SCENE1
SOOTYJ IS SITTING IN HIS PLUSH LOUNGE BEFORE A ROARING FIRE WITH A BIG LEATHER BOOK
SOOTYJ
Good evening children everywhere and welcome back to beautiful stories for ugly children. Are you sitting comfortably?..No? Good then we'll begin.
Tonight's story is Save My Space in Hell.
SCENE2
SOOTYJ IS TYPING AWAY AT HIS AWSOME COMPUTER IN HIS FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE (HIS BEDROOM)
SOOTYJ(TO THE MYSTERIOUS NARRATOR WHO'S NEVER SEEN AND MAY BE HIS DARK PASSENGER)
Bah with my busy life as an ironic milkman, manager of an unsuccesful signage business and failed comedy writer I never have any time for Facebook. Cor everyone's got 100s more friends than me I'm such a dweeb.
FX PING
SOOTYJ(READING IM)
And you're still doing Facebook sketches they went out years ago you robber knobber.
Grr damn you Condensed milk who ever you are!
But I've got a cunning plan, just get friends with some one really popular and then bombard all their friends.
FX PING
SOOTYJ(READING IM)
Louise Cypher has accepted your friend request.
SOOTYJ STARES STRAIGHT INTO THE IMAGINARY CAMER
HE TAPS HIS NOSE AND THEN PUTS HIS FINGERS ON EITHER SIDE OF HIS HEAD TO SIGNIFY HORNS
SOOTYJ IS NOW FRANTICALLY CLICKING HIS MOUSE
SOOTYJ
Friend request approved, friend request approved, friend request approved. I'm making friends faster than Susan Boyle with a bus full of beer in Glasgow city centre.
SOOTYJ SITS BACK SATISFIED
SOOTYJ GOING BACK TO COMPUTER AND READING OFF OF THE SCREEN.
SOOTYJ
So let's see what my new found cyber buddies are upto.
(READING)
Mein Gott this morning I must watch all of Barbara Streisand's films then get circumcised again.
Spent last afternoon being buried alive under my patio...again.
SOOTYJ TO CAMERA
If I'm not much mistaken those posts were from Adolf Hitler and Fred West.
Hmm one more just to make sure
SOOTYJ READING OFF OF SCREEN
I wish I wasn't being boiled in a giant curry pot so I could see Pope Benedicts visit to London.
SOOTYJ TO CAMERA
Eeep! Mother Theresa ! These are the facebook pages of the worlds most evil peole. Hell's got facebook and I'm facebook buddies with Satan.
FX PING
SOOTYJ READING OFF OF SCREEN
Why not sell me your soul Sootyj?
SOOTYJ
Well what could he possibly offer me?
FX PING
SOOTYJ READING OFF OF THE SCREEN
The abbility to write 145 character posts on Twitter. Huzzah I'm in!
SOOTYJ CLICKS HIS MOUSE
SCENE3
SOOTYJ IS IN HELL STRAPPED INTO A DENTIST'S CHAIR EYE'S WIRED OPEN ALA A Clockwork Work.
SOOTYJ
Well this isn't very surprising now is it?
SATAN APPEARS
SATAN
Bring on the first performer!
CAPTAIN SHITS HIS PANT WALKS ON FOLLOWED BY ALL HIS OTHER DREADFUL CHARACTERS
SOOTYJ
Isn't this ironic?
ALANIS MORISETTE STABS HIM WITH A TRIDENT
SCENE4
SOOTYJ IS ONCE MORE IN HIS LOUNGE
SOOTYJ
And the moral of this story is. Flatulent trumpolines are barely funny for one sketch so learn to live with disapointment and piss off.