This is the last time I'll ask for feedback until it's finished. So please feed me back please, or the kitten gets it. (A tasty treat that is)....(If it thinks a bullet is a tasty treat)....(Which it does, because its a Bullet shaped piece of fish)....(Poisonous fish!!)....(Only when alive though and this is well and truly dead).......(yeah dead rotten!!!)......(in the sense it had a bad personality)
well i laughed and it made me feel happy and so quick so it has my vote . if hamster also showed if appreciation by weeing on my hands NICE
Does this mean we've got to read it again?
Well, the last half, but you haven't got to read it, but I would appreciate it 
Right - I've read it but I've no idea now how much you've changed. (not you - the script).
I do like it but it gets a bit confusing with putting the voices on - on paper that is - probably works better read out loud.
Yeah I can imagine, it's very silly, I'm just messing about with it at the moment so it doesn't matter too much.
The changed bit is pretty much the second half. When they start reading the script.
I'm going to resist coming on ere tomorrow and try and get in a good writing session.
Thanks.
Hi Lee
I thought the dialogue was *very* good at the start. Kept me interested all the way down to the bit where they start reading the script. It got a bit confusing when the two of them were playing three people. Admittedly this could come out very well in the performance depending on the actors.
After this, it started to seem like way too long a scene and I kind of lost interest. Need another scene somewhere else in order to split it up.
Dan
Thanks Dan,
I'm glad you enjoyed it. The script read through is a bit messy and I'm sure there's a way to make it an easier read.
I'm actually at a bit of a cross roads with the language, I don't want to go down the two pints road and have it full of knob gags and make it feel cheap, it's more to show James is a bit of an idiot.
Thanks again for the feedback.
Also, Can I ask if you all if liked the Cold Calling Pizza Place, I'm quite like it, was it just me?
Yeah, liked the cold-calling pizza place. One thing to add:
KATE
...yeah, actually I am an actress.
JAMES (MOCKING)
Act-*or*.
KATE (cont'd)
...
See? Retrospective humour. I *am* listening...
Dan
Yes, very good Dan.
Thank you.
If they cold call the Pizza do you get it free?
Random bump.
I liked it. Loved the cold-calling pizza place as it was a character-led situation rather than a "gag"-led thing, which this site seems to be a bit heavy with. Dialogue was nice. If I'd get rid of anything it would be the bit at the start where we cut from "She'll do anything" to her saying "I'm not doing it", or whatever it was. That was too much of an easy, hackneyed cut for my liking.
I'd like to see these two characters get into some hare-brained situations. And I'd like to see them develop, as from a small piece such as this I can't see them as really distinct from any other "male" and "female" character one might find - i.e. they fulfilled basic gender roles well but individual quirks and tics have yet to be expressed fully.
Nice stuff.
Thank you James, that's some good feedback.
A global mod BUMPING??? Hang your monkey head in shame as Paul troops you out of his forum. Now Paul knows why I didn't want Critique.
Liked the dialogue. Liked the character-driven jokes (as pointed out by those above) BUT there is no emergence of a plot and this is what will force people to turn the page. If there is a plot then signpost it clearer and this will fly.