Note: Just realised the title is the same as the recent, successful, sitcom. There is no connection intended.
SCENE: INT. THE TORPEDO ROOM OF USS THUNDERER, AN AMERICAN NUCLEAR SUBMARINE.
CHIEF ENGINEER, ART SHERMAN, WEARING A SWEAT STAINED VEST AND GRUBBY CAP, IS LEANING ON A TORPEDO.
SCATTERED ABOUT THE ROOM ARE HAMMOCKS STRUNG FROM THE DECKHEAD, WITH SAILORS EVIDENTLY ASLEEP.
A ROOKIE SAILOR ENTERS WITH A KIT BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER.
SAILOR: Seaman Schneider reporting for dooty. Sir.
SFX: (SEEMINGLY FROM ONE OF THE HAMMOCKS)
PRARRRP!
CHIEF: Welcome to tornado alley, sailor.
SAILOR: Thank you, Sir.
SFX: PRARRRP-P-P-P
CHIEF: This your first time on a nuke? Son.
SAILOR: Yes sir. Graduated from naval academy - top stoodent for my year.
SFX: PRARRRP
CHIEF: (patting the torpedo) Know what this is, son?
SAILOR: (standing to attention) Mark four Whirlwind undersea delivery and detonating projectile. Sir.
CHIEF: (pointing to something on the torpedo) Know what that is?
SAILOR: (leaning forward) Sir. The binary interlock switch.
CHIEF: And its function?
SAILOR: To arm the thermo coupler circuit and stop the little men carrying the electricity from running out of the end of the wire. Sir.
CHIEF: They taught you good, sailor.
(beat)
And the role of the mark four Whirlwind?
SAILOR: To seek out and destroy enemy targets and let the bad guys know that we are the good guys.
CHIEF: (big grin) You son of a bitch!
SAILOR: God bless America. Sir.
CHIEF: Whip-Crack-Away!
SFX: MUSIC FROM THE MUSICAL - CALAMITY JANE
A LOW HARMONY IS HEARD COMING FROM THE SWAYING HAMMOCKS
CHIEF (singing):
Oh! The Deadwood Stage is a-rollin' on over the plains,
With the curtains flappin' and the driver slappin' the reins.
Beautiful sky! A wonderful day!
Whip crack-away!, Whip crack-away!, Whip crack-away!
HAMMOCKS (humming to the tune):
Oooh-oooh-oooh-ooh-oooh-ooh-oooh
A LEG FLOPS OUT OF EACH HAMMOCK (WEARING A FISHNET STOCKING) THEY SWAY TO THE BEAT
CHIEF:
Oh! The Deadwood Stage is a-headin' on over the hills,
where the Injun arrows are thicker than porcupine quills.
Dangerous land! No time to delay!
So, Whip crack-away!, Whip crack-away!, Whip crack-away!
VOICE FROM ONE OF THE HAMMOCKS:
Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner...
SAILOR (changing song)
Whoa, you team an' jist keep a creepin'
At a slow clip, clop.
Don't you hurry little Surry
With The Fringe On the Top.
CHIEF (retrieves a voluminous dress from an old toolbox and drapes it against himself)
Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rain.
Oklahoma, Ev'ry night my honey lamb and I
Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk
Makin' lazy circles in the sky.
HAMMOCKS:
We know we belong to the land
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we say
Yeeow! Ayipioeeay!
We're only sayin'
You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!
Oklahoma O.K.
MUSIC STOPS
SAILOR: God bless America. Sir!
CHIEF: (wiggling the dress) It's worth fightin' for, son.
Prarrrp
