Skit Comp 7.9-14.9.10

Bumper crop so big fat congratulations to GERRY McDONNELL for winning! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Gerry McDonnell
3 - 5 - Charley
1 - 1 - Steve Sunshine, Otterfox, Craig H, me, Afinkawan, Nigel
Honorary mention: samcheese, Bushbaby, Kasm, Fred Peters

Your new subject: GRANDMA AND GRANDAD (suggested by CHARLEY)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14.9.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

150!!!!! - Mr Sunshine
133 - Cool Mikado
129 - Otterfox
120 - Kasm
112 - Chris Forshaw
108 - Frankie Rage
106 - Nigel Kelly
102 - Charley Rance
99 - Michael Monkhouse
98 - Fred Peters
94 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
58 - AngieBaby
55 - Scratchyr
54 - Gerry McDonnell
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Alex Mahon, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
24 - Craig H
22 - Blobster, Roscoff
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. FUTURISTIC LOOKING HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

A FRAIL OLD WOMAN IS CLEARLY ON HER LAST LEGS; HER FAMILY ARE SURROUNDING HER BED

YOUNG GIRL:
Have you any regrets Grandma?

GRANDMA:
I have. I was once a prostitute and I had sex with Wayne Rooney while his wife was pregnant.

GRANDAD:
My God. When was this?

GRANDMA:
Last Thursday.

ANNOUNCER: I thought to save time during this Countdown ad break to ask you if you want a walk in bath, life insurance, incontinence pads, stairlift, a coffin, or to sell off your house to loan sharks. If so put tons of money in an envelope and send to Con Granny Enterprises, PO Box 1212, Holmfirth, Yorkshire. Thank you. I will now return to you to the bilge or crap you were watching.

Smells like a Woman

Scene: Grandma and Grandpa sat around a coal fire. Grandpa is sucking on an empty pipe and reading the paper.

Grandma(sniffing the air): Derek! You've pissed in your pants haven't you.

Grandpa(rolling eyes and lowering paper): No dear, I haven't wet myself. It's not something I do.

Grandma: You're lying. I can smell it.

Grandpa: Look dear I'm telling you once and for all I haven't pee'd in my pants ok? Why must you get like this? (ruffles paper and puts it back up in front of his face)

Grandma: Liar! You're always pissing yourself. That's why in school they called you Pissy Pants Parfitt!

Grandpa(from behind paper): You know as well as I do that's not true.

Grandma(sniffing air again): How do you know you haven't eh? Eh? You're too used to it that's your problem.

Grandpa: For Christs sake Jean.

Grandma: I was a nurse for twenty years and believe me I know what piss smells like.

Grandpa: Well apparently you don't!

Grandma: How do you know?

Grandpa:Because I've just shit myself.

TASTY, TASTY, VERY VERY TASTY

Grandma and Grand-dad in bed.

GRAND-DAD Now as our sex-life has been a tad lame of late I have devised a little game. I place a flavoured condom on my tackle, you go down on me and guess the flavour thereof. Ready?

GRANDMA Great!

She goes down. Pause...

GRANDMA (re-emerges) Gorgonzola cheese.

GRAND-DAD I ain't bloody put it on yet.

UNTIL DEATH US DO PART

INT DAY
GRANDAD & GRANDMA'S LIVING ROOM

GRANDAD IS SAT IN A HIGH ARM CHAIR AND ALL AROUND HIM WITHIN HIS REACH ARE OBJECTS THAT WOULD NOT NORMALLY BE THERE.

OBJECTS;
1, A GALVANISED PALE BY HIS FEET
2, A PACK OF 200 CIGARETTES ON THE CHAIR ARM
3, A LIT CANDLE WITHIN BLOWING OUT DISTANCE
4, A PAIR OF 'BLOW UP' CLOGS WITH A LARGE PIN BY THEM
5, A FOOTBALL BY HIS FEET

ENTER GRANDMA HOLDING A PIPE WITH A 'FOR SALE' STICKER ATTACHED TO IT.

SHE PLACES THAT ON THE OTHE CHAIR ARM.

GRANDAD: (AFTER LOOKING AT ALL THE OBJECTS) Nelly, what's all this in aid of

GRANDMA: Our Billy came round here last night and wants ME to move in with them - But he won't have you at any price. He says I have to wait until you are dead. So (BEAT) (SHE POINTS AT THE OBJECTS IN ORDER OF THE LIST, ONE BY ONE) Either - kick the bucket, smoke all those until they make you croak, snuff it, pop yer clogs, pass away or give me a quid for the pipe so I can tell people you have bought it.

INT
Arnie & Edith are in the lving room.

Arnie
Edith we have been married 51 years now. I am probably going to die this year & in all this time you have never let me enter through the back door. Well Edith that changes tonight God damn it. (Slams his fist on the arm of the chair)

Edith
(Knitting) What are you talking about Dear. You always come in through the back door.
The front is far too much trouble what with that overgrown bush.

Arnie
No Edith I am talking about arriving through the wrong un.

Edith
(Pauses knitting for a few seconds & looks at him). I have no clue dear to what you are on about. (Shakes her head). Have you been on the Grouse.

Arnie
You know,dropping anchor in poo bay, pushing your stool in, Sending Charlie to the chocolate factory,

Edith
(Knitting still) We don't have a boat Dear & whose Charlie?

Arnie
I am talking Edith (Stands up, bends over) "Bottoms up"

Edith.
(Puts her knitting down) You want me to slave after you with my dispositions. (Picks up the needles again) Get a drink yourself.

Arnie
(Getting Angry) Eeeeeeedie! Ploughing the Pile fields, taking a trip to Brown Town, potting the pink in the brown pocket, gardening up hill with no need for a lawn mower.

Edith
Look Dear. I am sitting here using my arthritic hands to knit a little pink matinee jacket for our Great Grandchild, a little present from Grandad & Grandma. I am old, tired & what is it little Thomas says.... Ahhh confused dot com.

Arnie
Oh forget it. (Under his breath) Frigid bitch.

Phone rings. Edith answers.

Edith
(Looks at Arnie) Its our Matthew.
(Returns to the phone)
Hi Son, how are you...... Really! .......Did they get the bead out of little Katie's nose...... How is My Grandson doing at university? .........Really is he, so he split with that young lady, awwww bless I didnt like her anyway. She had a face like a tuna... Did she cheat I bet she did, she looked like the slutty type. he must be so sad dot com.

ARNIE STORMS OUT OF THE LIVINGROOM IN A HUFF

Edith
(Continuing on the phone) Daddy! Oh he is fine son. Just a little stressed at the moment. Oh no no nothing to worry about. He's just had enough of sticking his purple headed womb broom in mummys clown pocket. He now wants to sweep out the back passage instead.
It is ok though I am ignoring him.
What was that. You don't know what I mean. Really son you are 50 years old. To put it simply Daddy wants to stick his old bony cock up mummy's arsehole.
Well he can jog on dot com.

1. INT. TWO OLD LADIES ELSIE AND HILDA CHATTING DOWN THE BINGO

ELSIE
You seem very jolly today Hilda.

HILDA
I went to the doctors last month. Said I wasn't feeling well. He put me on these HRT patches.

ELSIE
Oh, I've heard of them. Do they work?

HILDA
Elsie dear, they're marvellous. Especially at night (beat) if you see what I mean. Honestly, I feel like a new woman.

THEY BOTH SMILE KNOWINGLY AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGH.

2. INT. INSIDE BEDROOM
HILDA AND BERT ARE IN BED. BERT HAS HIS MOUTH OPEN SNORING AND HILDA LOOKS AT HIM WITH LOATHING. SHE REACHES OVER, PUTS A HRT PATCH OVER HIS MOUTH, SMILES AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP.

Hey all

Going to go for something a bit different this week. I'm going to actually go to my Gran and Granpda's with a video camera and interview them.

Please private message me with questions you would like me to ask them. One per person please.

If someone can also suggest a song for my Grandpa to sing that would be lovely.

Cheers
Craig

GRANDPA IS LYING IN BED EXAMINING A PILL WHILE GRANDMA IS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE DRESSER PUTTING ON FACE CREAM.

GRANDPA:
Do you really think this viagra pill will work?

GRANDMA:
Of course. Just swallow it.

GRANDPA
(giggling) Will you swallow?

GRANDMA:
Not after your todger's been up the fish market, I won't.

GRANDPA:
Ah, well. Here goes..

GRANDPA SWALLOWS THE TABLET AND GETS AN INSTANT ERECTION.

GRANDPA:
Hey, I've got a raging hard on here. Hurry up and get in this bed so I can give you a good rogering.

GRANDMA SLIPS OFF HER NIGHTIE AND HER SAGGY PAPS DROP TO HER WAIST. SHE CRAWLS ON THE BED ON ALL FOURS.

GRANDMA:
I'm coming to get you tiger. Grrrr!

JUST THEN GRANDPA CLUTCHES HIS HEART THEN DIES. GRANDMA GLANCES BEHIND HER, CHEEKY GRIN ON HER FACE, AND SPEAKS TO A CAMERA.

GRANDMA:
If you want to hatch your nest egg, use viagra. Guaranteed to secure your future.

V/O:
This commercial was brought to you by GlaxoSmithkline in conjunction with Prudential Life Insurance.

Sadly unable to get Gran & Grandpa video done so have opted for another sketch this week.
__________________________________

THE MISADVENTURES OF DAISY AND ROGER

DAISY (MID 70s) SITS IN DARKNESS, ONLY FAINT SUNLIGHT CREEPS IN THROUGH THE CLOSED BLINDS. THERE IS RIFLES ON THE WALL, A SELECTION OF BRUTAL LOOKING KNIVES ON THE COFFEE TABLE. DAISY IS SAT AT THE WINDOW, LOOKING THROUGH A TELESCOPE SHE HAS CAREFULLY SLOTTED BETWEEN A SLAT IN THE BLINDS.

DAISY
Come in Roger. Do you receive me? Over.

ROGER
Receiving you loud and clear. Over

DAISY
Target moving due west along Sunset strip. Over

CUT TO: WOMAN WALKING HER DOG ALONG PAVEMENT IN A CUL-DE-SAC

ROGER
Roger that. Tracker in place.

DAISY TAKES A SIP FROM A CUP.

DAISY
Unknown subject approaching target from west tower. Take visual.

ROGER
Visual complete

DIASY
Subject number two leaving premises of 28 Elcock Gardens. Strapped with suspicious package.

WE SEE A CHILD AROUND 10 SKIPPING DOWN THE STREET WITH A SCHOOLBAG

DAISY (cont)
Appears overly jubilant for a Monday

ROGER
F**k!

DAISY
Roger?

ROGER
It's Monday! doctors appointment!

DAISY
Shit. Get your coat.

ROGER COMES RUNNING DOWN STAIRS WITH TWO COATS

DAISY
Taxis' on it's way

WE HEAR A HORN BEEPING

DAISY
That'll be it now

ROGER AND DAISY RUSH OUT THE DOOR

CUT TO: REAR VIEW OF TAXI, ROGER AND DAISY IN THE BACK OF THE TAXI. A SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS GO OFF BEHIND THEM. THEY ARE NONE THE WISER.

INT: LIVING ROOM. NAN IS SEATED, SUSAN ENTERS

NAN: You out on another date Susan?

SUSAN: Yes Nan, and I've got a good feeling about this one, our compatibility rating is 87%.

NAN: Back in my day we didn't need the Internet to meet men.

SUSAN: It's hard to meet nice guys these days Nan.

NAN: Well I hope you meet someone as lovely as your dear old Grandpa.

SUSAN: Me too, Nan. Where did you and Grandpa meet?

NAN: Wait here and I'll show you.

<NAN SHUFFLES OFF-STAGE, THEN RETURNS WITH A ROLLED UP FAX. SHE GIVES THE FAX TO SUSAN.
SUSAN UNROLLS THE FAX>

SUSAN: Nan! Is this a fax of Grandpa's cock?

NAN: Never did get his name, but from the area code I'd say he's from Shepherd's Bush.

Sketch tribute to "Fork 'Andles" by The Two Ronnies.

A German in Somerset.

A 'sell everything' hardware shop.
The proprietors, an old man and old woman, as dusty as the shop, stand behind the counter when a German walks in.

MAN
Good mornin' Zur. What can I get you?

CUSTOMER
Sex

MAN
Beg pardon Zur. Don't think I caught 'at.

CUSTOMER
Sex, I vont sex.

WOMAN
I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place Zur. You can't get no sex here.

CUSTOMER
But you have sex here!

MAN
I never did! Oo tol' you that?

CUSTOMER
I see you have sex in ze vindow.

WOMAN
What?

CUSTOMER
Sex. Plestic sex for ze garden vaiste.

MAN
Oh Sacks! You mean sacks. I gets you now.

CUSTOMER
That's vot I said

MAN
Right. There y'are. Anything else?

CUSTOMER
Vipers

WOMAN
I think you be wantin' the pet shop.

CUSTOMER
Vinscreen Vipers!

MAN
Oh, I see. Right-e-oh

CUSTOMER
Also vick.

MAN
Vick? Ah, you be wantin' a wick for a paraffin lamp, roight?

CUSTOMER
Nine! Vic, for mine chest. I 'ave a cold.

INT. LIVING ROOM.

GRANNY (BETTY) AND GRANDDAD (ROGER) ARE SITTING TOGETHER ON THE LIVING ROOM SOFA.

THEIR GRANDSON (BILLY) ENTERS. HE IS WEARING HIS SECONDARY SCHOOL UNIFORM AND CARRYING A SCHOOLBAG

ROGER:Billy. How are you son?

BETTYHello William!

BILLY IS BRIMMING WITH EXCITEMENT AND TOO BUSY TO ANSWER. HE PULLS OUT PAPERS FROM HIS BAG.

ROGER:Ah, this must be your World War 2 stuff you've been on about?

BILLY:Yip. I've got some questions for you and Grandma.

ROGER:Excellent. Fire away!

BILLYOkay. What's your most vivid memory of the war?

BETTY AND ROGER EXCHANGE GLANCES, SMILE, AND SQUEEZE EACH OTHERS HANDS

BETTY It would have to be meeting your granddad.

ROGER SMILES

BILLY:Where was that??

BETTY:In a concentration camp, just outside Bremen -

ROGER:- Hell of place Billy, but we got through it didn't we Betty

BILLY SMILES PROUDLY

BILLY:God! It must have been awful. Not knowing... you know?

BETTY:It was William. But your Granddad had his contacts - he got us extra food, water and clothing. We were lucky.

ROGER:Luck? Piffle! We Germans stick together Betty.

BILLY:'We Germans'?

BETTY:We all had our job to do sweetheart. Your granddad was a good guard.

ROGER AND BETTY CHUCKLE

BILLYIN SHOCK) Granny! You knew?

BETTYf course William - 'we Germans stick together'

BILLY:You mean 'he'... and 'you' were... are Germans?

BETTY: I'm amazed you didn't know all this William.

ROGER:Billy, our surname is 'von Ribbentrop'.

BILLY IS COMPOSING HIMSELF NOW

BETTY:And you did have to travel to Argentina to speak to us

BILLY NODS IN AGREEMENT

ROGER:How the hell did you find us here anyway?

BILLY:You've got a swastika on the roof

END

GOD & JESUS ARE SITTING ON A SOFA ON A CLOUD. JESUS TURNS AROUND TO SEE AN ELDERLY COUPLE SHUFFLE INTO VIEW.

JESUS:
Dad! It's Nan & Granddad.

GODFATHER:
Alright Jesus, Hello Son.

GODMOTHER
How are my boys?

GOD:
Mum! Dad! We said half eight!

GODMOTHER:
Well if we're not welcome.

GOD:
No No I didn't mean... Jesus! Miracle your Nan & Granddad a couple of comfy chairs there's a good lad.

GODMOTHER:
Jesus, you couldn't get me a nice glass of water while you're there could you?

JESUS:
Of course Nan, Red or White?

GODMOTHER:
You choose Jeezey, You know me I'll drink anything.

SHE LAUGHS AS THEY SIT DOWN ON THE NEWLY APPEARED CHAIRS.

GODFATHER:
Right son, I want to have a chat about the family business. I was wondering if you might be feeling a bit vengeful.

GOD:
I have been feeling a little bit vengie since they killed my boy if I'm honest.

JESUS:
I am here you know

GODFATHER:
No that was a good thing, it'll toughen him up a bit.

GODMOTHER:
He doesn't need toughening up he's lovely

JESUS:
Hello! I'm still here!

GOD:
Don't start getting all omnipresent with your Grandparents boy!

GODFATHER
Send him back, let the boy crack a few heads together, really show em what he can do. It'll be a laugh.

GOD:
It's not meant to be a laugh it's meant to save mankind or something like that.

GODFATHER:
You never complained when I sent you down there.

GOD:
Yes I did, you made me try to save the Dinosaurs for crying out loud., I was always complaining or if I wasn't complaining I tended to be running & screaming..

GODFATHER:
Didn't do you any harm did it?

GOD:
At least it was always quick & painful, but I wish you hadn't given me quite as many comings.

GODFATHER:
Yeah but look at you now, Mr Lord of everything.

GODMOTHER:
You get all that Divinity from your fathers side.

GODFATHER:
My advice is to send the lad down as quick as you can, while people still remember him. And give him some decent tricks and let him have a bit of fun this time for crying out loud.

GOD:
Look I'm in charge now Dad..I thought we'd just play it cool, y'know keep a hands off approach. For a few thousand years.

GODFATHER:
I Getcha! And then suddenly when their guard is down then Blam ...Nice one!

JESUS:
Blam?

GODFATHER:
Yeah we send you back on a Horse of Fire, riding a rainbow, at which point you punish all the sinners. & rescue the good uns.

GOD:
To be honest we've decided to change direction, we're working on a book instead.

GODFATHER:
A Book? A bleeding Book?

GODMOTHER:
Your Granddad doesn't like reading. Doesn't like anything that I like If I'm honest.

JESUS:
We just want all the humans to live a nice happy life Gramps, so we thought a nice book could really frighten them into doing just that.

GOD:
It's got an Old Testament which is about me & a New Testament which is about the boy.

GODFATHER:
And what about an Very old Testament then, telling about all my adventures.
Y'know how I built the earth up from a ball of rock, repelled the aliens & all that.

GOD:
Well It doesn't really fit in with what we're..

GODFATHER:
What about when I rearranged the stars into pretty shapes that don't quite look like what they're supposed to but can control your life..

GOD:
To be honest Dad they'll have enough trouble believing the book as it is.

END