How to be a Comedy Writer
1.Wake at 11.30am
2. Spend a few minutes trying to remember who you are, where you are, what you are supposed to be doing, while scratching privates.
3.Stagger downstairs. Drink black coffee.
4.Drink second black coffee.
5.Read paper.
6.Drink third black coffee.
7.Switch on computer.
8.Type title of latest masterpiece. If no title, type "work in progress"
9.Stare at screen
10.Check emails
11.Forward filthy ones to everyone in address book.
12.Phone friends, arrange to meet in pub
13.Wash, shave, put on shirt that needs ironing least.
14.Examine receding hairline in mirror. Vaguely worry about old age.
15.Go down the pub.
16.Back 3.00pm nap till 4.00pm
17.Look at computer screen for 1 minute
18.Switch on countdown to see what Rachel is wearing.
19.Watch weakest link to look for characters to use.
20.Watch the Simpsons
21.Transfer something from freezer to microwave.
22.Get a good comedy idea while waiting.
23.Forget it when microwave goes ping
24.Eat food while channel hopping
25.Stare at computer screen for 1 minute
26.Go down the pub
27.Arrive home at 1.30am drunk, full of curry.
28.Switch telly on. Channel hop for monsters/car crashes/nudity
29.Stagger to computer. Stare at screen. Watch letters dance.
30.Walk around house muttering, picking up objects.
31.In last moments of consciousness, type a few experimental lines:
"Hello" said Dave
"F**k off" said Jane
32.Climb upstairs and fall into bed at 3.30am to ensure number 1. is easy tomorrow
You are a comedy writer.
