Something I wrote for a satirical website a while back but they decided not to use it, any feedback appreciated...
Hi there, Lewis Martin here, ace consumer expert and top financial guru, you may've seen me on daytime TV or heard my popular slot on Radio 2, welcome to my new column, "Show me the money!" that the lovely people here at the ***** **** have asked me to write.
At the moment the question that I'm asked most is "Where can I invest my money now that interest rates have fallen to record low levels making Building Society and Bank savings schemes as worthless as hiding your cash under the mattress?" well my answer to that question, which may be a surprise to some people, is one word, Africa.
Yes, thanks to the internet, the African investment sector has really taken off in recent years and I would have to recommend putting your cash into any of the numerous schemes that can be found in your e-mail's in tray, although sometimes these gems can be hidden in your junk folder as they are often removed by overzealous spam filters.
For instance, only yesterday, I received correspondence from a Doctor Godswill Ebola, pointing out to me a fantastic investment opportunity, that I have to concede I didn't fully understand but it involved millions of dollars which needed to be released from a UN fund set up by the deposed leader of the Nigerian army, the perfect example of a low risk, high yield investment.
I've forwarded all my bank details to the good doctor and will let you know how I get on, always remember the famous dictum, if something sounds too good to be true then seize it as quick as you can before someone else does.
Of course making your money go further is not all about saving but also about minimizing your spending, and this is what I'll be discussing next time.
Anyway that's enough of my top tips for now, remember pinch those pennies and the pounds will pile up.