This Sitcom is set in a bowls club and this is an excerpt from Episode 2
I'd be interested to see if you think it flows and whether the characters are likable and obviously, if you find it funny
PERCY AND REG ARE AT THE BAR. TED IS AT ONE OF THE TABLES WITH A FERTILIZING KIT SPREAD ALL OVER IT. THERE ARE BOTTLES, CAPS, FUNNELS AND A BIG BACK PACK WITH A SPRAY HANDLE. HE IS READING THE INSTRUCTIONS AND LOOKS CONFUSED. DOUG WALKS IN, COVERED IN PAINT AS USUAL
DOUG:
Evening all, Pint of Best please Percy. Ted?
OFFERING TED A DRINK
TED:
What?
LOOKS UP, CLEARLY DISTRACTED AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT DOUG WANTS
DOUG:
Drink?
TED:
Sorry Doug. I'll get these. Couldn't give me a hand with this could you.
TED POINTS TO THE OBJECTS ON THE TABLE AS HE GETS UP AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE BAR. DOUG SITS DOWN AND UNFOLDS THE INSTRUCTIONS
DOUG:
I'll have a look, but I'm no expert
REG:
What is it Doug, something to do with decorating?
DOUG:
It's a fertilizing kit!
TED:
And I can't read the instructions properly
PERCY:
Forgot your contacts again?
TED:
No, I spilt the fertilizer
DOUG:
It's all a blur Ted. I can't make this out any better than you
TED MAKES HIS WAY BACK WITH BOTH DRINKS AND SETTLES DOWN NEXT TO DOUG
TED:
Ah, but you must mix things up every day. Paint, Grout, Turps
REG:
Quotes, Invoices, VAT Returns
DOUG:
But every mix is different. (IGNORING REG) I'd be making it up
REG:
Just like the Quotes, Invoices, VAT Returns . . .
DOUG:
I think you should leave it for now Ted
TED:
I can't. We have a big tournament here next week and the green needs to be up to standard.
PERCY:
So it's ok to be sub-standard for us then
TED:
Look, Audrey has insisted on it
PERCY:
Just because her friends from the County are coming here to play! I've been asking for a new ice bucket for months and she's always said no. I think it stinks!
TED:
I'm sure it's not just because they are her friends
PERCY:
I'm talking about the ice bucket!
DOUG:
Well most of the stuff I mix is 2 to 1. There is a litre of Fertilizer, so lets try two litres of water. Percy, fill the ice bucket up for me
PERCY EMPTIES THE ICE OUT OF THE BUCKET AND FILLS IT UP WITH WATER AND CARRIES IT ROUND TO DOUG AND TED. DOUG ADDS IN THE FERTILIZER JUST AS SUE ENTERS
SUE:
No wonder that ice bucket always stinks. Percy, my usual please
PERCY THROWS HIS ARMS UP, AS IF TO SAY, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME
SUE: CONTINUED
Bailey's and lemonade. No ice. (LOOKING AT THE ICE BUCKET) So, what's all this for then?
TED:
Getting the green up to scratch for next week!
SUE:
That reminds me
SUE REACHES INTO HER BAG AND PULLS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER
SUE: CONTINUED
I've got that quote that Audrey was asking for
DOUG:
Quote?
REG:
It's when you price up a job
SUE:
Audrey wants to get some Professional Outside Caterers. They're French
PERCY:
What about Vic and Freda
SUE:
Scottish I think?
PERCY:
They normally do the food!
SUE:
I think Audrey is looking for a little more than Beef Stew and a Fruit Flan
REG:
So what are they offering
SUE LOOKS AT THE QUOTE
SUE:
Beef Bourguignon for the main course and Apple Tarte Tatin for dessert
PERCY:
Let's have a look at that!
SUE PASSES THE QUOTE TO PERCY WHO STUDIES IT FOR A MOMENT
PERCY:
Unbelievable! They've charged £60 for the bloody Van!
SUE LOOKS CONFUSED AND SNATCHES THE QUOTE BACK
SUE:
That's the wine Percy
TED:
I'm off outside to spray the green
TED STANDS UP AND PUTS THE FERTILIZER SPRAYER OVER HIS BACK
DOUG:
Hang on Ted. Can't you do it later? I'm meant to be playing tonight
TED:
You should have read the note on the board
DOUG LOOKS OVER TO THE BLANK NOTICE BOARD
DOUG:
There's nothing on the board?
TED POINTS TO THE DART BOARD, THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. THERE IS A SIGN PINNED TO THE BOARD WITH A DART. IT SAYS, "TONIGHT I'M SPRAYING, SO YOU'RE NOT PLAYING" DOUG LOOKS AT THE DART BOARD, THEN BACK AT THE NOTICE BOARD. TED SHRUGS
TED:
I couldn't find any drawing pins
TED PULLS HIS MASK UP OVER HIS FACE AND HIS SUNGLASSES DOWN OVER HIS EYES. HE WALKS OUT OF THE CLUB. JEAN ENTERS, WITH BOB HURRYING AFTER HER
BOB:
I was not looking at her Jean, honest
JEAN:
I'll have a Martini please Percy!
SUE:
What's up Jean, what's happened?
JEAN:
We were walking across the park, and he couldn't take his eyes off this young girl
SUE:
Bob!
BOB:
I was looking at her puppies!
JEAN AND SUE BOTH LOOK AT HIM, ANGRILY
BOB:
Her dogs! They were cute
JEAN:
Do you honestly think I'd believe a story like that. You must think I . .
BOB INTERRUPTS, FLUSTERED
BOB:
I was only looking at the puppies as I was thinking of getting one
JEAN:
Really?
BOB:
Of Course. You're retired, and It'll be another few years for me. I thought you could do with the company
JEAN GRABS AND HUGS BOB HARD, PERCY AND REG SEE BOB LOOKING FRUSTRATED, AS IF TO SAY, THAT JUST COST ME
BOB:
Large Brandy please Percy (WHILE STILL BEING HUGGED)
CARL ENTERS, WITH A BLUE AND WHITE STRIPED CARRIER BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER
CARL:
Get a room you two, or at least use the changing room like Doug and Sue
DOUG AND SUE EXCHANGE QUICK LOOKS. BOB AND JEAN RELEASE FROM THEIR EMBRASE
CARL:
Why is Ted spray-painting the Grass Brown?
DOUG:
He's not he's Fertilising . . . Oh my god. Ted!
DOUG RUSHES OUT OF THE CLUB
REG:
What's in the bag Carl?
CARL:
CD's if you're interested
EMPTIES BAG OF 20 OR SO CD'S ON TO THE TABLE, DOUG STARTS SIFTING THROUGH
JEAN:
Where are they from?
REG:
Back of a lorry if I know Carl
CARL:
Actually, I got them in a sale
BOB TRIES TO PICK UP A CD, BUT THE CASE SPLITS INTO TWO AND FALLS AND SHATTERS ON THE TABLE
CARL: CONTINUED
A Jumble Sale
BOB TOSSES THE HALF OF THE CASE HE IS STILL HOLDING ONTO THE PILE OF CD'S. CARL SCOOPS THEM BACK INTO THE BAG
CARL:
Can't blame a guy for trying to earn a few quid
AS HE SWEEPS THE LAST CD INTO THE BAG, WE SEE THE COVER, IT IS "WASTE OF TIME" BY AVRIL LAVIGNE. CARL LOOKS DISSAPOINTED.
TED AND DOUG ENTER.
TED:
I couldn't see that I was killing it
DOUG:
The grass is brown Ted
TED:
Everything looks Brown through these things(POINTS AT HIS SUNGLASSES) What are we going to do? Audrey's going to kill me
DOUG:
How much have you sprayed?
TED:
Just around the edges
DOUG:
Right, we'll just say that you've treated the edges with a special type of grass feed. If she questions the colour, just say it's meant to be like that. You're the expert here, it's your job to make her believe you
TED:
Do you think it would work?
BOB:
Of course it will. Doug's the expert when it comes to covering up mistakes
DOUG:
Yes, well ...
DOUG WANTS TO MOVE ON, BUT BOB CONTNIUES
BOB:
Bloody Cowboy
DOUG:
I was under a lot of stress Bob. I ran out of Chiffon White and made a silly decision to finish off with Cameo Silk.
BOB:
I don't care about the two different colours you used Doug, I could barely notice the difference. It's the fact that you removed the fuses from my fuse box and said that I must have had a power cut, just so I couldn't get a decent look at the finished job
DOUG:
Like I say, I was under a lot of stress. I made a stupid mistake
BOB:
Not half as stupid as invoicing me for fixing the fuse box the following day
DOUG:
How did you find out in the end?
REG:
Don't you think it was an amazing strike of luck that you just happened to have the right fuses on you?
DOUG:
Well...
BOB:
And since when have you been a qualified electrician
AUDREY WALKS IN, LOOKING ASTONISHED
AUDREY:
I can't believe what I've just seen. What's going on out there?
BOB, TED AND DOUG ALL LOOK AWKWARD AND BOB DECIDES TO EASE THE SITUATION
BOB:
Come on now Audrey. It's not as bad as it looks
AUDREY:
Really, would you care to explain?
BOB:
I think it's fine! I'd be happy to see it on my lawn at home
BOB WINKS AT TED, BUT AUDREY PICKS UP ON IT AND LOOKS TOWARDS JEAN AND SHAKES HER HEAD
AUDREY:
Well if you're not going to ask her to leave, I will! It's one thing sunbathing on private property, but the dogs aren't even on a lead
AUDREY WALKS OFF TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AREA, BOB, TED AND DOUG ALL RUSH OVER TO THE WINDOW AND DOUG LOOKS BACK TO JEAN AS IF TO APOLOGISE, BUT JEAN GIVES HIM AN ANGRY LOOK AND SETS OFF IN PURSUIT OF AUDREY
TED:
We might have a little problem moving her
CARL:
If it weren't for the dogs, I'd be straight out there
REG:
Don't you like dogs then Carl
CARL:
Yeah, I love them, and that's part of the problem, they really love me.........like REALLY love me. They are always humping my leg and it creeps me out. It all started when my mum bought me those Pluto slippers for Christmas.
REG:
Ha ha. It's funny how we all still have these strange phobias from childhood. I still have to check under my bed at night
CARL:
Childhood? This was last Christmas
TED:
These dogs won't be causing you any problems Carl
REG:
Aaah, they're only puppies, they've probably not reached sexual maturity
BOB:
They're probably not going to reach maturity full stop! It looks like they're dead
TED:
And I don't think that young girl is Sun Bathing...