Complicated gags that don't quite work

I wrote a couple of jokes earlier that were so convoluted it felt they need an instruction manual to go with them.

I went to a 60s themed restaurant the other day and said to the waiter "I'd really dig it if you gave me a bigger spoon" - he came back with a spade and an address to his allotment.

I went to a Chinese restaurant the other day and asked the waiter for some chop sticks - he came back with some pork covered in glue.

Can you come up with some gags where you can see the joke but destroy it by the time you reached the punchline?

Here are a couple more that are just plain bad!

I hate fitness routines so I went to the gym and got the running machine to do my exercise for me.

I went to a restaurant the other day and ordered a bowl of chips - imagine my surprise when I was served with some damaged crockery

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100906/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_venice_joaquinphoenix

Make it a bowlful of chips and it works fine.

Quote: Tuumble @ September 6 2010, 7:41 PM BST

Can you come up with some gags where you can see the joke but destroy it by the time you reached the punchline?

View original

This should be personally addressed to sootyj.

Oi!

What's this pick on Sootyj week?

Grumble grumble.

Quote: Tuumble @ September 6 2010, 8:06 PM BST

Here are a couple more that are just plain bad!

View original

You mean the first two weren't?

OK, so I've had a few!

Here's another: "I don't do weight-lifting - I just queue for things in an elevator."

This thread is now a majorly bad stand up routine...

As you can see I'm on the broad side of slim. My problem is is that my arms simply don't get along. They've never seen eye to eye which is probably because I keep my eyes in my head. Basically I have to keep as much distance between my biceps as I can. Some say I'm making excuses for being fat but I prefer to say I'm merely horizontally challenged. Funnily enough that applies to my sex life as well.

I like food. And lots of it. I'm always dining out at restaurants but for some reason the owners always seem to try and stop me eating. I think it's something about not wanting to go to the cash and carry twice on the same day.

At the weekend I went to a Chinese restaurant and asked the waiter for some chop sticks - he came back with some pork covered in glue. Next day I went to another place and ordered a bowlful of chips and was served with a load of broken crockery. Then I went to a 60s themed restaurant and said to the waiter "I'd really dig it if you gave me a bigger spoon" - he came back with a spade and an address to his allotment.

You see? It's a diversionary tactic. It's their way of getting me to get their winter veg in. The worst part about that it would involve physical exertion and I'm not sweating in my gravy for no-one.

I hate fitness routines anyway. When I go to the gym I get the running machine to do my exercise for me. I don't do weight-lifting either - I just queue for things in an elevator.

The end.

To avoid further embarrassment, please close this thread!

If you don't mind me giving you a bit of advice Tuumble you need to identify which bit is the actual funny bit/punchline and then make every word in the joke serve to lead you to it, at the moment there's too much flim-flam which makes it complicated and confusing.

For instance, in the first joke;

I went to a 60s themed restaurant the other day and said to the waiter "I'd really dig it if you gave me a bigger spoon" - he came back with a spade and an address to his allotment.

The 'funny' is in the world dig having two meanings, the addition of a spoon and some of the other details (60s themed restaurant, allotment etc), IMHO, confuses matters, you need to boil down the joke to it's bare essentials.

Perhaps;

I asked my hippy friend if he liked my garden, he said "I dig it", so I gave him a spade and set him to work.

Not perfect, needs work, but shorter, snappier and gets to the funny quicker and in a much more direct fashion.

That's exactly what I thought but was too lazy to type.

Why doesn't James Bond hang around in Wigan?
Because he's there for YOUR PIES ONLY.

What did Blofeld say to Bond at the Weghtwatchers meeting?
No Mr Bond I expect you to DIET

Why is Bond banned from post office queues?
He's THE SPY WHO SHOVED ME.

There's a new Bond Film where his foe is a Newyork Jewish comedian.
DR NU.

I figure that bad jokes in a pack can negate their badness.

I think you just gave me cancer.

Re comments above...

I'd already admitted they didn't really work but I'm not looking to do stand-up so it was only a giggly, drink-fuelled ramble. Thanks for comments anyway.

My strengths lay in other areas - I just don't know what they are.

oops forrgot to add bonds response to blofeld at weight watchers

i'll diet another day