Skit Comp 30.9-7.10.10

Nice ones! Congratulations to... STEPHEN GOODLAD for winning! Get handsomely rat-arsed, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - Stephen Goodlad
3 - 5 - Ishy
1 - 1 - Reg N, Craig H, Alex Mahon, Steve Sunshine

Your new subject: HOLIDAYS (suggested by ISHY)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.10.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

151!!!!! - Mr Sunshine
133 - Cool Mikado
130 - Otterfox
120 - Kasm
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
106 - Nigel Kelly
103 - Charley Rance
99 - Michael Monkhouse
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
59 - AngieBaby
55 - Scratchyr
54 - Gerry McDonnell
37 - Afinkawan
33 - Alex Mahon
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Ishy, Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad (new entry!), Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Reg N, Stephen Birch, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

Yanksgiving

A sweet KIDS' TEACHER addresses the class:

TEACHER Hello children, hello hello. This morning we shall learn all about Thanksgiving, which is a charming little holiday in America. As you know the American flag is absolutely darling with its stars and stripes. Each star represents a state, each stripe represents ten billion Red Indians who got shafted up the arse to make it possible.
Now preparations for Thanksgiving start jolly early, even earlier than the Yanks expect us to get all excited about their election, not they give two shits about ours of course. And the party ends ever so late, even later than they got involved in both world wars. It is held on the last Thursday of November - riiiight at the end, just like the historical moment America came into being - and celebrates the pilgrims' gratitude to the Indians. This gratitude took the form of kicking the poor sods off the land they'd inhabited for six thousand billion years and onto teeny-weeny itsby-bitsy reserves, and if an Indian chief moaned they murdered the bastard, and I think I'd win a battle if my assailants had a sad rickety bow and arrows and I had a motherf**king sniper rifle the size of Bush's ego - I mean turkey dinner? Chicken would be more appropriate - and f**k you and your pumpkin pie, I want my country back.
And let's not forget Thanksgiving breakfast: 'break-fast' children, hear how the word reflects the backs of the nig-nogs in plantations: 'break-FAST!' There is no traditional historical breakfast as the Americans have no traditions or history but they do love cranberries, tiny lickle fruits, tiny tiny tiny, even tinier than America's interest in the rest of the world, and corns too which sounds like something adorning George Bush's nob post-Monica. And Obama's cool yeah, but stick your 'We did it' fliers up your corporate Yankee butts, what did you do exactly? You switched off Myley Ray Syphilis and dragged yourself off your fat arses all the way to the ballot at the end of the block and scrawled an 'X' in a box, well f**king knackering, the world is in your hands, never mind war or famine or Facebook, look what I've done Ma 'n' Paw can I watch Myley again?
That's all for this morning boys and girls, I do hope you've learned a lot. Let's close with the American slogan God Bless America. And f**k everyone else.

INT. PUB

MICK AND LES ARE STOOD CHATTING AT THE BAR.

MICK
Where are you off for your holidays this year Les?

LES
I'm going to Rome.

MICK
Oh yeah, 'roam' round the back garden eh!

LES
No, I thought I'd take in the Vatican Museums
and the Sistine Chapel.

MICK (a little deflated)
You taking Judy with you?

LES
No, she's going to the West Indies

MICK
Jamaica!!!!

LES
Erm, think she said Barbados, St Lucia and then Grenada

MICK
Damn, what about the kids, they going with any of you?

LES
Oh no, they are going to Romania

MICK
You can't fool me Les - They are going to 'remain here'.

LES
Think our Paul said they land in Bucharest then on to Transylvania and Moldova

MICK
Oh, OK. I expect then your moggy will be going to the cattery.

LES
Why would I send little Sukie to Catterick, there's bugger all there but a racecourse.

MICK
What about Rover? Kennels?

LES
A little town in South West Australia; Don't think so Mick.

MICK
Pffff, I'm off to the bogs

LES
Oh nice,they do say Southen Ireland is lovely this time of year.

1. INT LIVING ROOM. A MIDDLE AGED COUPLE ARE HUNCHED OVER A COMPUTER LOOKING FOR HOLIDAYS ONLINE. THEIR TEENAGE SON JOSH IS SITTING ON THE SOFA OPPOSITE PLAYING A NINTENDO DS

JOHN:
How about this one Elsie? Two weeks in sunny Spain.

ELSIE:
That would be lovely. What do you think Josh?

JOSH DOESN'T EVEN LOOK UP

JOHN:
Oi cloth-ears, take your head out of that bloody game. Show your mother some respect.

ELSIE:
Leave it John. I don't think we'll be going there anyway. Have you seen the price?

JOHN:
Hell. I'd have to sell a kidney to pay for that.

ELSIE GRABS THE COMPUTER

ELSIE:
Come here. Lets have a look. There's got to be something cheaper.

SHE TYPES AROUND FOR A BIT

ELSIE:
Here you go, how about this?

HE INSPECTS THE SCREEN

JOHN:
Well it's different. But it's also very cheap. Shall we?

ELSIE LOOKS AT JOHN AND SMILES

ELSIE:
Maybe it'll bring chatterbox over there out of his shell.

JOSH BARELY LOOKS UP AND GRUNTS

2. INT LIVING ROOM. JOHN IS WEARING A GARISH T-SHIRT AND A LARGE SOMBRERO.

JOHN:
Everyone ready?

HE LOOKS AT ELSIE

ELSIE:
You bet.

JOSH:
Whatever.

THE FAMILY SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND EACH TAKE A SMALL PILL JOHN IS HANDING OUT

JOHN:
Bottoms up. Here's to a pleasant trip.

3. INT LIVING ROOM
JOHN IS STANDING THERE STARING INTO SPACE, HIS FACE FLUSHED AND WITH A LARGE WET PATCH ON THE FRONT OF HIS TROUSERS

JOHN:
Elsie, it's amazing. I'm flying Elsie.

ELSIE IS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, PIROUETTING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM HUMMING 'I COULD HAVE DANCED ALL NIGHT'. JOSH IS HUMPING A SOFA CUSHION

JOSH:
Ohhh Princess Peach. How do you like THIS power up mushroom.

MAN, WOMAN and BOY walking towards beach in sunny setting. MAN is in shorts and a tshirt, with sunglasses. WOMAN is wearing a bathing suit and a towel wrapped around her waist. BOY is in swimming shorts with a rubber ring with a dragon shape sticking out at the front.

BOY: I'm gonna swim. then I'm gonna make a sandcastle and then swim again and, and can we get ice-cream.

WOMAN: Of course we can.

BOY: Yay.

They reach the beach and the MAN and WOMAN look shocked. WOMAN gasps and covers up BOYs eyes.

Cut to a load of people in orthodox Jewish clothes (with hats and long hair/beards) running in and out of the water, sunbathing, making sand castles, playing volleyball.

MAN: God damn it, another Jewish beach.

The cold stone walls of the prison glisten with moisture, as the damp, musty air does it's best to add atmosphere to the occasion. The watery morning sun fails to penetrate far beyond the iron bars and into the grey cell.
A hob-nailed boot scrapes across the floor, echoing as if in a church, as the shadow of the electric chair falls across the back of the condemned man.
In the hands of the Trusty, the clippers buzz into life. He sets about removing the convict's hair, so that the elecrodes will deliver their fifty thousand volts to the skull more efficiently.
Grey brown locks fall to the floor, and the Trusty says,
"So, going anywhere nice this year ducky?"

BARBERS: A BLOKE'S GETTING A TONSORIAL TRIM.

BARBER:
Goin' away this year.

BLOKE:
Yep. I'm going to Rome.

BARBER:
Don't like to tell you this, mate, but you're going to be well disappointed.
For starters the Italian women are nothing like the latin beauties they're made out to be.
Hairy arms; fat; garlic breath; frumpy clothes; and foreigners don't get a look in - a right
let down.
Then there's the famous Italian cuisine!!! An arm-an-a-leg and absolute bollocks.
Iceland's crappy pasta and pizzas are a site more tasty than the shite they serve up in Italy.
But the so-called "highlight" of a trip to Rome has to be the biggest piss-take,
ever. I made the mistake of going to St Peter's Square to get blessed by the
Pope. There was millions of people - mostly smelly, fat Italians. Spotted me as
a foreiger and they wouldn't let me get through. I was so far away I couldn't hardly see the Vatican.
As for the Pope, if there hadn't been a good P.A. system I wouldn't have known the bloke was there.
If you ask me it was a total waste of time AND money!

A MONTH OR TWO LATER THE BLOKE GOES BACK FOR ANOTHER TRIM.
THE BARBER DOESN?T RECOGNISE HIM.

BARBER:
Got a bit of a tan. Been away, have you.

BLOKE:
Yep. Went to Rome. Incredible. The best holiday I've ever had.
The women, God they were more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. I had a different one each night.
The first one was a knock-out and they just got better and better.
As for the food - It was out of this world - and as cheap as buggery, too.
BUT the highlight was when I went to St Peter's Square. There was masses of people, but the Italians spotted I was foreign and they let me through. Lovely people. Anyway, there I was, right in front of the Vatican, and the Pope comes out onto the balcony. He was right above my head.
When did his blessing he seemed to be looking right at ME - as if it was personal! It was one of the most moving moments of my life, and you'll never guess what happend next.

BARBER:
Not a clue - what happend next?

BLOKE:
Well, as you'd expect, the Pope goes inside - BUT then before you know it he's out the front door and coming down the Vatican steps - staight towards me!

BARBER:
No!

BLOKE:
True as I'm sitting here. But that's not all, he comes right down the steps, right up to me and you'll never, ever guess what he said.

BARBER:
What'd he say.

BLOKE:
He said, where the f**k did you get that haircut?

V/O: Welcome to the grand final of Holiday-Factor, where tonight we'll crown the nation's favourite holiday destinations.

INT. LUXURY VILLA - DAY

CHERYL COLE TALKS TO THE CAMERA

CHERYL:
As you know, I was away through the early stages of this competition, so it's great to be back for the finale.

V/O: Cheryl's first job is to announce the winner from the domestic finalists. Will the nation's sweetheart choose Blackpool or Whitehaven?

CHERYL:
Blackpool, you're great, you really are, but there's something not quite right. I just can't take you any further in this competition.

THE MAYOR OF BLACKPOOL LEAVES SOBBING

CHERYL:
Whitehaven, you're right up my street. Sure, when I went there I got food poisoning and shot, but you're ticking all the right boxes for me. You're my winner!

A CHAV IN A HOODIE CELEBRATES

V/O: It's now time for Cheryl to pick the winner of the 2010 Holiday-Factor international destination of the year. The finalists are Krakatoa and Montenegro.

CHERYL:
I've got to be honest; this was an easy decision for me...

Airport scene

TOM AND JACK GO TO THE CHECK-IN DESK AND PRESENT THEIR TICKETS.

CLERK [Female]
Is this a joke?

TOM [LAUGHS]
That's funny.

CLERK STARES AT HIM

TOM
What?

CLERK
I asked is this a joke.

TOM
No.

JACK
We're checking in.

CLERK
You're not.

JACK
Oh, don't tell us there's another ash cloud

CLERK
No.

TOM
Cabin crew strike?

CLERK
No.

JACK
Can we ask the audience?

CLERK
Cut the quips. You can't fly with these tickets.

TOM
Yes, we're booked on the three o'clock flight to Phulakrappa.

CLERK
Never heard of it. How're spelling that?

TOM
P. H. U. L. A. K. R. A. P. P.A .

CLERK
I'd say that's pronounced Full-a-crapper. And Jesterair?

JACK
Correct

CLERK
There's no such airline.

TOM
Look yer prick. We've got seat numbers to prove it.

CLERK
They might just as well be seat numbers on the Appollo 10
and pricks won't be travelling on that either.
Now move while I deal with sane passengers.

TOM
I demand my money back. A lot of money has been paid for this
and now you say there's no such airline.

JACK
He booked these legitimately on the in...ter...net [looks at Tom]

TOM
Correct.

JACK
Did you get a confirmation email?

TOM
No, just the tickets in the post.

CLERK
Please move away I've passengers to deal with.

TOM
I'm not moving till you check us in.

CLERK
If you don't move, like now, I'll call security.

TOM
And what can they do?

CLERK
They're trained to deal with troublesome pricks.

JACK
She does have a point.

TOM
The package cost us eight hundred quid with this holiday company.
[he passes her a leaflet]

CLERK [Reads it]
Custard-Pie Holidays-R-Us? [she smirks] Jesterair? I think you've been taken for a ride love. [Hands back the leaflet]

JACK
You didn't tell me it was called Custard-Pie. I want my four hundred quid back. How could you fall for that?
[They move away from the check-in]

TOM [Hands leaflet to Jack]
It sounded good.

JACK [Reads from leaflet]
Discover this unique spot where no one has ever been. Have fun nights out with other clowns. This is one experience you'll never forget. Thank you for booking with Custard-Pie.

TOM
Do you think I've been ripped off?

JACK
No, education is always valuable.

TOM
What are we going to do now then? The wife'll kill me.

JACK
You'll just have to tell her it was just all pie in the sky.

2 ORIENTAL WOMEN ARE WAITING IN THE QUEUE AT PASSPORT CONTROL.

OFFICER: Next!

<THE WOMEN APPROACH THE DESK.>

OFFICER: (CONTD) What is the purpose of your visit, Business or Pleasure?

WOMAN 1: (GIGGLING) Both hopefully.

OFFICER: <OFFICER UNZIPS BAG> And how do you explain these?

<PULLS OUT A HANDFULL OF TABLE TENNIS BALLS>

WOMAN 2: We are National Table Tennis Team.....

OFFICER: I've heard it all now. Ok, come with me and you can prove it.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP OF OFFICER, HIS HEAD MOVES CONSTANTLY FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.

FX: TABLE TENNIS BALL.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL MORE OFFICERS, ALL HEADS ARE MOVING IN UNISON.

JUNIOR: Looks like you got it wrong Boss, these girls really can play Ping-Pong.

OFFICER: Yeah... You can give them back their bats now.

Two women chatting in the street.

Sarah
I have booked Daniel & I a two week holiday to Thailand

Janine
Very nice as I said the past three times you mentioned it.

Sarah
Yea Thailand. Gorg eh?

Janine
Hmmm yes. Lucky thing.

Sarah
(Swaying happily)Did I tell you that we have never been to Thailand. Oooh we are so excited?

Janine
(Deep Sigh)Yup about 200 times.

Sarah
I mean how many people get to go to Thailand?

Janine
Not that many. Just millions.

Sarah
Daniel has brought a brochure back. It is full of....

Janine
(interupts) Thai Brides

Sarah
What?

Janine
I said Beach rides?

Sarah
No theraputic treatments. Massage, reiki....

Janine
Prostitution?

Sarah
Eh?

Janine
I said cost a fortune?

Sarah
Yes it did. Anyway Daniel has said that I can have a night all to myself just having beauty treatments that I don't need he did add, while he stays in the hotel.

Janine
And shags a tute?

Sarah
(Taken aback)Sorry?

Janine
I said I would bag a Paratute ride. Are they available in erm where is it again?

Sarah
Thailand & it is Para Chute not tute. I am not sure to be honest. I will get Daniel to look into it. You can get great bargains you know. I wonder what things we will come back with

Janine
Aids?

Sarah
Please repeat.

Janine
I said maids you will probably end up bringing back a maid knowing you two.

Sarah
Yes Quite.(Snooty fake OTT laugh raharahaa)Anyhow Daniel just wants to try something different you know. Do something out of the norm. Try something exciting.

Janine
A Shemale?

Sarah
(Hands on hips) I beg your pardon

Janine
I said Email me the details. I would love to read up on erm where is it again?

Sarah
(Exasperated)Thailand....Anyway I just wanted to share my lovely Thailand news with you. (Looks at her watch) This time in 8 months we will be in (Over emphasises) THAI I I I LAND! I must get on. So many things to do before my trip of a lifetime.

Janine
Okay well enjoy erm (snaps fingers) erm Ireland.

Sarah
(Gruff annoyed voice) Thailand. (Starts to walk off).

Janine
(Stops her) Dave & I are off to the Indian Ocean in hmmmmm (looks at her watch in an OTT exagerated way) about 3 weeks.

Sarah
Oh yes the new Take away. Toodle loo (Walks away)

Janine
(Shouts after her)
No! The actual Indian Ocean. The Maldives infact.

Sarah ignores her

Janine
(Cups her hands around her mouth & hollers) WE GET OUR OWN BEACH!

Sarah
(Shouts back) Well I wasnt going to buy your dinner & your a bigger bitch. (Sticks her middle finger up wobbles her head & runs her hands down her body in a your jealous way) & mouths Thailand)

End

INT: HOTEL RECEPTION - MORNING

MALE GUEST (THIRTY, SMALL, SKINNY) MARCHES TOWARDS RECEPTION.

GUEST:
(Stuttering and lisp) I-I-I want to m-m-m-m-make a compwaint.

THE MANAGER (BASILY FAWLTY LOOK-A-LIKE) FROWNS.

MANAGER:
You want to come and paint? (rubs hands in glee) Well we do have some wonderful scenery here in Torquay. Somebody said it was the Paris of the south. Obviously he never bleedin' saw the place. Still, never mind.

GUEST:
N-n-n-n-n-n-o y-y-y-y-y-you im-b-b-b-becile.

MANAGER
(Smiling) What seems to be the problem? (muttering) Besides the bleedin' obvious.

GUEST THROWS DOWN BROCHURE ON DESK. POINTS TO PICTURE OF HOTEL.

GUEST:
This is-is-is-is-is not the s-s-s-s-same hotel.

MANAGER TURNS THE PAGE, POINTS TO A DIFFERENT PHOTO.

MANAGER:
Because it's this one here. (smiles) Now who's the im-b-b-b-b-b-becile now? Will that be all? Good.

MANAGER SEES MANUEL AND CHASTISES HIM ABOUT SOMETHING.

EXT. EVENING. HOTEL TERRACE OF A TYPICALLY TACKY MED RESORT. AN OLD MAN PLAYS CHEESEY MUSIC ON A KEYBOARD. SEATED AT ONE OF THE TABLES ARE ETHEL AND MAUD (AGED MID 70'S). AT THE OTHER TABLES PEOPLE ARE OF A SIMILAR AGE GROUP.

ETHEL:
Is this the height of the entertainment tonight Maud?

MAUD:
No, Gavin the gimp ventriloquist is due on soon?

ETHEL:
Oooh.... What's a ventriloquist?

MAUD:
It's someone who can make their voice come out of their arse.

ETHEL:
My Fred talked out of his arse a lot, he would have made a good ventriloquist... God bless him.

MAUD:
Now Ethel love, don't you go upsetting yourself over Fred... his bereavement premium paid for your trip.

ETHEL:
You know Maud, I'd never thought of it like that, it's a good job he did snuff it then.

VOICE: (over microphone)
Ladies and geriatrics, please put your hands together for Gavin the gimp ventriloquist!

GAVIN WALKS OUT. HE IS CLAD IN A FULL GIMP OUTFIT. HIS VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY IS ALSO A GIMP. BOTH THEIR MOUTHS ARE ZIPPED.

ETHEL:
He'll be sweltered in this heat.

FX MUFFLED SOUNDS COME FROM GAVIN.

MAUD:
Hmmm, I might retire to my room.

ETHEL:
I think I'll join you love, tonight hasn't been up to much.

ETHEL AND MAUD GET UP FROM THEIR SEATS TO REVEAL THEY ARE BOTH WEARING THIGH BOOTS, SUSPENDERS AND STRAP-ON DILDOS.

ETHEL WAGS HER FINGER AT THE COMPERE:
Last night's spanking display at the paddling pool was much more fun.

AS THEY WALK TOWARDS THE HOTEL FOYER, GAVIN THE GIMP COLLAPSES.

MAUD:
He probably just needs some air.

AN ELDERLY GENT WEARING BARE-ASSED BLACK LEATHER TROUSERS APPROACHES GAVIN. HE UNZIPS THE MOUTH OF HIS VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY.

ETHEL:
They'll tease Gavin this lot, tee hee.

MAUD:
I'll see you up in our room shortly love, I'm just getting my safety deposit box.

ETHEL:
Why's that Maud?

MAUD:
I'm going to get my genital piercing jewellery and put it on... I feel bare without it.

(Moved to Critique)

Nigel Kelly & his gimps for me please.