Skit Comp 30.9-7.10.10 Page 2

Dunno where the "holiday" bit went BUT I just loved AngieBaby's batless tabletennis!

NB
Excusing the early voters, but voting should usually start on Midnight of the closing date I think.

A HIPPYISH TRAVELLER ARRIVES BACK FROM HIS HOLIDAY

CUSTOMS MAN:
Sorry sir could you step to one side.

TRAVELLER:
Excuse me?

CUSTOMS MAN 1:
You've just arrived back from Amsterdam is that correct?

TRAVELLER:
Via Columbia & Morroco yes.

CUSTOMS MAN 1:
In that case we'll just need to check your bags

TRAVELLER:
Oh just the bag thank God for that

CUSTOMS MAN 1:
Pardon?

TRAVELLER:
I mean go ahead, you won't find anything there.

CUSTOMS MAN 1:
And where might we find something then sir?

TRAVELLER:
Look I'm getting fed up of all this, If you're suggesting that I've swallowed 5 kilogrammes of Cocaine have have half an ounce of Columbian Haze in the soles of my shoes and various opiates inside the lining of my jacket then quite frankly I'm appalled.

CUSTOMS MAN 2:
Sorry sir no we weren't suggesting anything (TURNS TO HIS COLLEAGUE) What is it with you Guv?

TRAVELLER:
Right then I'll just be on my way shall I?

CUSTOM MAN 1:
Not quite sir, I'm afraid, & I don't want to do this .. it's all boring routine you understand but we will need to your bags and then possibly submit you to a body search

TRAVELLER:
Oh don't be like that!

CUSTOM MAN 2:
Yeah don't be like that Guv, he does look quite honest. Look at those little red eyes.

CUSTOM MAN 1:
Dave, I'm not doing this to be petty, look at the dogs they're going crazy.

TRAVELLER:
They can probably smell my dog

CUSTOM MAN 2:
See they can probably smell his dog, what breed is your dog mate

TRAVELLER:
I'm not sure, what breeds are there?

CUSTOMS MAN 2:
Afghan?

TRAVELLER:
Not on me no, oh sorry I mean yes probably.

CUSTOMS MAN 1:
Put your bag up here please sir.

CUSTOMS MAN 2:
I Can't believe how distrustful you've become Guv

TRAVELLER:
I'm going to miss my Cab if we're not quick?

CUSTOMS MAN 2:
He's gonna miss his cab.

CUSTOMS MAN 1: OPENS THE BAG & STARTS TO TAKE OUT THE CONTENTS
Don't worry this won't take long.
HE PULLS OUT LARGE PACKETS OF RIZLA SEVERAL PIPES, AND A BONG WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF IT

THEY ALL STARE AT ONE ANOTHER AND AT VARIOUS DRUG PAREPHERNALIA

CUSTOMS MAN 1:
I think you know what I'm going to say next don't you?

TRAVELLER:
Probably yes.

CUSTOMS MAN 1: (CHUCKS A BIG BAG OF WEED ONTO THE TABLE)
You couldn't skin us up a couple could you mate! Dave always rolls them too tight.

END

JAKE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SUE ARE AT THE AIRPORT. JAKE IS ABOUT TO BOARD HIS FLIGHT.

SUE:
...And you're certain this is all above board; Winning a week for one in the Bahamas from a competition you never entered?

JAKE:
Of course its above board. Listen:

(he reads the letter)

'Dear Jake,
We are delighted to inform you that you are the winner of a week for one in a Bahama of your choice. You were the second name out of the hat in this particular competition that you may or may not have entered. We look forward to seeing you. I will meet you on the plane. I will be the man sitting down.

P.S.

This is definitely above board'.

SUE:
Ok then. Enjoy yourself.

JAKE:
Sure I will. Bye.

JAKE BOARDS THE PLANE AND SITS DOWN BUT DOES NOT SEE ANYONE THAT COULD BE THE MAN WHO WROTE THE LETTER.

CAPTAIN(OVER THE SPEAKER):
Good morning. This is your captain speaking. It is currently 15 degrees and we are stationary on the tarmac. We will soon be cruising at 25,000 feet and everyone on the plane is called Jake, thank you.

JAKE LOOKS AROUND SLIGHTLY CONFUSED. HE SEES WRESTLER JAKE 'THE SNAKE' ROBERTS, JAKE GYLLENHAAL. HE THEN LOOKS AT THE SEAT IN FRONT OF HIM AND THE BOY FROM TWO AND A HALF MEN IS STARING BACK AT HIM.

JAKE:
What the hell?

THE MAN SITTING BESIDE JAKE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR.

MAN:
I' m not a Jake.

JAKE:
What are you then?

MAN:
What do you mean 'what am I'? I have a different name but that's not important. What is important is that I work for an agency that was put in place to prevent a secret organisation known as The Brightinati from carrying out its heinous deeds. This organisation is attempting to carry out one of its plans on this very plane and unless I can stop them I won't be able to stop them.

Did you ever hear of Perntran?

JAKE:
No.

AGENT:
That's because The Brightinati got rid of the name 200 years ago by killing everyone with that name. Now they are trying to do the same to Jake.

JAKE:
You mean.... they are going to take us back in time 200years-

AGENT:
No you idiot. They are going to kill everyone called Jake by crashing the plane into the sea.

JAKE:
Oh. That's much worse.

AGENT:
Yes! Now cover me while I call the control tower and let them know what I've found out.

JAKE:
Hey! You can't use a phone on a plane. It messes up the instruments.

AGENT:
Well that's not going to make much difference when you're dead.

JAKE:
Yeah. Because of you.

JAKE GRABS THE PHONE FROM THE AGENT.

AGENT:
Stop drawing attention to us and give me the bloody phone.

JAKE:
You know I can't do that.

AGENT:
Yes you can! If you don't want to die give me the phone!!

JAKE:
Why did you want it again?

AGENT:
What is wrong with you!!? Because we have to get these motherf**king Jakes off this motherf**king plane!!

VOICE FROM BEHIND WHO IS OBVIOUSLY THE BOSS:
I'm afraid that's not going to happen. Men, (nodding at the agent) take this excrement away.

MAN 1:
From the toilet or...

BOSS(ANNOYED):
Him, there, take him away.

THE TWO BURLY MEN GRAB JAKE.

BOSS:
No! The other one! Take him away.

THE BURLY MEN LOOK CONFUSED.

BOSS:
Him! This fella. (He stands up and touches the Agent) Take him away.

THEY TAKE THE AGENT AWAY.

BOSS:
Hello Jake.

JAKE:
How did you know my name?

BOSS:
Listen Jake. I am the man that wrote you the letter.

JAKE:
Yeah I haven't decided which island I want to go to yet.

BOSS:
Jake I'm afraid that was just a ruse.

JAKE:
Aruse? I haven't heard of that one but it sounds lovely. Aruse it is.

BOSS:
I need a favour Jake. I need you to help me to do something that will help the whole world. I need you to fly the plane directly into the sea please. You see God has told me that a sacrifice needs to be made and this plane needs to dive into the water.

JAKE:
Sure. Where do I go after that?

BOSS:
You go to a beautiful place Jake. A place beyond your wildest dreams but the pilots and I cannot go. Its just to be enjoyed by you and the other passengers and that is why I need you to fly it into the sea. God is hurting Jake. He is hurting like..like someone just punched him into the face like-

AGENT:
-This!!

AGENT PUNCHES THE BOSS INTO THE FACE, KNOCKING HIM OUT.

AGENT:
Jake, I managed to beat up the two henchmen, I locked three more into the cargo bay, I threw mouse traps at another four, there were two more waiting so I made them eat their own laces.

I had to shoot both pilots and in doing so I severed the cabin pressure cable but I managed to rewire it. I also accidently took out the communications device with a bullet but we still have our lifeline in the phone.

Ring the control tower while I tie this whack job up and just tell them our coordinates and they will be able to guide us home.

HE THROWS THE PHONE TO JAKE. JAKE SLAMS THE PHONE OFF THE GROUND AND STAMPS ON IT SMASHING IT TO BITS.

JAKE:
No!! It will mess up the instruments!!

AGENT LUNGES FOR HIM.

END.

Close this week. But for me the haircut sketch had the strongest punchline. So it's

STEPHEN BIRCH.

Otterfox for me

Mr Otterfox for me too. Enjoyed the bit at the start about the letter and it made me laugh, hence my vote.

Ishy for me

Gerry. True satire.

I enjoyed Charley and Bushbaby's, but Angie edges it.

It was between the 2 Steves for me. I really liked Mr. Sunshines idea but Mr. Birch has a fantastic ending. Because of the ending STEPHEN BIRCH pips it.

Ishy.

Angiebaby

Angie for me too

Fangs evertyone, results coming...

I owe Mr Sunshine and Mr Mahon apologies for my premature votaculation. Your contributions were both excelent but it would not have changed my thing for AngieBaby's asiatic twat-shot tabletennis.