Awkward

Partially based on a real event, obviously not the end bit. All thoughts welcome...

A COUPLE. TIM AND JEN IN A CAFE.

TIM:
Did you hear Steve Murt has just moved back here. He got a job in the bank last week.

JEN:
Steve Murt...oh yes. Wasnt he painfully shy in school?

TIM:
Yeah he was unreal. He once crawled into a desk rather than answer a question. I used to be good friends with him but I'd say he'd find it awkward if I were to run into him now.

SCENE 2.

TIM AND JEN ARE IN A MUSIC SHOP. STEVE WALKS IN.

TIM:
Here Jen...thats him. Thats Steve.

STEVE CLOCKS THEM, STOPS IN HIS TRACKS, BACKS OUT OF THE SHOP AND HURRIEDLY WALKS DOWN THE STREET.

SCENE 3.

TIM AND JEN ARE AT A WEDDING RECEPTION AND ARE HAVING A DRINK IN THE LOBBY. STEVE WALKS IN THE REVOLVING DOOR PULLING HIS TRAVEL BAG BEHIND HIM. HE SEES TIM AND JEN AND CONTINUES AROUND THE REVOLVING DOOR UNTIL HE IS OUTSIDE AGAIN AND WALKS OFF.

SCENE 4.

TIM AND JEN ARE AT THE CLIFFS OF MOHER TAKING IN THE VIEW. THERE IS A LARGE TOUR GROUP ABOUT 20 METRES BEHIND THEM. HALF WAY BETWEEN THEM AND THE TOUR GROUP IS STEVE. HE TRIES TO WALK BACK THROUGH THE CROWD BUT CANT.

HE IS PUSHED CLOSER AND CLOSER TO TIM AND JEN. WE CAN SEE THE DESPIRATION BUILD ON HIS FACE. HE IS JUST ABOUT TO ENTER SALUTING DISTANCE WHEN HE TURNS AND CASUALLY WALKS OFF THE CLIFF.

END.

This is potentially a winning sketch.

The only proviso is that everything but the beginning and the end should be deleted.

This is what you do:

Set the first scene on the cliffs and have Tim explain to Jen that he's been told their old schoolpal Steve is booked on the sightseeing tour. Change 'crawled into a desk' to 'crawled under a desk'.

Delete Scenes 2 and 3.

In Scene 4, have the couple spot Steve and begin walking cheerfully towards him. There's no immediate reaction from Steve but as they draw closer, he turns on his heel and walks off the cliff.

And that, in my view, is worthy of any TV sketch show ever broadcast.

I liked it. It was only lacking any twist or surprise to it really but it was still very charming and quite funny.

I would leave it as it is though, I liked the build-up. Maybe you could have the situation's escalate in awkwardness until you get to the cliff ending.

Hey Ming. Thanks for your feedback. Your idea for this is more concise and definitely works but I must admit I like the obsurdity of climbing into a desk rather that the more common under desk climb.

I also think each scene builds on the rounds he will go to to avoid meeting them. From backing out of the shop to avoiding a whole wedding reception to jumping off a cliff.

Quote: Otterfox @ October 10 2010, 2:15 PM BST

Hey Ming. Thanks for your feedback. Your idea for this is more concise and definitely works but I must admit I like the obsurdity of climbing into a desk rather that the more common under desk climb.

I also think each scene builds on the rounds he will go to to avoid meeting them. From backing out of the shop to avoiding a whole wedding reception to jumping off a cliff.

View original

I have no doubt that most (and possibly all) people who critique your sketch will prefer your version.

That's why I will never win the Skit Comp.

Quote: writer for hire @ October 10 2010, 2:03 PM BST

I liked it. It was only lacking any twist or surprise to it really but it was still very charming and quite funny.

I would leave it as it is though, I liked the build-up. Maybe you could have the situation's escalate in awkwardness until you get to the cliff ending.

View original

Hey there Mr. For Hire. Thanks for your feedback. I am quite happy with the ending. It was one of the few times that I actually had the finish in my head and I just had to build up to it.

Made me do a big smile Otterfox. Ming may have a point regarding the brevity, but there's no shame in doing what you feel. I kind of thought that they could have the initial conversation whilst at the cliff which would lead into the final scene, but there is something about the build up that pleases.

I think the reason Ming's version might work less well is that the gag is a bit obvious - you are not going to set a scene on the Cliffs of Moher unless someone is going over. But sometimes in comedy the laugh is in the expectation, and the build up delivers that.

I liked the crawling into the desk line. An objection is that it ups the anti a bit early, but it is tell, and could therefore be accepted as overstatement, whereas the subsequent incidents are show, so I don't think that is a problem.

Quote: Timbo @ October 11 2010, 10:50 PM BST

I think the reason Ming's version might work less well is that the gag is a bit obvious - you are not going to set a scene on the Cliffs of Moher unless someone is going over. But sometimes in comedy the laugh is in the expectation, and the build up delivers that.

I liked the crawling into the desk line. An objection is that it ups the anti a bit early, but it is tell, and could therefore be accepted as overstatement, whereas the subsequent incidents are show, so I don't think that is a problem.

View original

The 'crawling into a desk' line so close to the beginning of the sketch, refers to an utterly impossible event and therefore establshes in the viewer a mind set in which any surreal act or huge deviation from behavioural norms might easily occur as the sketch progresses. And that's exactly what we don't want as it robs the ending of its huge impact.

As the original sketch does progress, the first scene (which sets up the ending) is followed by two expensive time-consuming scenes neither of which has a laugh in it and both of which succeed only in giving the audience ample time to guess the ending.

The man's determination to avoid meeting the pair becomes stronger with each passing scene and, as Timbo says, when the audience sees the cliff at the start of the final scene, it's game over. They've been encouraged to and allowed to guess the ending. Half of them will be the kitchen making a cup of tea while the guy's jumping.

In my suggested version, there's no need to show the cliff until a few seconds before the guy walks over it.

It's a BIG surprise to the audience and it gets a BIG laugh. It's short, it's sharp and (whether or not it's to any particular BCG member's own personal taste), it looks professional and it's broadcast quality.

And if it doesn't get a laugh, we console ourselves with the not-insignificant fact that it's only cost a fraction of what the original would cost.

However, as I always say "You can lead a writer to the brink of success but you can't stop him turning around and running away from it as fast as he can".

I'm Mingful, on this one.

I can see Mings point on this one, and Timbo's for that matter.
I enjoyed it though, and it's nice to see an Otterfox Quickie for a change.