This is a bit similar to my last sketch, kind of a spiritual sequel.
1 INT: POLICE HEADQUARTERS. DAY.
A door with a sign saying 'Detective Training'. Inside a group of young men sit at desks. VARNEY, an experienced detective speaks to the class holding a video cassette.
VARNEY
You have to remember that everyone is a suspect. Now, I'm gonna show you this video and you each have to watch and try to solve the case. Observe that it may not be the person you initially suspect and, I can't stress this enough, pay attention to the clues.
VARNEY puts in the video. 'Scooby Doo' theme tune can be heard.
2 INT: POLICE HEADQUARTERS. DAY
Students at desks, VARNEY at top of room.
VARNEY
Okay everyone, I've got your results back. Congratulations, the majority of you passed and will now be joining the more advanced, 'Murder, She Wrote' and 'Poirot' program. So get a move on, you start immediately.
They get up and start to leave. One student HIGGINS is stopped by VARNEY as he passes him.
VARNEY
Higgins, could you wait behind.
OTHER STUDENTS
(jeeringly)
Oooooh.
VARNEY
Go on get a move on.
Other students leave. VARNEY speaks to HIGGINS.
VARNEY
You've obviously been struggling.
HIGGINS
Its just that its always the person I least suspect.
VARNEY
Don't worry, you'll get it in time, but for now you might benefit from this.
VARNEY hands HIGGINS a video of 'Blue's Clues'.
INT: POLICE HEADQUARTERS. DAY
VARNEY speaking to students.
VARNEY
This will be your last learning exercise before you take your final role-play exam. But this one won't be easy, sitting around watching videos. This is an intense two day course out there in the real world, getting into the real nitty-gritty of detective work. For some it might be too real, but its the only way you'll learn. you'll all be staying at the Hinckley Hotel, where there's been...
VARNEY takes out a pipe that he holds to his mouth.
VARNEY
(in overly dramatic 'Sherlock Holmes' accent)
..a murder.
4 INT: POLICE HEADQUARTERS. DAY.
Door saying 'Testing in Progress'. Inside VARNEY is dressed like a chav and is slouching in his chair. HIGGINS in in detective uniform.
VARNEY
I ain't telling you nuffin'.
HIGGINS
Hmmm.
HIGGINS looks unsure of what to do for a moment, then look f realisation on his face.
HIGGINS
Okay, but just remind me..
HIGGINS does 'Columbo finger wag'
HIGGINS
..are you the murderer?
VARNEY looks down and sighs, shaking his head. Then a smile creeps across his lips.
VARNEY
God damn it Higgins! You've aced the test. You'll be a fine detective.
They stand up and shake hands.
VARNEY
Congratulations.
5 EXT: PICNIC. DAY
At detective graduation. A sign can be seen saying 'Congratulations graduates'. The students can be seen talking in groups. Two are dressed like Poirot. One is doing the 'Columbo finger wag.' Higgins can be seen holding a huge stacked up sandwich.
HIGGINS
Zoinks! I can't believe I passed.
