Pre-pubescent Prostitute.

IN OLDE LONDON TOWN, THE FOG SWIRLS AROUND A GROUP OF WELL-DRESSED GENTS AS THEY MAKE THEIR WAY ALONG A DARK LAMP-LIT BACK STREET.

AS THEY ROUND A CORNER, THEY (AND WE) SEE A YOUNG PROSTITUTE LEANING AGAINST A WALL.

SHE IS YOUNG, SHOCKINGLY YOUNG.

THE MEN APPROACH HER WITH CAUTION, SEEMINGLY WORRIED THAT ANY UNDUE HASTE MAY CAUSE HER TO BOLT.

MAN: Tell me, my dear. Are you willing to entertain me and my friends for . . . shall we say . . . a sovereign?

THE GIRL HOLDS OUT HER HAND SLOWLY AND THE MAN DROPS A SHINY GOLD COIN INTO IT

WITHOUT TAKING HER EYES OFF THE MEN, THE GIRLS REACHES INTO A BAG BEHIND HER AND PRODUCES A BANJO.

AFTER A FEW SECONDS TUNING UP, SHE SINGS:

GIRL (SINGING):

I'm a pre-pubescent prostitute
I make a good few bob.
I can work four weeks in every month
Cos I'm never on the blob.

All the old girls envy me
My freedom and my youth,
Call me a little bleeder
But that's some way from the truth.

My dad goes mad and says I'm bad,
A menace to the nation,
But don't distress, I'll f*** much less
When I start menstruation.

Prozzie! Yes, I'm a prozzie.
I'm still in Primary School.
Prozzie! Yes, I'm a prozzie
It's cool. It's oh, so cool!

I'm down to Earth, I tell the truth,
I haven't got two faces.
Strip me bare and you will find
No pubic 'airs or graces.

Prozzie! Yes, I'm a prozzie.
And I'm still in Primary School.
Prozzie! Yes, I'm a prozzie
No stranger to a too-oo-ool.
No stranger to a tool.

THE MEN BURST INTO RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE.

ENDS.

On it's own it's probably a bit to dark on a contenious subject.

I could see it as an extra in a bigger sketch.

And why the odd typing?

Quote: sootyj @ October 1 2010, 8:35 AM BST

On it's own it's probably a bit to dark on a contenious subject.

I could see it as an extra in a bigger sketch.

And why the odd typing?

View original

The odd typing (now corrected, thanks) seems to be a problem with apostrophes copied and pasted from Microsoft Word.

As regular readers (e.g. you) will realise, the sketch was inspired by last night's discussions re the pre-pubescent prostitutes mentioned in my sketch 'On The Game'.

It was just a quickie, knocked out in a very few minutes (and don't say it shows - that would be too cruel) but it amused me as I wrote it and still looks quite funny in the cold light of day.

I can imagine it being performed by the 'School of Comedy' ensemble.

As you say, it's quite a risky topic but that's often where the best comedy lies.

Many people (although not usually people with ambitions to write comedy) find several subjects taboo but to them I say that although the sketch leads us perhaps initially towards the edge of unacceptability, we don't arrive there as the girl is not abused or defiled and the apparently menacing men turn out to be very pleasant chaps who simply enjoy a comic song.

So we all breathe a sigh of relief and have a good laugh.

I liked this, especially in the context of the previous stuff. As Sooty says, it may need that context to work best, but still funny.

You could add a topper with one of the men suggesting they were after entertainment of a more stimulating kind, something 'more physical'. They could crowd still closer and produce some tap shoes.

Ming, this is a work of gnarled and polluted genius. It would have been easy to drop the ball in lots of places, but you didn't. The song's excellent and singable and you keep going with the menstruation conceit. I love the idea of the gents applauding at the end.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ October 1 2010, 11:16 AM BST

Ming, this is a work of gnarled and polluted genius. It would have been easy to drop the ball in lots of places, but you didn't. The song's excellent and singable and you keep going with the menstruation conceit. I love the idea of the gents applauding at the end.

View original

I thank you most sincerely for that, Godot.

Very dark Ming, yet good at the same time.

Sorry Ming but unusually I'm a bit prudish about this one. The thought of a primary school girl singing about sex is a bit seedy for me.

Thanks to Pond and Nigel. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

To Will, I understand and accept completely your position on this. I think it's a funny and rather sensitive treatment of a potentially revolting subject but we're all different in terms of our comedy tastes and almost all of us have areas we're reluctant to go near for entertainment purposes. I'll try to come up with something more to your liking soon.

I was hooked from the description of the fog swirls. Some of the song lines made me nearly spit out my Cabernet Sauvignon, especially pubic 'airs and graces.

Yes, it's a bit dark, but it's some people's reality and dealt with in a funny, clever manner. Loved it!

Can I get writers credit for the on the blob line?

It is funny.

This line is very clever

Strip me bare and you will find
No pubic 'airs or graces.

Nice one.

I'm confused by this one, is it supposed to be funnier if a seven year old girl is singing this or someone older pretending to be seven?

Quote: AngieBaby @ October 1 2010, 11:02 PM BST

I was hooked from the description of the fog swirls. Some of the song lines made me nearly spit out my Cabernet Sauvignon, especially pubic 'airs and graces.

Yes, it's a bit dark, but it's some people's reality and dealt with in a funny, clever manner. Loved it!

Can I get writers credit for the on the blob line?

View original

Thank you very much, Angie.

Yes, you deserve a credit. The expression is used in this sketch largely as an homage to your use of it in my 'On The Game' thread.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ October 1 2010, 11:05 PM BST

It is funny.

This line is very clever

Strip me bare and you will find
No pubic 'airs or graces.

Nice one.

View original

Thanks, Steve.

Your kind words bring a ray of sunshine to my Saturday morning.

Quote: Marc P @ October 1 2010, 11:15 PM BST

I'm confused by this one, is it supposed to be funnier if a seven year old girl is singing this or someone older pretending to be seven?

View original

I see what you mean but I don't know where the figure of 'seven' has come from as a genuine primary school girl can be anywhere between just over five and just under twelve.

Essentially, she's whatever age makes the sketch most funny (or least unfunny) for you the BCG reader.

I just write 'em: I don't cast 'em.

So Ming, was it a yes or no from the producers of Sorry, I've Got No Head?

School of Comedy surely.