British Comedy Guide

Screenplay opening

SCENE 1. INT - GAMES SHOP - EVENING

A young girl is sat at the counter, flicking coins at game-themed action figures/toys she's set up in a row. The manager of the store is in the backroom, packing away stock of games.

SOPHIE: (Shouts to back room) Jeff, am I ok to go home now?

JEFF: (O.O.V) What do you make it?

SOPHIE: Just gone 8.

JEFF: (O.O.V) Ok. Lock the door and then you can go.

She hops off the counter, heading to the entrance, humming to herself. She reaches to change the sign on the door to 'closed', but a tall man wearing a trench-coat bursts in, sending her backwards. The man has got something in a bin liner tucked under his arm. He pushes it towards her.

MAN: Please - please, take this -

He forces the bin-bag into the employee's hands, closing them round it.

SOPHIE: I'm sorry, we're closed. We weren't doing trade-ins today, anyway...

MAN: I don't want to trade it! I just want someone else to have it. Trust me - this is a very valuable item to own.

The man is looking around nervously. The GIRL starts to struggle.

SOPHIE: Get your hands off me! (Looking around) Jeff? JEFF! Get out here.

MAN: I'm sorry...I really am.

The man lets go of her and darts out of the door, into the driving rain.
The shop manager, Jeff, comes running out to the front of the store from the backroom waving a sharp looking action-figure, threateningly.

JEFF: Soph?! What's wrong?

She runs to the door and quickly locks it.

SOPHIE: That freak - he just came in, assaulted me. Threw that at me!

Jeff leans down and looks at the bin-bag. He freezes.

JEFF: What is it?

SOPHIE: I don't know. I haven't checked yet...you open it.

JEFF: He could have shit in it!

They both look at the bag. Jeff prods it with the action figure.

SOPHIE: (PAUSE) It could be drugs...

JEFF: ...Or a bomb.

SOPHIE: Yeah, because a small gameshop located at the arse-end of nowhere is right up Al-qaeda's agenda. Just open it! Be a man.

The girl steps behind Jeff, he rolls back the bin-bag around the game. It's 'Sandbox' - a computer game in a gold box that looks a little worn.

JEFF: It's Just an old game. What's that all about?

INT - HOUSE - MORNING

DAVE is mid-conversation on the phone. He is dressed smartly and is rushing around, trying to find his car keys. TOMMY is playing a Football videogame in the living room, engrossed in the action. We can hear an excited commentator say "We're down to the final seconds of the game. If they're gonna win, they better do it fast!"

DAVE: (On phone) I asked for full licences across the board. (Pause) No - my whole team needs access to that database, and I filed the request with ample time to spare.

DAVE turns off TV screen just as the final pass of the game is in mid-flight.

TOMMY: DAD! I was about to win the World Cup!

DAVE: (To TOMMY) I'm sure the computer men will be there when you get back from school. Now, go put your shoes on - we're late enough as it is. (On phone) Sorry, I'm back...

TOMMY trudges into the hallway, muttering insults under his breath and starts putting on a pair of trainers.

DAVE: (On phone) What? No, forget it! We'll continue this discussion when I get in, trust me. BYE.

DAVE frustratedly tries to end the phone call, but it's a touchscreen and he can't find the button to end it.

DAVE: God, I miss slamming down the reciever. Stupid 'efficient' technological advancement.

He looks down at TOMMY's feet.

DAVE: I thought I told you to put your shoes on, not some tatty trainers...

TOMMY: Those shoes are uncomfortable. They don't fit right.

DAVE: You'll grow into them.

TOMMY: But they're too small!

DAVE starts rushing round, forcing TOMMY's arms through a coat, and setting the house alarm.

DAVE: The more you wear them, the more you'll wear them in. They'll mould to your foot shape - leather does that.

TOMMY: They look like they're made of plastic or something. They've got no 'give'.

DAVE: Well your foot will mould to the shape of the shoes, then...

TOMMY: Look at them! (Holds them up) They're all pointy. People get bullied at school for wearing things like that...

DAVE: Yes, that's because they're jealous of the shoes!

TOMMY: Can't I just wear --

DAVE: (Interrupting) Look, Tommy, I don't have the time to debate the pros and cons of plastic-looking shoes with you. Just put them on and let's go - NOW!

DAVE and TOMMY exit the house and are making their way to their car which is in the driveway. Their neighbour walks over to them. DAVE trys to avoid him.

NEIGHBOUR: Dave mate!

DAVE: (To TOMMY) Don't catch his eyes. If we don't ackowledge him, we didn't see him.

DAVE keeps on ignoring him, packing the car.

NEIGHBOUR: DAVE!

Walks over and taps DAVE on the shoulder. DAVE grimaces, and slowly turns round to acknowledge.

DAVE: *sighs* Sorry, John. I didn't see you there. I'm afraid I'm in a bit of rush to get --

NEIGHBOUR: Seen the beast lately?

DAVE: Sorry?

NEIGHBOUR: The Maz? That beautiful piece of machinery in my driveway, making your driveway jealous.

DAVE: Oh, your car. Very nice.

DAVE goes back to putting his bags in the boot of the car.

NEIGHBOUR: I was working on it again last night. It's souped up better than a homeless guy on Christmas eve.

DAVE: Ouch...Slightly inappropriate.

NEIGHBOUR: Now it's pushing 240 PS at 6500 rpm.

DAVE: (Sarky) Wow. I'll assume that means something good in 'carspeak'.

NEIGHBOUR: Put it this way, mid-priced Volvos are now a spec in my rear-view mirror!

DAVE: You must be very proud.

TOMMY goes to get in the front seat.

DAVE: No, Tommy, we're picking up Claire on the way. Plonk yourself on the back seat.

TOMMY: Why does she get to sit up front?

DAVE: She's an adult - front seat privileges are one of the only things we've got going for us. (To neighbour) Bye, John.

DAVE and TOMMY get into the car. Neighbour knocks on the car window and does a 'roll-down' sign. DAVE impatiently rolls it down.

NEIGHBOUR: You wanna catch the game at mine tonight? I've got a couple of cold ones in the fridge - that's beers, not severed heads in plastic bags...(Sinister voice) OT IS IT?!....Nah, it is beer. Honestly. The heads are in the basement. JOKE!

DAVE: Riiiiiight....Who's playing?

NEIGHBOUR: (Thinking) Somebody somewhere must be playing something?

DAVE: As enticing a proposition as that sounds, I've already got plans. If they fall through, I'll let you know. (BEAT) Bye, John.

They reverse out of the driveway and start driving down the road.

Enjoyable read. I want to know more.

Thanks Nat! Just finishing off the next scene, so I'll put that up at some point.

Only read the first scene so far, but it starts a little quick for me, there needs to be more of a scene before the mystery bloke shows up.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ September 23 2010, 1:18 PM BST

Only read the first scene so far, but it starts a little quick for me, there needs to be more of a scene before the mystery bloke shows up.

Thanks for reading! That's more of a prologue scene. He is never seen again. That scene is more about the game itself.

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