

Julian
All gone I'm afraid, old chap.

Tarquin
What about the caviar?

Julian
That too, more's the pity.

Tarquin
Have you got anything we can give Alf?

Julian
(sniffs the air)
A little more room?

Tarquin
When did you last change your clothes Alf?

Alf
1985

..............
INTERVENTION; JEREMY PAXMAN

PAXMAN
I'd like to apologise to genuine comedy writers reading this. Mr Nelson has clearly run out of ideas, and is making this rubbish up as he goes along. In fact, let's find out. Mr Nelson, are you making this rubbish up as you go along?

(Apalling author intrusion)
Reg
Well, you see...

Paxman
Are you or aren't you? It's a simple question

Reg
How I normally work...

Paxman
You're sounding pompous now. Answer the question!

Reg
(Starts crying)
Nobody loves me

INTERLUDE ENDS WHILE AUTHOR CONSULTS 'The Feeling Good Handbook'

Tarquin
Is it worth carrying on with this?

Julian
We won't exist in a few more lines

Alf
Let's ask the audience. BCG members, should we live? Should we be erased?
Please send your vote on the back of a ten pound note to the usual address.

CAMERA BACKS SLOWLY AWAY FROM THE SCENE, THEN WE SEE A SHOT OF THE SKY AS THE CAMERAMAN FALLS ONTO HIS BACK.

EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY

TWO HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE SITTING ON A PARK BENCH

TRAMP 1:
I haven't seen Tom lately, is he still cleaning car windshields at the traffic lights?

TRAMP 2:
He's not. One of the drivers got so wound up; he got out of the car, punched Tom and stole his cloth.

TRAMP 1:
That's terrible.

TRAMP 2:
Yeah, he really lost his rag.

INT. BEAUTY SALON. DAY

PAN ALONG VARIOUS PEOPLE RECEIVING BEAUTY TREATMENTS. WE STOP AT A TRAMP - HE IS HORRIBLE WITH SHIT COVERED CLOTHES AND HORRIBLE MATTED HAIR AND BEARD. HE IS GETTING A MANICURE. SOMEONE WITH SILVER STRIPS IN THEIR HAIR SITS DOWN ADJACENT. THE SILVER STRIP PERSON TURNS TO AND WE SEE THAT IT IS ALSO A TRAMP, AGAIN WITH HORRIBLE SHIT COVERED CLOTHES AND A MATTED BEARD. THE TWO TRAMP STARE WITH SURPRISE AND SHOCK AT EACH OTHER. THEY STARE FOR A FEW SECONDS, EACH EYEING UP THE OTHERS TREATMENT.

TRAMP 1:
We must never speak of this again.

TRAMP2 SLOWLY NODS IN AGREEMENT.

EXT. A.M.: GATES AT THE END OF A LONG DRIVEWAY

VERY FANCY WROUGHT IRON GATE WITH GOLDEN EMBELLISHMENTS, SILENTLY SWING OPEN.
A CHAUFFEUR-DIVEN ROLLS ROLLS THROUGH. BUSHES AT THE SIDE OF THE DRIVE PART
AND A LITHESOME YET LOATHESOME, FILTHY, TATTY AND GRUESOME TRAMP LEAPS INTO
ITS PATH, BRINGING THE ROLLLS TO A SUDDEN HALT.

WITH A GRIMY KNUCKLE THE TRAMP RAPS ON THE REAR PASSENGER WINDOW. THE WINDOW
SILENLTY OPENS.

TRAMP: Lend'us a quid gov. I'll pay yer back, honest.

GOV: Neither a borrower nor a poor man be - Shakspeare!
The window silently rises. The Rolls rolls away.

EXT. EVENING. GATES; LONG DRIVEWAY. THE ROLLS RETURNS. THE TRAMP LEAPS OUT OF
THE BUSHES CAUSING THE ROLLS TO BRAKE. THE TRAMP RAPS THE PASSENGER WINDOW
WITH THE SAME GRIMY KNUCKLE. THE WINDOW SILENTLY LOWERS. FROM THE INTERIOR
OF THE ROLLS THE 'GOV' SILENTLY GLOWERS AT THE TRAMP.

TRAMP: C**t - D.H. Lawrence.

SAMMY, A TRAMP, IS SITTING ON THE STEPS OUTSIDE GLASGOW CENTRAL STATION READING A NEWSPAPER. HE HACKS UP SOME FLEM AND SPITS ON THE SHOES OF A MAN (YOUNGISH, SUITED, SPECTACLES) WALKING PAST.

BUSINESSMAN:
(looking disgusted) You spat on my shoes.

SAMMY SPITS ON HIS OTHER SHOE.

BUSINESSMAN:
Why did you do that?

SAMMY:
Because they're spats.

TWO TRAMPS SITTING ON A BENCH.

1st TRAMP
How did you end up like this then?

2nd TRAMP
I murdered the wife.

1ST TRAMP
Gerroff!

2nd TRAMP
She left me for another bloke an' they were about to marry. Well,I wasn't having him inheriting all my wealth and property. So I strangled her.

1st TRAMP
Not done you any good, as it?

2nd TRAMP
No, the bitch had already willed it all to a refuge for the homeless.

EXT. STREET. DAY.

A TRAMP IS BEGGING ON A PAVEMENT AS PEOPLE WALK BY.

TRAMP:
Spare some change guv?

A MAN THROWS SOME LOOSE CHANGE INTO HIS CUP.

TRAMP:
Thank you kindly.... spare some change madam?

A WOMAN THROWS SOME LOOSE CHANGE INTO HIS CUP.

TRAMP:
God bless ya madam... spare some change sir?

MAN:
I would but I've no cash on me, sorry.

THE TRAMP PULLS A HAND HELD CHIP AND PIN MACHINE OUT OF HIS COAT.

TRAMP:
Just enter your four digit pin code please sir.

ALAN IS WALKING DOWN A NARROW ALLEYWAY. A MAN APPEARS IN FRONT OF HIM AS IF FROM NOWHERE.

MAN(OVERLY CHIRPY):
Hello there sir. I hope you're very very well today. Would you have a moment to talk...

ALAN:
No.

MAN:
Great. I'm wondering if you would be interested in signing up for our help the needy charity its been running since-

ALAN:
What are you doing?

MAN:
I'm one of those charity agents who try and annoy you into signing up to a charity that you have no interest in.

ALAN:
No you're not.

MAN:
Well what am I then?

ALAN:
You're clearly a tramp. Your bib is an old lagging jacket with a reflector on it and your clip board is a broken shoe.

MAN:
You're right. I'm not one of those charity fellas, I'm a mugger! Hand over all your valuables...Now!

ALAN:
No.

MAN:
Why not?

ALAN:
Cos we've already established that you are in fact a tramp and you are now using your tiny dog as a gun.

MAN:
Yes you're right. I can't do anything. I'm a useless charity worker, I'm crap at mugging. I can't even live in a house.

ALAN:
You make a great tramp.

MAN:
Aw you're very kind sir but I need more in my life than trampin'. It's a lost cause isn't it...

ALAN:
I suppose so, yeah.

MAN WALKS AWAY SOBBING. HE HOLDS THE SMALL DOG BY THE HIND LEGS IN HIS LEFT HAND. HE HOLDS HIM UP TO HIS HEAD AND PRESSES THE DOGS PENIS. A SHOT RINGS OUT AND THE TRAMP COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND.

ALAN:
Well at least you managed to kill yourself.

MAN:
(LIFTING HIS HEAD) Sorry. What did you say?

END.

QI TYPE THEME TUNE PLAYS.
WE SEE A QI TYPE STUDIO WITH THE LETTERS QS ON THE SCREEN BEHIND
ALL THE PANNELISTS ARE TRAMPS AND SO IS THE HOST ALBEIT SLIGHTLY SMARTER LOOKING THAN THE REST

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS:

HOST: CAPTION - STEPHEN POSHTRAMP
Hello Hello Hello & welcome to another edition of Quite Smelly, the quiz that deals with the Vagaries of vagrants, vagabonds & the very scruffy.
Without further ado let us meet this weeks Down & out, destitute drifters.
On my left we have Gyles & his Buzzer goes like this

BUZZER SOUND: "Glug Glug Glug - Ahhhhhh!"

HOST:
Next to him we have Sean & his buzzer goes thusly

BUZZER SOUND: "Spare any change mate!"

HOST:
Then on my right, Fresh from absolutely never, we have the delightful Jo

BUZZER SOUND "Screeeeeeech gerroff me"

HOST:
And finally our non resident bearded bozo the lovely Alan

BUZZER SOUND: "I was just having a momentary rest down here officer"

HOST: (TAKES A SWIG FROM HIS BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG)
As always round one is general flatulance, I'd like you to look at the four containers we have here & tell me which one is best suited for the housing of alcoholical Imbibations.

BUZZER: "Spare any change mate"

HOST:
Sean?

SEAN: I think I've pissed my pants!

A SIREN SOUNDS AND THE WORDS "I THINK I'VE PISSED MY PANTS" FLASH UP ON THE SCREEN BEHIND.

HOST:
Ho Ho Ho! Oh Seany Seany Sean, I'm going to have to hand it over I'm afraid.

BUZZER: "Glug Glug Glug - Aaahhh"

HOST:
Gyles, what have you got for us?

GYLES:
I've Shat meself.

A SIREN SOUNDS AND THE WORDS "I'VE SHAT MESELF" FLASH UP ON THE SCREEN BEHIND.

HOST:
Ho Ho Ho, once again you'f fallen into our little trap, a craptrap if you will.

BUZZER: "Screeeeeech Gerroff"

JO:
Is the answer Crack Cocaine?

HOST: (HAS FINGER IN HIS EAR)
I'm just getting some mouse droppings out of my ear but I think I'll have to give you that as Crack cocaine is normally the answer to most things.

BUZZER: "I Was just having a momentary rest down here officer"

HOST:
Yes Alan?

ALAN:
ComehereyabastardI'llfukkkafakkashityabastardf**ker

A SIREN SOUNDS & THE WORDS ComehereyabastardI'llfukkkafakkashityabastardf**ker COME UP ON THE SCREEN

HOST:
Oh Alany Walany Alan ho ho ho.

ALAN:
Greaaaargh

HOST:
Indeed! Well that smell means we've come to the end of this weeks episode of QS.
Many thanks go to Gyles, Sean, Jo & Alan.
But before I go I'll just leave you with this.

HE THROWS UP ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF HIM

HOST:
Goodnight!

CREDITS ROLL

V/O
Later tonight on Tramp Night here on Dave we have a special episode of Come Shout With Me, followed by How Clean Is Your Bench.
But before that stay tuned now for Sex & The Shitty.

END

EXT: PARKING LOT, NIGHT

A LARGE CROWD IS GATHERED ROUND 2 TRAMPS WHO ARE ENGAGED IN A BARE-KNUCKLE FIGHT.

TRAMP1 SHOUTS DRUNKEN OBSCENITIES THEN RUSHES TOWARDS TRAMP2 AND TACKLES HIM.

CLOSE UP: TRAMP2 LIES ON THE GROUND, HE SMILES, WE SEE PERFECT TEETH. WE REALISE HE IS A HOLLYWOOD HEART-THROB.

V/O: Robert Downey Jnr is in 'The Gutter', an Annoying Method Actors production.

My vote is for Nigel Kelly.