Apparently this was one of the 'edgier' sketches at last night's Radio Rejects.
DAN: Neighbours. Are one in ten of them really raving psychopaths? (BEAT) No, that's not true; I don't know why I just said that. I'm Dan Slab and I'm reporting from the hometown of infamous serial killer Bill Daley - the Surrey Chainsaw Cannibal. I talked to Bill Daley's milkman.
MILKMAN: He seemed such a quiet man, always paid his bills on time. Pretty much kept himself to himself.
DAN: The police found one of his used milk bottles on your float, full of human blood. Didn't you find that a bit strange?
MILKMAN: Well he did that once or twice before but I thought he must have cut himself shaving and got blood on the milk bottle. He seemed such a normal sort of chap, kept himself to himself. Who could have guessed he ate all those people?
DAN: I also spoke to Daley's next-door neighbours, the Smiths.
MRS. SMITH: He was always such a polite man. You'd never have suspected him of butchering and eating 47 people.
DAN: The police report showed that traces of blood and a tooth were found in the blades of your lawnmower.
MR. SMITH: Yes, he borrowed it once. I remember wondering about the mess at the time but I assumed he'd run over a hedgehog or something with it.
DAN: He killed 47 people. Surely you must have heard something?
MRS. SMITH: We heard a chainsaw and screaming occasionally but we knew he liked horror films. Once I asked him if he would mind turning his television down because it sounded like he was murdering someone in there! (LAUGHS) We had a good laugh about that. He always kept himself to himself.
DAN: Bill Daley was clearly a man who kept himself to himself. But were there any warning signs? Any vital clues which could have led to his killing spree being stopped sooner? I talked to his best friend David Belm.
BELM: I knew Bill since school. He was always a quiet kid, kept himself to himself. There was that one time he nearly stabbed one of our classmates to death with a pair of compasses but he got 100 lines for doing it and never did it again.
DAN: So he never did anything suspicious?
BELM: No, nothing. He seemed like a normal guy, kept himself to himself. He loved having barbecues. I don't know where he got the meat he used but the things he served tasted like nothing else I'd ever eaten.
DAN: So the food he served was...unusual?
BELM: A little. I'd never seen a pork chop with a tattoo before! But it all tasted wonderful and there was always so much of it.
DAN: So there we have it, to his friends and neighbours Bill Daley was a quiet man who kept himself to himself. If even a man who butchered and ate 47 people showed no signs of his hidden life, how sure can you be of your own neighbours? I'm Dan Slab and if I were you I'd keep an eye on my neighbours because you never know when one of them will try to eat you. Goodnight.
