Out of the crayons of babes

1. INT. TWO COUPLES SITTING DOWN DRINKING TEA AND CHATTING. ONE OF THE COUPLES HAS A YOUNG DAUGHTER WHO IS SCRIBBLING ON A LITTLE TABLE NEARBY.

COUPLE 1 FEMALE:
What are you drawing darling?

CHILD:
Daddy picture.

COUPLE 2 FEMALE:
Ahhh how lovely.

COUPLE 1 MALE:
Can I have a look? Just want to make sure you've only drawn one of my chins.

EVERYONE LAUGHS POLITELY. HIS FACE DROPS WHEN HE PICKS UP THE PAPER TO SEE AN INTRICATE, PHOTOGRAPHIC QUALITY DRAWING OF COUPLE 2 MALE, WITH A MASSIVE GRIN ON HIS FACE HOLDING HIS THUMBS UP.

The wording needs clarifying it's hard to work out what the punchline means and you don't want a diretor/producer to have to think twice over what the sketch says.

Give the couples NAMES. To make it clearer.

I don't get it.
Unless it's a bit dark.

On second thought I get it now.. I think.

It's a nice idea & is quite funny

Hi Steve/billwill, not dark, just obviously not very funny or well written Point taken about naming the characters.

It's just a simple visual gag. The idea being that Couple 1 male isn't the father of the child but couple 2 male is.

thanks for the feedback.

I did get it in the end
I should have deleted my original reaction.

Don't bin it, it's a nice quickie.

Quote: Ishy @ October 7 2010, 11:00 PM BST

Hi Steve/billwill, not dark, just obviously not very funny or well written Point taken about naming the characters.

It's just a simple visual gag. The idea being that Couple 1 male isn't the father of the child but couple 2 male is.

thanks for the feedback.

View original

Oh, its funny enough.

May I have a go at rephrasing your sketch?

Of course Billwill, always interested in getting constructive feedback.

cheers

As the guys said, clear up the characters it's a good 'un.

INT-- DAVID AND MOIRA's Sitting room -- day

DAVID and MOIRA are sitting on the sofa. Their daughter NATALIE is scribbling on a little table nearby.

The doorbell rings. Moira gets up to answer it. STEVE and SUSIE enter.

DAVID (standing)
Hi do take a seat, I wanted to discuss the neighbouhood watch.

STEVE And SUSIE sit on the sofa with STEVE in the middle of SUSIE and MOIRA.

MOIRA (to Natalie)
What are you drawing darling?

NATALIE
Daddy picture.

SUSIE
Ahhh how lovely.

DAVID
Can I have a look? Just want to make sure you've only drawn one of my chins.

Everyone laughs politely, DAVID picks up the drawing and his face drops as we se an intricate photographic quality drawing of STEVE with a massive grin on his face holding his thumbs up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a little confusing but once it became clear I think its a lovely sketch. It made me smirk anyway see

yeah I didn't get it straight away either, but now I do, v.good. would be a good visual sketch

I agree with all the prev. comments. Just one question. Did the kid's picture look like a bloke with a headphone mike up his nose?¿?

An after 9pm edition.

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INT-- DAVE AND MOIRA's Sitting room -- day

DAVE (black and burly like Lenny Henry) and MOIRA (white) are sitting on the sofa. Their daughter NATALIE is scribbling on a little table nearby.

The doorbell rings. Moira gets up to answer it. STEVE (a wirey sailor type heavily tattooed, wearing a string vest) and SUSIE enter.

DAVE (standing)
Hi do take a seat, I wanted to discuss the neighbouhood watch.

STEVE And SUSIE sit on the sofa with STEVE in the middle of SUSIE and MOIRA.

MOIRA (to Natalie)
What are you drawing darling?

NATALIE
Daddy picture.

SUSIE
Ahhh how lovely.

DAVE
Can I have a look? Just want to make sure you've only drawn one of my chins.

Everyone laughs politely, DAVE picks up the drawing and his face drops as we see an intricate photographic quality drawing of MOIRA in sexual missionary position with a man. We can see from his back that he is wirey and covered in tattoos.

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